Vol. 1, No. 2 Sept, 27, 1999

*********************** Y O P N E W S **********************


A Weekly Publication dedicated to

The Year of Phil Long



September 27, 1999 A.D.

Vol. 1, No. 2







TOP STORY: ANTICHRIST NO LONGER ANTI-CHRIST

Madrid, Spain (YOP) – In an unforeseen monumental twist of fate this past Tuesday, September 21, the prophetically foretold antichrist of the Bible became a Christian. “We were just going door to door with the Faith Ministry,” explains Phil Long, Lynwood Baptist Church member, “and we came to his house. He opened the door and my friend Gina Garner started singing Jennifer Knapp’s His Grace is Sufficient, and to my surprise he had never heard the message and was ready to accept!” YOPNEWS has learned that the Lynwood Church group was overseas with a mission project and had some free time to spare, so they decided to share the gospel. “It’s a good thing,” says Pastor Mark Anderson. “The Tribulation would have been hell on earth.” Surprising too most, Long did not know right away that he was witnessing to the antichrist. “It’s always in the back of your mind-- ‘Hey, this guy could be him,' but it's hard to know for sure. I just got lucky I guess,” Long told YOPNEWS.

After receiving the visit from the Lynwood Faith Team, the antichrist looked a changed man. “It is a real crappy feeling to know that you were gonna be the central figure of evil in the end times. I’m glad I got my issues squared away before that whole time, time and a ½ time crap. It’s nice to know there isn’t going to be an apocalypse,” the used-to-be-incarnate Satan told YOPNEWS. After preparing his entire life for world domination and to proclaim himself as god, one has to wonder what is next for the ruler who was to come. A source close to YOPNEWS has relayed that the once prince of darkness is quoted as saying, “I think I might just hang out with the Four Riders of the Apocalypse for a while. They have been waiting for my arrival on the world scene for a long time. I feel like I owe them something. After that though, who knows. Maybe EuroDisney.”





PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I wouldn't mind kissing a girl."





PHIL WINS FIDDLE CONTEST WITH THE DEVIL



GEORGIA—Phil was in Lucifer’s head for the entire week of September 20, 1999. After converting the Anti-Christ and disappointing the Prince of Darkness and all of his assorted minions, Phil met up with Ol’ Scratch once again in Georgia, this time to settle a score Charlie Daniels style.

Few at Southeast know about Phil Long’s hidden talent. In reality, he has secretly been playing the violin for years, and has worked his way up to the level of virtuoso. For the past four years Phil has managed to sneak his mandatory practice time of four hours a day under the cover of his “chem test study time.” Oh, and that “quiet time” Phil claims to have every morning? He is actually running arpeggios in his large mind the whole time.

Young Phil cuts his teeth on Panginini, Mozart, Vivaldi, and Schumann, but his real love is acid-jazz. This took his nemesis by surprise, as the Lord of the Nether Regions had prepared a bluegrass piece for the contest.

“I was really expecting him to come out with either one of Vivaldi’s ‘Four Seasons’ or the interlude in Jars of Clay’s ‘Flood’,” a befuddled Mephistopheles told YOPNEWS. “But when he hit that first half-diminished chord and slid into that cool II-V-I progression, I knew that my sin-loving butt was gone.”

“Well, we were in bluegrass country,” said Phil, “so I knew Mr. MacPhisto was counting on (bluegrass). But I had told him once, the ol’ son of a gun, I’m the best that’s ever been.”

Phil did not win anything out of the contest except bragging rights (referred to by Phil as “humility rights”) and a free two-year subscription to Oprah’s Book of the Month club, the most widely-read literature in Hades.

Phil plans to put the violin down for a while and concentrate on what he calls “the more important things in life…the viola.”



STURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This article contains six euphemisms for “devil,” which is three more than U.S.D.A. Recommended Daily Allowances. Over-reading this article may result in pustules and Spontaneous John Grisham Affinity.





1989 PHIL ERROR CARD FOUND



NEW YORK—As if the sporting card industry were not already running amuck over the Phil Long craze, one more crazy ingredient has been added to the entropic catastrophe which is modern-day sports collecting.

Mike Parry, noted minister and baseball card enthusiast, was thumbing through his card album one day when he came across a discrepancy in his “Phil Long” section.

“Really, anyone would have noticed it,” said Mike in an effort to hide his obvious elitist attitude. “I mean, it sticks out to anyone who is in the ‘elect’.”

The card is a 1989 Topps Phil Long, and it contains numerous mistakes, the most blatant of which is the highly suspect photo. The picture depicts Phil Long in a San Fransisco Giants uniform (a team which he never played for. He is playing first base.

