A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
November 4, 1999
Vol. 2, No. 2
TOP STORY: YOPNEWS WRITER RECEIVES FATWA
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS staff now has its own personal Salman Rushdie.
Beth Lewis, noted columnist for YOPNEWS, was given the high honor of having a "fatwa," or "death warrant" issued on her life. This is due to her Arrow article in which she discussed the cruel treatment of women in Muslim-occupied Afghanistan. The article was promptly replied to by the President of the local chapter of the Islamic faith, who "condemned" the article and "warned" others not to write any similar articles.
"We feel that the fatwa was necessary to show people how peaceful we are," says Muslim leader El-Aziz. "Let's face it-- the quickest way to peace and nonviolence is to first threaten your opponent with death and condemnation, and then kill them."
"The warning is very serious, I would say," says YOPNEWS wizard Justin Osborne. "I mean, the Muslim leaders in Sikeston, Poplar Bluff, and Cape are all behind the condemnation of this article. That means FIVE different people are out to get (Beth)."
What is Lewis's reaction to the fatwa? She was not available for comment, but romours have it that she has gone into hiding with Salman Rushdie, and plans to co-author a book with him. Though Lewis is not crazy about the title of his book,
YOPNEWS would like to dispel the rumours that Lewis intends to start a "jihad," or "holy war," against local Muslim groups. There were rumours that she intended to march on the Cape Islamic center with signs that read, "Bring back Cornerstone Baptist," but these are all fabrications.
Lewis has support from all of us here at YOPNEWS, and even members of the Christian Right have rushed to Lewis's aid, in a statement released yesterday:
>The Christian Right fully backs Beth Lewis's stance against the terrible treatment of women in Afghanistan. Although we do feel that women should not leave their homes, they should not be put to death for doing so. Sure, a few broken bones may be in order, but killing them is just barbaric. Anyway, like we said before, women should not write articles for newspapers.<
NOTE TO READERS: This is a spoof article. We are not implying that all Muslims believe in violence, nor are we saying that all members of the Christian Right think women should remain at home. However, if either one of these organizations would be interested in issuing a fatwa on a member of the YOPNEWS staff, please write "fatwa (victim's name here) on a 3x5 card, and send it to us. Thank you.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High" (sung by Phil at the last TNT meeting in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel)
PHIL'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER
CAPE GIRARDEAU-– When YOPNEWS went to press last night it was still uncertain if Phil “Kingfish” Long, the youngest ancestor of the most powerful political family in Louisiana history, would survive the night. “Kingfish” has been suffering symptoms of what is being called the Huanta virus, which was thought to be contracted on his latest bayou expedition.
Huey Pierce Long, family political founder and deceased United States senator, had this to say, “Kingfish loves to ride the hovercraft through the swamps. Some Haunta must have crawled up the side of the boat, into his tight pants and gestated there all day. It was a sight. They had to cut them tighties right off his leg!” During the last press conference at Southeast Missouri Hospital Rachel Inman, nurse and R&;B fanatic, gave word of Phil’s condition. “Y’all, Kingfish is doing pretty bad. He’s got the Haunta all down his one side. He just lies there mumbling about the first Blue Devil sweatshirt day. He’s really sick.”
Long was born near Winfield, LA and passed the Louisiana Bar examination after studying law briefly at ISU. Sarah Adams, YOPNEWS fact finder and warlord explains, “We at YOPNEWS are confident that Kingfish was born in Louisiana. As for which ISU he attended we are not sure. Indiana State, Illinois State, Iowa State. Take your pick.” Long currently attends Southeast Missouri State University where he and cousin/recluse Brandon Long reside together. An emotional Brandon Long relays his sentiments, “Kingfish doesn’t deserve this. He’s lived a moral life, he's said his prayers. Man, if I get my hands on this Huanta virus. If only Huanta was in the navy, I’d punch it in the gut, look it in the eye and yell ‘Swab the deck, Haunta’. I guess all we can do now is sit back, cross our fingers and play NHL ’99 on the computer.”
Though Phil ‘Kingfish’ Long may lay sick and dying in a Southeast Hospital bed, we should all still hope for the best. It seems that his tight pants may have prevented the spread of the Haunta above the waist. Val Lawless, BSU Christmas banquet date and now "just friend" of Phil states, “If they take a leg but keep
the Kingfish alive, that’s cool with me. ¾ of Phil & 0 Phil anyday!” She then began to practice the filler words “Precious” and “Holy”, used in the song "All ‘n All." And so you the reader should also pray and hope for the very best.
PHIL RECEIVES TONY AWARD
NEW YORK--Much to everyone's surprise, there are still Tony Awards. The Tonies (or "Tony's") are usually given to stars of the TV screen and theater, but Phil Long broke the tradition last Monday night when he became the first non-actor to win a Tony.
Long became the recipient of a brand new Tony. It is somewhat like a Lifetime Achievement Award, and it is called "Da Man," Award.
After many years of being "Da Man' at Southeast, Phil has finally been recognized on a national scale by the four Americans who give a crap about the Tonies (or "Tony's").
"I am overwhelmed by my sudden mediocre bliss," sighed Long to an audience of well over ten people. The audience roared with applause, which was made stronger by the timely "switching on" of the Appollo Theater air conditioner.
Long was nominated two weeks ago by the Tony Board to receive the highly touted "Da Man" Award. He beat out some tough competition in the form of fellow nominees Gary Belcher, Mandy Patinkin, Jason Alexander, and John Bechtold. Rumours have it that Bechtold was a close second in the balloting, but since he was operating the Powerpoint for the Awards Show, the Board thought it would be unfair to have him win.
Long plans to continue his career as "Da Man," and he will likely be nominated again next year.
FALL BRAWL UPDATE
CAPE GIRARDEAU-- The air is buzzing with the sound of men hitting the canvas. Yes, it is Fall Brawl Time.
This year's Fall Brawl will prove to be like no others in history. Some of the BSU's top grapplers will be engaged in the typically Baptist ritual of hitting, spearing, elbowing, and eating fried chicken in the Fellowship Hall (YOPNEWS has discovered that the chicken ritual may be removed from the program).
Topping off the card are som every interesting match-ups. Scott Dankel is getting ready for his big match, in which he plans to use his patented "D'Ankle Submission Clutch." One can bet that he'll bring those nasty triplets to ringside, too; opponents, beware!
Nathan Speer will certainly prove to be a formidable adversary this November, with his "Geek Stink Bomb" off of the top rope. Though Speer is a slender man, he can pack a wallop.
The wrestling community is filled with hearsay about an "E-Mail Challenge" bout which will take place between Moe-Pac and reigning champ Nathan Cromwell. Nathan could be putting his U.S. E-mail Belt on the line against the Scott Hallesque Moe-Pac.
Of course, one still must wonder about Phil Long's role in this Fall Brawl. Will he wrestle? Are the rumours of his partnership with Ryan Harper true? Long has already beaten the 100-pound rat this year, and anybody who comes up against him has to be a step down from a large rodent. Long has been seen lurking in the rafters of Fluhrer Memorial Chapel, watching like a hawk the every move of his potential victims. No one knows what the mysterious man will have in store.
Fall Brawl...Saturday, November 14...BE THERE!!
STAFF
RH---- Fatwa Issuer
Lynn Casteel--- Jihad Starter
Beth Lewis----- Salman Rushdie
Gina Garner---- Sunni Methodist
Sarah Adams---- Shiite Presbyterian
Justin Osborne- Peaceful Agnostic
Phil Long------ The Object of Our Affections
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