Phil Marries Non-Elf

Boonville, MO--In what many pundits are calling a "major coupe for the world of Men," Tolkien fan and noted Man Phil Long wedded a fellow mortal in August of 2008.

"None of us saw this coming," said area elf Galadriel. "Phil hung out with us all of the time. He listened to our music, played our games, looked into our forbidden mirrors, drank our vials of arcane power...he even spoke Qenya really well. I thought sure he would end up with one of us. Maybe a QUEEEEEN!"

Few disguised their gasps as Alicia soon-to-be-Long walked down the aisle on a balmy August day.

"She was quite striking, for sure." Said Eowyn, friend of the groom. "But I was pretty surprised that her ears were not pointed."

The wedding was quite the cross-cultural affair, as humans, elves, hobbits, wizards, and Freewill Baptists all temporarily put aside their differences and celebrated the blissful union of Alicia and Phil.

"Hey, some of us believe in security of the believer, some of us retreat into the West after the end of the Third Age. But in the end, we all are united in our love for Phil," said long-time Phil friend Gandalf. "They wish to cure us. I say WE ARE THE CURE!!!" Gandalf continued, bending a metal door with his mind. Gandalf was then reminded to stay in character.

The wedding went off with few snags--the only exception being a dispute over who would bear the ring down the aisle. Frodo Baggins, originally chosen for the task, faltered several times as he approached the front of the church. Fortunately, usher Samwise Gamgee was able to stabilize the ashen and catatonic Baggins as he lurched ahead.

"I can't carry the ring, Mr. Frodo, but I can carry you!" Gamgee was reported to have said.

Phil was most pleased with the day, citing the absence of black riders and cave trolls. He also commented on his choice to marry a fellow mortal.

"Hey, I have nothing against elves. Some of my best friends are elves. But an elf-man union is not as easy as some would think, even in this day and age. [Would-be elf bride] would have had to forsake her immortal life, her family would have been resentful to me...it would have been a whole thing."

"I'm happy to be married to a human woman."

The post-ceremony reception included musical performances by Enya and a fireworks display by Gandalf. The couple honeymooned at the Lothlorien Resort and Casino.