Vol 2, No. 1 Oct. 28, 1999

********************* Y O P N E W S *************************


A Weekly Publication dedicated to

The Year of Phil Long



October 28, 1999 A.D.

Vol. 2, No. 1





LONG STARTS, STOPS UCONN COLD



NEW YORK (YOP)- In a NCAA Final Four first senior transfer Phillip Long, formerly of Southeast Missouri State University, started at shooting guard for the Duke Blue Devils in tonight's NCAA men's basketball championship game against the University of Conneticut Huskies. Long, a recent transfer and Blue Devil fanatic, is in his first semester at Duke and also played his first ever collegiate basketball game.

Asked about the last minute transfer Long explained, "I have always loved Duke basketball, that's no secret. I saw that no one on the Blue Devils could stop UConn's Richard Hamilton. I decided I would step up and take the challenge. I can't stand to watch my team lose."

Coach Mike Krzyzewski of Duke divulges part of his thought process behind the >insertion of Long into the starting five. "Trajan Langdon just >hasn't been getting it done in the tourney. He (Langdon), being from Alaska, is neither white nor black. I need it one way or the other. Besides, this kid Long bleeds Devil blue. He might not be a Bobby Hurley, but does Bobby Hurley have 2 championship banners hanging in his dorm room?"

Before the game new teammate of Long's, Elton Brand, had this to say, "He's slow, white, and can't really shoot from anywhere. I've heard talk that he's never even played D-1 before. He can be damn sure I'm not throw'n him the rock!"

YOPNEWS has learned that the NCAA had no rule regarding the addition of totally worthless and unexperienced players to a championship caliber team, until Long came onto the scene. One can be sure the NCAA will have to review this policy. Long explains his philosphy, "Most people.... okay, anyone would be nuts to add me to their roster before the last game of the season. I'm pathetic. I mean I've played intermurals for the BSU, but beyond that, there is no way I can compete at this level. I just got lucky tonight"

As gametime came and went the Blue Devils were crowned National Champs. Long was hoisted on the shoulders of his new teammates and paraded around the Garden as a hero. He had captured his dream by clinching the game with a winning free throw. This YOPNEWS reporter would just like to add his personal congratulations to Phil, and remind him that he is no Christian Laettner.



PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: (Pointing to Jen Avery) "Don't listen to her; I'm Phil!"



LEWIS RISES FROM THE DEAD; ADDS NEW 'LOVE' TO FAMOUS BOOK



In a not-so-shocking revelation, it has been found that renowned theologian and philosopher C.S. Lewis has risen from the grave and plans to add a new love to his revealing book "The Four Loves."

"The Four Loves" shall now be known as "The Five Loves." To true Phil Long fans, the fifth love Lewis writes of should come as no real surprise.

"We've been misinterpreting the true meaning of phileo all along," said Lewis in a prepared statement. "The term should actually be PHILeo, because in my travels, I have found none who extol virtue, brotherly love, and acceptance like Phil Long."

"As a longtime alleged eros lover and avid reader of C.S. Lewis, I commend him for this decision," commented RH, Editor of Misrepresentation of YOPNews. "I mean, Phil just welcomes everyone into his life. He says, 'Come into me, you who are living as another in the other nothing I can feel.' The silence has nothing to show without Phil Long, and I thank C.S. for recognizing the love of Phil as a Need-love in this world."

"The greatest love of all is easy to receive," said Whitney Houston in an off-the-wall 80's reference. "It's not in Bobby Brown, but in Phil Long."

YOPNews would like to point out that, coincidentally, Phil Long was in fact a child of the 80's.



DARWIN'S OTHER RIB by Georges Pisado

"Phil Gets Phreaky"



COMPTON--Phil Long will probably not become a hardcore rapper for a punk band, but all of the pieces are there.

Phil was raised in North County. He had at least a loving brother (we do not know of Phil's parents. It is possible he could have been produced by a divinely inspired spore). He was a champion wrestler and he was valedictorian of his high school.

This is the natural path for most any angsty pop star today. Upper middle-class white kid, happy family, successful student and leader, completely contented...these are just the type of people who become the spokespersons for all of the "horrible" crap teenagers must face every day, perhaps like not having cavier with your Eggs Benedict, or having to choose between the Benz or the Rolls.

Yeah, Mr. Big Shot North County Boy thinks he's pretty cool. Maybe he'll be the next Kid Rock, or Eminem, or both. He struts around campus, perfectly contented, while some of us have to write for a crappy e-mail magazine that not even Mike Parry subscribes to. What do you think of that, Mr. Long? Mr. "I didn't evolve," Mr. "I have free choice," Mr. "I like to wear lingerie" (wait...scratch that last one).

Well, Phil, I don't care if you want to become a hardcore rapper. Take your friend Mo-Pac with you, too. You lead a freaking easy life, and you take it all for granted. Oh, and another thing...BOBBY HURLEY EVOLVED BECAUSE HE WAS PREDESTINED TO BE CRAPPY!"



GEORGES PISADO DISAPPEARS MYSTERIOUSLY



CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS family received a schocking blow when its famed columnist Georges Pisado strangely vanished from the office and was never heard from since.

"You reap what you sow," said YOPNEWS rep. Gina Garner. She then ran away.

YOPNEWS resident scientist, Dr. Valerie Lawless has described the event as an unusual phenonema called "reverse rapture."

"Basically, reverse rapture occurs when a human being disappears from the earth, but seems to go deeper into the earth rather than above it," Lawless says.

Lawless's study of Pisado's office revealed a large hole below his desk, which seemed to be stitched up with a material described by Lawless's expert team as "freaking tough silly string." The string was bright blue.

Later studies of the office revealed that Pisado had typed "help me, I'm being reverse raptured" onto a Word file. Since his reverse rapture took approximately an hour, he probably did not know if he successfully saved the document.

"We will definitely miss Pisado," says writer/framer Lynn Casteel. "But he was pushing the envelope of heresy in some of his Phil-related articles."

"Dude, I just want to play ping-pong, BOO-YAA!" said Clay Eubanks. We asked him no more.

Lawless will continue to research the case of Pisado in between her renditions of "Draw Me Close" and "Sanctuary." We at YOPNEWS would like to extend our condolences to the Pisado family, and extend our undying loyalty to Phil Long. We have nothing to do with that nasty man who just got reverse-raptured.





STAFF



RH--- The Great Gazoo

Lynn Casteel--- Lyrical Terrorist

Gina Garner--- Mambo No. 5

Sarah Adams--- Big Nasty

Beth Lewis--- Henchman to Kevin Max

Justin Osborne---Big Billy Goat Gruff

Goerges Pisado---DEAD

Phil Long--- The object of our affections