Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Ho, ho, ho
Will you make the Naughty or Nice list? The YOP News is sponsoring a Yes, West Virginia, there is a Phil Claus contest. What would a holiday in honor of the Phil be called? Please comment!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Phil Rumor Report: Phil to Become Sixth Backstreet Boy?
As the Backstreet Boys, teen icons of the late 1990s, attempt to make a comeback into cultural relevancy, it is apparent that they seem to want it Phil’s way.
“He is our fire, and, indeed, our one desire,” claimed Brian Littrell, when contacted by YOPNews.
As longtime Phil Phans will remember, Phil was devastated when not chosen by Justin Osborne, Ryan Harper, Ryan Steck, and Scott Dankel to assist them in the well-remembered Backstreet Boys “Mission Aid” skit at the BSU in 2000, a decision today’s rumor may cause some to regret.
“I can’t take any blame,” said Harper, who abandoned his own Backstreet Boy dream in favor of pursuing a doctoral degree from an Ivy League university. “In my opinion, Phil just wasn’t the singer we were looking for. However, clearly the professionals are correct in this matter. If true, I wish him well.”
Others, however, feel Phil’s heretofore unknown singing talents will serve the Boys well in their attempted comeback.
“I have sat next to Phil in church and heard firsthand the power of his voice,” said Crossing member Eli Marchbanks, who sang with the William Jewell College choir in his own college days. “It was nothing but a heartache for me. Phil’s phlexing of the golden pipes put me to shame.”
The Object of Our Affection remained humble, as always, promising to revive the Boys with not just the power of his shapely buttocks, but a steady stream of medieval historical comparisons sure to appeal to a more sophisticated audience.
Rumors also abound that the Boys are willing to change their group name to Philibusters, but those are unconfirmed as yet.
“He is our fire, and, indeed, our one desire,” claimed Brian Littrell, when contacted by YOPNews.
As longtime Phil Phans will remember, Phil was devastated when not chosen by Justin Osborne, Ryan Harper, Ryan Steck, and Scott Dankel to assist them in the well-remembered Backstreet Boys “Mission Aid” skit at the BSU in 2000, a decision today’s rumor may cause some to regret.
“I can’t take any blame,” said Harper, who abandoned his own Backstreet Boy dream in favor of pursuing a doctoral degree from an Ivy League university. “In my opinion, Phil just wasn’t the singer we were looking for. However, clearly the professionals are correct in this matter. If true, I wish him well.”
Others, however, feel Phil’s heretofore unknown singing talents will serve the Boys well in their attempted comeback.
“I have sat next to Phil in church and heard firsthand the power of his voice,” said Crossing member Eli Marchbanks, who sang with the William Jewell College choir in his own college days. “It was nothing but a heartache for me. Phil’s phlexing of the golden pipes put me to shame.”
The Object of Our Affection remained humble, as always, promising to revive the Boys with not just the power of his shapely buttocks, but a steady stream of medieval historical comparisons sure to appeal to a more sophisticated audience.
Rumors also abound that the Boys are willing to change their group name to Philibusters, but those are unconfirmed as yet.
Monday, October 26, 2009
We're Back!
That’s right! We’re back. Before there were blogs, vlogs, Twitter, Facebook, and the near extinct MySpace, there was YOP News. A small group of folks decided to declare the school year of 1999-2000 as the Year of Phil. In honor of the event, we created this idea to keep people informed on the object of our affections. It’s been ten long years since our premier of this little publication, and we thought it was worthy of pulling out of the past and honoring the object of our affection.
This post and the previous two posts include new articles. Please view, enjoy, and comment. Also, please sign the guestbook at the bottom, so we know who is enjoying the site. Also, check out the items along the side. We hope to update regularly so check back often. Enjoy!
If you haven’t caught up with Phil in a while, a lot has changed. He moved to Columbia to attend the University of Missouri for a Master’s program in history. Not long after graduating Phil met his better half, and they tied the knot in 2008. He’s now back in the classroom. That’s it in a nutshell.
Enough particulars. Let’s hear it for the boy. Let’s give the boy a hand.
