Vol. 86, No. 3 Dec. 2, 1999

*********************** Y O P N E W S *****************


A Weakly(!) Publication dedicated

to the Year of Phil Long



December 2, 1999 A.D.

Vol. 86, No. 3



TOP STORY: PHIL DISCOVERS "PANTS DIMENSION"



CAPE GIRARDEAU--Whoever said that humans beings can only comprehend three dimensions should now be eating their words like so many Pop-tarts.

Chemistry student/Goblin Cleaver Phil Long, in a recent lab experiment, stumbled into what has become known to experts and Science laypeople alike as the "pants dimension."

"Perhaps what was most surprising, besides the fact that the dimension was already named like so many Word Documents, was that I discovered it in Chemistry class, not physics," stated a beaming Long. "I just did a simple litmus test and I was smack-dab in the middle of the Pants Dimension."

Long was reportedly working on a double-barreled, do-it-yourself flamethrower, which simultaneously shot lithium from one barrel and water from the other, when he and his phenolthalein became transformed. Unfortunately, since Long was the only one to enter into the dimension, no one else knew what was happening.

"To the rest of us, it just looked like his pants imploded," stated misplaced Rec major Stephanie Patrick. "I don't even need this class, but I'm sure glad I took it now."

Phil tried his hardest to explain the Pants dimension to this three dimensional YOPNEWS reporter. "Picture yourself on a boat on the sea...marmalade dreams and Mike Parry with kaliedoscope pants. The pants are on you, too, but it is knowing their universal station which causes your eyes to give way to the otherness which is Mike Parry on the Dark Side of the Moon. The has became the had not in an orange second, but neatness dominated a floating portrait of Zoroastrian aura. Also, Ed Love was there."



PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"There are too many beans in this chili; I'm going to have gas."



PHIL LONG CULTS POP UP ACROSS THE COUNTRY



ATLANTA--Recent Phil Long cults have been spotted throughout the country over the last month. Yes, readers. The Phil phenomenon is no longer contained. We knew something this great could not be kept a secret for long, despite Phil's attempts at "Philianic Secret." The source of the spread seems to be from two major fronts and one minor. All SEMO Phil lovers seems to be spreading the word about his greatness to all of their friends from their hometowns, causing Phil-mania to sweep the land.

One major spread has been to Nashville. Evidently, Bryan Lamb has been as one "crying in the non-wilderness," speaking of one whom Lamb is "not fit to loosen the waistline of." Fiancee Jenn Price said, "Yeah, I allow him to spend a little time spreading the word about Phil, as long as Phil keeps in his place. Hands off, Phil! Bryan is mine!"

A most mysterious spread of Phileo love has been to schools in Georgia. All it took was one picture of Phil and one lovely quote to go along with it, and males and females alike were sold on him. April Arnett and Rayal Mahaffie, founders of Valdosta State University division of Phil fans say it has been crazy how the Phileo love has spread. It is unexplainable.

Perhaps the most disturbing faction of Phil cults has arisen in O'Fallon, Illinois. No one knows how Phil's message reached O'Fallon, for there are absolutely no SEMO connections there. However, the once sinful town has turned from its evil ways. The graven images of tall Asians have been torn down. Cheerleading has become only "semi-insane," as one O'Falloner put it. One unidentified resident of the town has vowed "to never go on another board game until Phil's good news has spread throughout Jim Edgar's and Carol Mosley-Braun's beloved land."





DC TALK-BOUND PHIL?



Recent rumors are circulating that the highly acclaimed musical trio, dc talk will be losing their balladeer, Kevin Max. Forefront and Virgin Records have been slow in releasing any information to the public. Yet in a YOP News Exculsive, Dan Pitts of dctalk management announced "Kevin Max will be taking a break for a solo tour and Phil Long will be Max's replacement on the upcoming album."

Ryan Steck, concert promoter for Max's Spring Tour, denies all such claims. Steck says "rumors of a break are just rumors. The guys couldn't function without Max." Yet Steck did admit that if should Max leave, Long is the only choice for a replacement."

In a rare interview with Ross Gehler of 'Friends', Gehler reminds there is a distinct difference

between a "break and a break-up."

In more related news, Mark Oberhauser who converses with the band frequently, reported that as long as Toby doesn't leave the group, he doesn't care who joins the band. Dc talk critics such as YOP news' editor, Ryan Harper, feel that Long could to much better with his vocal talents than to join the freak show, dc talk. Harper clarified "I mean he could take Bono's place in U2 without anyone noticing, but dctalk fans are sure to notice the advanced music quality Long will bring to the 'band'."

Bryan Lamb,former suite mate and Long's current agent, explained

that Long "would do anything to reunite Seven Day Jesus so they can make a new, soft, heather grey, t-shirt (perhaps long sleeve this time). Hopefully this dctalk thing will give him that platform and enable me to finally meet the band." However, Long himself was not available for comment but a melodic "my best friend was born in a manger" was repeatedly heard coming from under Long's door by residents of 2nd floor Towers West.





PHIL MEETS WITH KEVI-KEV TO DISCUSS COOLNESS



CAPE GIRARDEAU--SEMO is divided into basically two factions: the Philites, and the Kevikevites. For this reason, Kevin Cundiff and Phil Long held lengthy meetings in Long's room last week to discuss coolness.

Trace Webster, who presided over the meeting (by Kevi-Kev's suggestion) had this to say: "Well, the first day it was decided that being a CA was not cool. We all know what happened after that. The next day, it was decided that living with Dr. Jennie Cooper was cool. The day after that, it was decided that having a goat-tee and a moustache was cool, provided that they were in no way connected to one another by that cumbersome 'side of your mouth' hair. Do you see where I'm going here?"

Phil's obvious dominance of the Long-Cundiff Summit was just another assurance to his followers that Phil is the absolute authority on what is cool and what is not.

"Well, I don't care how many underwear ads I pose for," said a humbled (but not too much) Kevi-Kev. "I can't top that guy! I might as well change my license plate."

Phil, being the good and gracious Phil we all know, permitted Kevi-Kev to continue driving his car with the old license plate, provided he place bumper stickers on it which read "My best friend was born in North County," "My boss is a Chemistry teacher," and/or a picture of Phil swallowing a Darwin legged fish.

Kevi-Kev is now planning to devote his life to sharing Phil with others. Apparently, he has written letters to his followers at Thessolonica and Ephesus that he is not to be held in the same regard as Phil. He is merely an instrument of Phil.









We hope you enjoyed the issue. We're back!!! In all seriousness, we encourage all of our readers to be in prayer for the Long family as they deal with a personal loss in the family. Phil and Brandon are dear friends to us all, and we wish to extend our condolences and pledge our thoughts and prayers to them and their loved ones.