Vol 1, No. 4 Oct. 19, 1999

*********************** Y O P N E W S ******************


A Weekly Publication dedicated

To The Year of Phil Long



October 19, 1999 A.D.

Vol. 1, No. 4



TOP STORY: PHIL'S PANTS REACH ABSOLUTE ZERO



On Sunday, scientists were at a stand-still when Phil Long proved absolute zero could be attained.

"We never thought zero degrees Kelvin was possible in the existing average molecular state of our environment," said noted Geologist and BSU alumnus Scott Chilicut.

At a Discussion Group meeting at Cape LaCroix apt. 6-B, Long and RH bantered back and forth about religious symbolism in Dante's "Inferno," while the rest of the group read, reread, and cried over "Footprints." Feeling threatened by H's C-cup pectorals and high molecular average kinetic energy, Long decided to show a little "religious symbolism" of his very own.

"I never expected Phil to perform such a sign. He is a generous and gracious Phil," said Gina Garner, discussion group publicist.

With a blink of an eye, the excited atoms of Phil's pants came to a screeching halt at zero Kelvin. His fans were in disbelief.

"Atoms in matter just don't stop moving. Akinetic atoms--that's unheard of!" said a startled Nik Maxwell, who promptly hugged dating "hello," beat his djembe to Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation," stomped off to Pizza Inn, and vowed never to listen to Caedmon's Call again until Phil's pants returned to a kinetic state.

"Not since telling my preacher that I had to learn evolution and quitting drama team have I experienced such abnormally cold conditions. The crystals in geodes come close, but not as close as Phil's pants (to absolute zero)," said Chilicut.



PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Jennifer Love Hewitt is NAPPY!"



DARWIN'S OTHER RIB

by Georges Pisado

Tower's West 2nd Floor Declared 'Holy Zone'



Cape Girardeau (YOP)- In a predestined act of faithfulness, God's sovereign nature was clearly displayed when residents of Southeast Missouri State University dormatory Tower's West 2nd floor established a "Holy Zone" this past Thursday. The idea stems from the 1730's and 40's, a time period known as the "Great Awakening". During this time period, determined British ministers held a series of Christian meetings on the newly discovered colonial frontier. The impact and stimulation of the religious meetings was so great that many outsiders deemed certain cities as "Holy Zones," knowing that even by passing through town meant a certain salvation experience.

Holly Roach, triplet and Joe McEwing fanatic explains, "We have so many BSU people on the floor, someone is bound to be saved by just walking the hall."

There has been much debate over the perimeter of the "Holy Zone," yet most residents are comfortable with the designated boundaries. Phil Long, icon and long-time 2nd floor resident stresses that, "Though the lobby of 2nd floor West is part of the 2nd floor, it will not be included in the 'Holy Zone.' The lobby is so heavily traveled by students and dormies of other floors, it would be unrealistic and be beyond God's capabilities for them to be saved. We have to have limits people!"

YOPNEWS has learned that the 'Holy Zone' hours will be from 8am to 5pm, M-F. It will also be open 8-to 12 noon on Sundays. Heather Hall, former CA of 7th floor North and ROTC hottie, (not Darious Rucker),tells YOPNEWS that, "The hours are established so that we as Christians can truly maximize our 'Holy Zone' potential. If it were a 24-7 thing, we wouldn't have time for public pooping or other important things like deciding which part of the Bible is inspired and which part is to be 'taken with a grain of salt.'"

Contrary to popular belief Jonathan Edwards and George Whitefeild are not residents of Towers West.

Due to the abundance of salvation experiences since 'Holy Zone' conception many of the new converts have been directed away from 2nd floor West, and towards Dave Sheets. He in turn has been handing out a vast majority of his Max Lucado collection.