Mexico to receive blessing from the Pope
Pope sends Mexico a present for their passing on the Swine Flu: Mexico, MO prepares for new, famous teacher. Yes, folks, his popularity preceded him, and our beloved Phil left for Mexico in August. He is teaching biology, physics, love potions, herbology, art history, and alchemy as well as fulfilling responsibilities as lunch lady and playground supervisor. When asked by Gina Dankel nee Garner—“Why the hell did you spend so much time in school getting history degrees, when you’re not even teaching history.” Phil replied, “Well, I had to meet a wife somewhere. When asked how busy he would be with all of his responsibilities, the object of our affection replied, “’t’s nawthin. I’m used to tutoring people in subjects I had no expertise about at Sylvan, so I’m not worried in the least. If Brian Beard can be a principal then I can keep some kumkwats in line on the playground.” Pope refused to comment on blessing. When asked how he feels about being placed by the Pope, Phil commented, “it helps to have connections with the big guy upstairs—even though I don’t worship the Pope or anything dumb like that.”
Phil to topple boy wizard on blogosphere. Bloggers everywhere discuss the rising popularity of little heard of, yet much loved, man-wonder Phil Long. Warner Brothers look out. YOPNews productions plans to take over their spots in fall 2010 with the release of Phil in Real Life starring Steve Carrell as Phil.
Phil seeks new catchphrase.
Emeril has "Bam!" Michael Scott has "That's what she said." What will Phil's catchprase be? Catch phrase to be revealed in coming posts.
This post and the previous two posts include new articles. Please view, enjoy, and comment. Also, please sign the guestbook at the bottom, so we know who is enjoying the site. Also, check out the items along the side. We hope to update regularly so check back often. Enjoy!
If you haven’t caught up with Phil in a while, a lot has changed. He moved to Columbia to attend the University of Missouri for a Master’s program in history. Not long after graduating Phil met his better half, and they tied the knot in 2008. He’s now back in the classroom. That’s it in a nutshell.
Enough particulars. Let’s hear it for the boy. Let’s give the boy a hand.
Mexico to receive blessing from the Pope
Pope sends Mexico a present for their passing on the Swine Flu: Mexico, MO prepares for new, famous teacher. Yes, folks, his popularity preceded him, and our beloved Phil left for Mexico in August. He is teaching biology, physics, love potions, herbology, art history, and alchemy as well as fulfilling responsibilities as lunch lady and playground supervisor. When asked by Gina Dankel nee Garner—“Why the hell did you spend so much time in school getting history degrees, when you’re not even teaching history.” Phil replied, “Well, I had to meet a wife somewhere. When asked how busy he would be with all of his responsibilities, the object of our affection replied, “’t’s nawthin. I’m used to tutoring people in subjects I had no expertise about at Sylvan, so I’m not worried in the least. If Brian Beard can be a principal then I can keep some kumkwats in line on the playground.” Pope refused to comment on blessing. When asked how he feels about being placed by the Pope, Phil commented, “it helps to have connections with the big guy upstairs—even though I don’t worship the Pope or anything dumb like that.”
Phil to topple boy wizard on blogosphere. Bloggers everywhere discuss the rising popularity of little heard of, yet much loved, man-wonder Phil Long. Warner Brothers look out. YOPNews productions plans to take over their spots in fall 2010 with the release of Phil in Real Life starring Steve Carrell as Phil.
Phil seeks new catchphrase.
Emeril has "Bam!" Michael Scott has "That's what she said." What will Phil's catchprase be? Catch phrase to be revealed in coming posts.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Phil Marries Non-Elf
Boonville, MO--In what many pundits are calling a "major coupe for the world of Men," Tolkien fan and noted Man Phil Long wedded a fellow mortal in August of 2008.
"None of us saw this coming," said area elf Galadriel. "Phil hung out with us all of the time. He listened to our music, played our games, looked into our forbidden mirrors, drank our vials of arcane power...he even spoke Qenya really well. I thought sure he would end up with one of us. Maybe a QUEEEEEN!"
Few disguised their gasps as Alicia soon-to-be-Long walked down the aisle on a balmy August day.
"She was quite striking, for sure." Said Eowyn, friend of the groom. "But I was pretty surprised that her ears were not pointed."
The wedding was quite the cross-cultural affair, as humans, elves, hobbits, wizards, and Freewill Baptists all temporarily put aside their differences and celebrated the blissful union of Alicia and Phil.
"Hey, some of us believe in security of the believer, some of us retreat into the West after the end of the Third Age. But in the end, we all are united in our love for Phil," said long-time Phil friend Gandalf. "They wish to cure us. I say WE ARE THE CURE!!!" Gandalf continued, bending a metal door with his mind. Gandalf was then reminded to stay in character.
The wedding went off with few snags--the only exception being a dispute over who would bear the ring down the aisle. Frodo Baggins, originally chosen for the task, faltered several times as he approached the front of the church. Fortunately, usher Samwise Gamgee was able to stabilize the ashen and catatonic Baggins as he lurched ahead.