“We assume we accidentally superimposed the Giants uniform onto Phil’s body,” stated Topps CEO Nat “King” Turner. “Since the player is left-handed, we can only assume that it is (Phil’s) body.

The second error occurs in the spelling of Phil’s name. Phil’s first name is misspelled “Will,” and his last name is misspelled “Clark.”

“It is an embarrassing error, and we would rectify the situation if this card were not produced ten years ago,” said Turner.

Phil’s management has yet to publish a statement concerning the legalities involved in the bizarre case. It is anticipated that a settlement will be reached. Meanwhile, Phil’s name entered Beckett Monthly’s Hot List at No. 12 last month.





GETAWAY UPDATE: LONG VOTED BSU STATE PRESIDENT



WINDERMERE—From North County High School valedictorian to BSU icon, Phil Long consistently responds to his fan’s desires. This past weekend at Getaway 1999, Long proved not only to be a local hero, but also a statewide celebrity.

“We all knew at SEMO’s BSU that Long’s presence is transcendent. We prayed that others would find him at Getaway,” said BSU president Sarah Adams.

Long’s motto, “doin it all for the nookie” was looked upon as “cool,” “hip,” and “open-minded” by BSUers statewide.

“We knew Long’s motto would make or break him. It had to be cool, creative, and innovative. That’s why we put a Christian spin on Limp Bizkit’s 'Nookie,'" said Long campaigner, Robbie Britt.

To help promote Long’s vie for presidency, he knew he’d need the help from BSU’s Interpretive Dance Guild. Gina Garner, Jen Price, and Adams, wearing black t-shirts and khakis, creatively moved to Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie” to raise support for Long.

“It was hard to know when to scoop, when to sway, and when to do a dramatic half-turn,” stated Price, “But, we pulled it off.”

Other SEMO BSUers contributed their talents to the event. Ryan Steck played “Machine Head” on his guitar and traded turns on his play station for Phil votes. Julie Clover and Ed Love played a “one on one” hoopfest. Neil Sander ate his own neck while quoting John Calvin. However, it was a last minute contribution from an unexpected source that brought Long over the top.

“Brian Beard really came though for me. He’s a life saver,” Long said in quiet admiration.

Beard sold his red Jeep Grand Cherokee for two Long votes.

“Hey,” beamed a glowing Beard, “I’m just doin’ it all for the nookie—of course, we’re ultimately doin’ it all for Phil.”







DARWIN'S OTHER RIB

By Georges Pisado

“Fertile Crescent Bound”

BABYLON (AP)- For days now King Nebuchadnezzar has awaken in a sweaty panic concerned about the visions he has been having as he sleeps. “Who can explain these visions and the meaning of my dreams,” pleads the King to all who can hear. As reported here first by YOPNEWS, Nebuchadnezzar’s inner-court searched far and wide and found one such man to interpret these dreams. His name, has now been released. It’s Brandon Long.

Brandon, an early 20’s student from Southeast Missouri State University was brought into meet with Persian King. Upon their first meeting, Brandon divulged vital information regarding dreams that he too had been having as of late. The King began to listen and marvel as the ex-navy man prophecied and interpreted. YOPNEWS has gained a special transcript of what was said in their meeting.



BRANDON LONG: “In your dream, oh great king Nebuchadnezzar there is a tall statue of a man. Its head is gold, arms of bronze, legs of iron and feet of coal. The head, Oh King, represents Phil Long my cousin and best friend. The gold symbolizes his quality of character and purity of heart. Next the upper torso is representational of Jacob Lily’s chest. Its amazing plain and simple. So is Jake. The legs of iron represent Brian Lamb, and his journey to Nashville. Also, Brian has iron will in his relationship with Jen Price. Finally, oh great king, black coal feet represent the fake story told by Shawn Whitnell on the BSU hayride. It basically involved slaves being killed, and it scared everybody. That is the end of my vision, oh worthy king.” After hearing this Nebuchadnezzar begins to laugh. He reaches into his trench coat and pulls out his gat. He shoots Brandon right in the face. “Thankx for the info, biznatch!#” shouted the king as he went back to his royal duties.





#YOPNEWS apologizes for the use of the word biznatch in the above article. The use of the word biznatch is humorous in nature and should not be taken offensively. Thank you.





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STAFF



RH Editor of Misrepresentation

Lynn Casteel Coordinator

Beth Lewis Gaffer

Justin Osborne Big Booty #1

Gina Garner Director of Kent Library

Sarah Adams CEO and Team Leader in Triples

Georges Pisado Chancellor

Phil Long The object of our affections