******************** Y O P N E W S ***********************
A weekly publication dedicated to the
Year of Phil Long
Vol 1, No. 1, September 20, 1999 A.D.
Top Story: YOPNEWS COFOUNDERS COFIND YOPNEWS
After much anticipation and many sleepless nights, the dreams of several men and women became a reality one Monday afternoon. Big business guru and marketing warlock RH pushed the "send" button on his computer, and the entire world felt the shockwaves.
"It almost seemed like a dream," said Harper. "For so long, we have waited for YOPNEWS to become a reality, and now the whole world bears testimony to our vision."
YOPNEWS is a weekly e-mail journal/newspaper/magazine dedicated to one man and one man alone: Phil Long. The YOPNEWS team prides itself in obtaining and relaying information concerning the "Year of Phil" to its many readers.
"We feel like we are filling a 'big bang-sized' hole in pop culture," says Gina Garner, spokesperson and registrar for YOPNEWS. "the world wants to know what's up with its cultural icons, and we at YOPNEWS believe that (Phil) is perhaps the most cultural of icons anywhere."
YOPNEWS's reputation seems to have preceded it. On its first run, the newsletter found its way into over ten different mailboxes-- a new record.
"We don't plan to do much advertising," H said. "When one has a quality product, good ol' fashioned beauty parlor gossip and campus buzz will do the trick." H also requested we inform readers that "old" will always be spelled "ol'" in his quotations.
Subscribing to YOPNEWS has never been easier.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"My butt is very shapely"*
* Phil quotes will always be completely true...not like anything we report is ever untrue...
PHIL MEETS WITH JAR-JAR BINKS AT GERONIMO'S
TOWERS--America's most loved man and most hated gungin met together last week in SEMO's own Geronimo's. The meeting concerned the unsuccessful trade negotiations which have been going on between the planet Naboo and North County High School.
"The combination of Binks and Long is natural," Phil manager Mo Crow told YOPNEWS. "I cannot believe we were not approached earlier by North County or Naboo."
Anonymous sources tell us that Phil was somewhat annoyed about having to travel through the planet core in order to meet Jar-Jar, who had unknowingly landed in China upon his arrival. However, tempers cooled and the talks were quite successful.
"(Phil) said that Jar-Jar was a prince of a gungin, and they are close to striking a deal," said brother Ryan Long.
"Meesa tink dat Phil issa shwewd yet tactaful," Jar-Jar said. "Plus hissa booty bery, bery shapely."
Talks will resume between Phil and Binks at an undisclosed date next week.
PHIL MEETS TONY LARUSSA
ST. LOUIS--Phil has the good fortune to meet Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa at Ozzie's Bar and Grill this weekend. Phil was quite shell-shocked at the chance encounter, but recovered enough to offer Tony his opinions concerning this season and beyond.
"Well, I was very saddened at Tony's cynicism concerning Willie McGee's aging talents," Phil told YOPNEWS. "I was forced to regulate."
Nate Dogg was not available for comment.
Phil apparently also expressed his dissatisfaction with Tony's sentence of rookie phenom Rick Ankiel to the bullpen.
"After all," Phil expressed to Tony, "why NOT blow out another young arm?"
Phil was naturally referring to the demise of Donovan Osborne, Alan Benes, and Matt Morris. After removing LaRussa's cleats from his @#$?, he decided that some closed-minded people wil never learn.
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB by Georges Pisado
"Monkey Man Say 'No More Creation'"
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Tunes have changed for the Bonne Terre native Phil Long. Having believed for most of his adult life in the Judeo-Christian "creation," this North County High School graduate has now "seen the light" so to speak.
In an unanticipated freak event of natural selection, Phil has himself become the missing link-- the undiscovered (until now) evidence which has separated man, monkey, and Australian funnel spider for over 10,000 years. After waking many a night in cold sweats, Phil began to experience extensive hair growth on various body parts other than his chin. At first it seemed onlt slightly irregular, but it quickly became unbearable, as Phil explains.
"I'm freaking Teen Wolf; Michael J. Fox has nothing on me."
Jason Bateman was not available for comment.
Throughout human existence, man has always been challenged with two questions: where did we come from, and where are we going? Phil now has answered at least one of these questions for all of us.
"I've spent the lion's share of my life studying the Bible and my science books searching for an answer (pauses to peel a banana and pick a conspicuous-looking parasite off of the interviewer's head). I had convinced myself that Creation was the only way and that I was a special, created being set apart in this world. Boy, was I way off.
As the world is presented with more and more cases of reverse evolution like my freaky-deaky self, people will realize that the Bible is just literature and Darwin's Galapagos-loving butt was right all along, aw yeah."
Phil plans to give lectures at the Stephen Jay Gould institute next summer, become a bitter existentialist hermit, and die an old, Albert Camus-loving gorilla.
FREEWILL BAPTIST LOSES FREEWILL IN TWO CAR COLLISION WITH PREDESTINY
FARMINGTON--Phil Long, friend to all and proponent of Freewill Baptist doctrine, lost his free will on Saturday when an intoxicated Predestiny traveled the wrong way onto the Farmington exit, striking Long's vehicle and free will head on. Although Long suffered little bodily harm, his free will died upon impact.
Friends and family gathered Saturday at an open-casket memorial service held at SEMO's BSU.
"It was hard to see the free will of our best friend just lying there. It couldn't even answer a simple yes or no question," sobbed Sarah Adams, BSU president. Many mourners signed cards and spoke out pledging their lives to free will and condemning the reckless behavior of Predestiny.
"It's unfortunate that his 'date with destiny' came so unexpectedly. Usually, Predestiny uses good discernment when getting behing the wheel. But who am I to question Predestiny," questioned Calvinist Neil Sander. Sander and other members of Predestiny's immediate family (also known as "The Elect") came to express their condolences and sadly proclaim the uncompromising inevitability of every single death. They then returned to Salem, Massachusetts.
Christian bands Newsboys, Caedmon's Call, and Five-Iron Frenzy took the stage at the service and sang a tear-jerking dirge tribute to Long's free will, simply titled, "Why?"
"We felt a real calling--in fact, we felt predestined-- to demagnify Predestiny and focus on what really matters-- Phil. If your focus isn't Phil, then you better rethink your life," challenged FIF.
The crowd responded with fervent cries f "YES!" "NO!" "MAYBE!"
Sadly, Long was unable to muster a simple nod.
NEXT ISSUE:
--Complete report of fiddle contest between Phil and Ol' Scratch
--New Phil 1989 Topps error card found
--Plus much more!!
YOPNEWS IS:
RH-- Chief Editor and Acquisitions Editor
Justin Osborne-- Squaw Editor and Staff Contributor
Beth Lewis-- Marketing Editor and Doctrine Confuser
Lynn Casteel-- Editing Editor and Bursar
Gina Garner-- Registrar and Spokesperson
Sarah Adams-- Chancellor of Organization
Georges Pisado-- Czar
Phil Long-- The object of our affections
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