"I can't carry the ring, Mr. Frodo, but I can carry you!" Gamgee was reported to have said.
Phil was most pleased with the day, citing the absence of black riders and cave trolls. He also commented on his choice to marry a fellow mortal.
"Hey, I have nothing against elves. Some of my best friends are elves. But an elf-man union is not as easy as some would think, even in this day and age. [Would-be elf bride] would have had to forsake her immortal life, her family would have been resentful to me...it would have been a whole thing."
"I'm happy to be married to a human woman."
The post-ceremony reception included musical performances by Enya and a fireworks display by Gandalf. The couple honeymooned at the Lothlorien Resort and Casino.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Breaking Story!
Phil Looks to the Cardinals for Strong Phinish by Grammatica
When we last left lifelong Cardinals fan Phil Long 10 years ago, the Cardinals had come off of a fourth-place, sub-.500 finish in the National League Central Division, and were led by now-beleaguered, steroid-accused slugger Mark McGwire and a parade of journeymen. Phil was dismayed, as were many Cardinals fans, and doubted whether Tony La Russa could restore the team to championship glory.
But in the ten years since, the Cardinals have made the postseason six times, even winning a World Series in 2006—after giving Phil a heart attack by nearly giving the entire season away.
“Boy,” Phil said, “‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ was certainly the Cardinals’ theme song that year.”
Living on a prayer is exactly what the Cardinals did the first months of this year, trotting out Todd Wellemeyer every fifth day to give up a loss. As the trade deadline approached, Phil was adamant about the need to give up on Wellemeyer, even going so far as to say he’d take a “player to be named later” for him. But instead of giving up on Wellemeyer, the Cardinals went out and traded for Matt Holliday and Mark DeRosa, thus giving protection to the great Albert Pujols. Wellemeyer, not coincidentally, was demoted to the bullpen and later placed on the disabled list for a “sore elbow.”
“Sore brain’s more like it,” Phil commented.
However, even after a torrid August and those trades to retool the offense, doubts remain in the heart of Phil. Closer Ryan Franklin, once saver of 35 games in 37 opportunities, finds himself having blown two saves in the last week, one against the minor-league Pittsburgh Pirates.
“I think Tony just needs to shut Franklin down for a little while,” Phil said. “It’s time for what have you done for me lately? Blake Hawksworth looks good to fill in for a while. I say relax, Frankie.”
Will La Russa take Phil’s advice about the now-beleaguered Franklin? Only time (and Phil) will tell.
UPDATE: My apologies to Grammatica for the tardiness of this posting. She was on the ball getting this ready for the debut.
Tony didn't listen. Frankie says, Relax! Don't Do It. When ya' wanna come? Come!
When we last left lifelong Cardinals fan Phil Long 10 years ago, the Cardinals had come off of a fourth-place, sub-.500 finish in the National League Central Division, and were led by now-beleaguered, steroid-accused slugger Mark McGwire and a parade of journeymen. Phil was dismayed, as were many Cardinals fans, and doubted whether Tony La Russa could restore the team to championship glory.
But in the ten years since, the Cardinals have made the postseason six times, even winning a World Series in 2006—after giving Phil a heart attack by nearly giving the entire season away.
“Boy,” Phil said, “‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ was certainly the Cardinals’ theme song that year.”
Living on a prayer is exactly what the Cardinals did the first months of this year, trotting out Todd Wellemeyer every fifth day to give up a loss. As the trade deadline approached, Phil was adamant about the need to give up on Wellemeyer, even going so far as to say he’d take a “player to be named later” for him. But instead of giving up on Wellemeyer, the Cardinals went out and traded for Matt Holliday and Mark DeRosa, thus giving protection to the great Albert Pujols. Wellemeyer, not coincidentally, was demoted to the bullpen and later placed on the disabled list for a “sore elbow.”
“Sore brain’s more like it,” Phil commented.
However, even after a torrid August and those trades to retool the offense, doubts remain in the heart of Phil. Closer Ryan Franklin, once saver of 35 games in 37 opportunities, finds himself having blown two saves in the last week, one against the minor-league Pittsburgh Pirates.
“I think Tony just needs to shut Franklin down for a little while,” Phil said. “It’s time for what have you done for me lately? Blake Hawksworth looks good to fill in for a while. I say relax, Frankie.”
Will La Russa take Phil’s advice about the now-beleaguered Franklin? Only time (and Phil) will tell.
UPDATE: My apologies to Grammatica for the tardiness of this posting. She was on the ball getting this ready for the debut.