PHIL LONG ACTION FIGURES CREATE MAD RUSH AT BSU



Due to the recent victory of Phil Long at Getaway, his popularity with his fellow BSUers has soared. As if he wasn't cool enough before, he has practically achhieved Mike Parry (a god in his own right) status. Upon the return from Windermere, important people started waking up and taking notice of Phil. Masterminds were set to work and the novel idea of a Phil Long action figure was born. When questioned about his creation, genius Mark Oberhauser reminisced, "I was busy battling the Mormon elders when it hit me-- Phil Long would make an awesome god of his own planet, that is, if he had one." He threw the idea by the dazed elders and gained their support. A beautiful partnership was forged between Mormons and Baptists from this day forward.

The dolls hit the walls for sale yesterday, creating a mad rush in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel. There was a sea of freshman girls pushing and shoving for one of the priceless dolls. BSU secretary Sarah Blevins said about the day, "I knew it was gonna be big, but I didn't know how big. I had just sent Kindra off with my usual 'make an A' encouragement, when from the depths of Fluhrer I heard the savage cries of outraged females. I ran to the chapel and there were freshman girls strewn across the pews and laid out in the floor from the crush." Evidently Mark Oberhauser and the Mormons miscalculated the magnitude of demand for the doll and the shortage was soon felt by all.

Not only were freshman girls the victims of this crush, but also several notorious upperclassmen were spotted on the scene. A fued broke out between Sarah Adams and Julie Clover over who would get the final doll. Clover, when asked about the incident, said, "Sarah may be the President, but I was there first. It was a good thing there were people to break us up."

Eyewitness Nathan Speer said, "Dude these chicks were animals. They were ready to maul each other. I was geeked, but I knew I had to stop them."

Oberhauser and the Mormons plan to donate .001% of the sales to BSU missions.

Rachel Inman, upon hearing of the donation, gladly exclaimed, "When I found out about it I was just put in the mood for some R & B."

The Phil Long doll comes equipped with the ability to calculate all chemical equations as well as the power to conquer evolutionists. Of course, the doll is also true to form, in that it had a shapely butt.



DEBATE CONTINUES OVER YOPNEWS'S INERRANCY



CAPE GIRARDEAU--The issue of inerrancy has long plagued biblical scholars and Christians everywhere. Lately, though, another issue has sprung from the bile-ridden bowels of Christendom.

Is YOPNEWS Phil-breathed, or is it Phil's followers merely writing down their story, making it flawed and inconsistent?

"Well, if you can question any part of YOPNEWS, then the whole thing is messed up," inerrancy proponent Ryan Steck told YOPNEWS. "Phil either inspired it or he didn't. You can't say that the writers just did their own thing, because it wouldn't be holy."

"I think there are differences about what 'inspired' means," said Justin "Big Bobby" Osborne. "I mean, Phil is naturally bigger than a newspaper, but that doesn't mean that a newspaper can't be inspired by Phil just because regular humans are writing it."

There are some actual Phil followers, though, who maintain that YOPNEWS can be seen as a flawed human creation but still very powerful as a source of divine wisdom.

Lynn Casteel said, "I think you have to separate what is cultural from what is actually Phil's will. Phil was working in all of the articles, but in some of the verses, he was working to those people of his time period, not the many who would come after "

"I have a problem with the article that said Phil changed his mind," said errancy-believer/heretic Ryan Harper. "I mean, in one place, YOPNEWS claims that Phil is unchanging, but in another, it says that he changed his mind. That is a blatant contradiction."

Regardless of the debate, both sides of the argument want to let the public know that they all still believe in the fundamental importance of YOPNEWS as the written account of Phil's story. YOPNEWS would also like to say right now that YOPNEWS is completely flawless.





STAFF



RH-- Red Chief

Lynn Casteel-- Editor of tildas

Beth Lewis-- Understander of that which is misunderstood

Gina Garner-- Daddy Warbucks

Sarah Adams-- Despot

Justin Osborne-Big Booty #2

Georges Pisado-Total Package

Phil Long-- Object of our affections