Tony didn't listen. Frankie says, Relax! Don't Do It. When ya' wanna come? Come!
Vol. 86, No. 3 Dec. 2, 1999
*********************** Y O P N E W S *****************
A Weakly(!) Publication dedicated
to the Year of Phil Long
December 2, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 86, No. 3
TOP STORY: PHIL DISCOVERS "PANTS DIMENSION"
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Whoever said that humans beings can only comprehend three dimensions should now be eating their words like so many Pop-tarts.
Chemistry student/Goblin Cleaver Phil Long, in a recent lab experiment, stumbled into what has become known to experts and Science laypeople alike as the "pants dimension."
"Perhaps what was most surprising, besides the fact that the dimension was already named like so many Word Documents, was that I discovered it in Chemistry class, not physics," stated a beaming Long. "I just did a simple litmus test and I was smack-dab in the middle of the Pants Dimension."
Long was reportedly working on a double-barreled, do-it-yourself flamethrower, which simultaneously shot lithium from one barrel and water from the other, when he and his phenolthalein became transformed. Unfortunately, since Long was the only one to enter into the dimension, no one else knew what was happening.
"To the rest of us, it just looked like his pants imploded," stated misplaced Rec major Stephanie Patrick. "I don't even need this class, but I'm sure glad I took it now."
Phil tried his hardest to explain the Pants dimension to this three dimensional YOPNEWS reporter. "Picture yourself on a boat on the sea...marmalade dreams and Mike Parry with kaliedoscope pants. The pants are on you, too, but it is knowing their universal station which causes your eyes to give way to the otherness which is Mike Parry on the Dark Side of the Moon. The has became the had not in an orange second, but neatness dominated a floating portrait of Zoroastrian aura. Also, Ed Love was there."
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"There are too many beans in this chili; I'm going to have gas."
PHIL LONG CULTS POP UP ACROSS THE COUNTRY
ATLANTA--Recent Phil Long cults have been spotted throughout the country over the last month. Yes, readers. The Phil phenomenon is no longer contained. We knew something this great could not be kept a secret for long, despite Phil's attempts at "Philianic Secret." The source of the spread seems to be from two major fronts and one minor. All SEMO Phil lovers seems to be spreading the word about his greatness to all of their friends from their hometowns, causing Phil-mania to sweep the land.
One major spread has been to Nashville. Evidently, Bryan Lamb has been as one "crying in the non-wilderness," speaking of one whom Lamb is "not fit to loosen the waistline of." Fiancee Jenn Price said, "Yeah, I allow him to spend a little time spreading the word about Phil, as long as Phil keeps in his place. Hands off, Phil! Bryan is mine!"
A most mysterious spread of Phileo love has been to schools in Georgia. All it took was one picture of Phil and one lovely quote to go along with it, and males and females alike were sold on him. April Arnett and Rayal Mahaffie, founders of Valdosta State University division of Phil fans say it has been crazy how the Phileo love has spread. It is unexplainable.
Perhaps the most disturbing faction of Phil cults has arisen in O'Fallon, Illinois. No one knows how Phil's message reached O'Fallon, for there are absolutely no SEMO connections there. However, the once sinful town has turned from its evil ways. The graven images of tall Asians have been torn down. Cheerleading has become only "semi-insane," as one O'Falloner put it. One unidentified resident of the town has vowed "to never go on another board game until Phil's good news has spread throughout Jim Edgar's and Carol Mosley-Braun's beloved land."
DC TALK-BOUND PHIL?
Recent rumors are circulating that the highly acclaimed musical trio, dc talk will be losing their balladeer, Kevin Max. Forefront and Virgin Records have been slow in releasing any information to the public. Yet in a YOP News Exculsive, Dan Pitts of dctalk management announced "Kevin Max will be taking a break for a solo tour and Phil Long will be Max's replacement on the upcoming album."
Ryan Steck, concert promoter for Max's Spring Tour, denies all such claims. Steck says "rumors of a break are just rumors. The guys couldn't function without Max." Yet Steck did admit that if should Max leave, Long is the only choice for a replacement."
In a rare interview with Ross Gehler of 'Friends', Gehler reminds there is a distinct difference
between a "break and a break-up."
In more related news, Mark Oberhauser who converses with the band frequently, reported that as long as Toby doesn't leave the group, he doesn't care who joins the band. Dc talk critics such as YOP news' editor, Ryan Harper, feel that Long could to much better with his vocal talents than to join the freak show, dc talk. Harper clarified "I mean he could take Bono's place in U2 without anyone noticing, but dctalk fans are sure to notice the advanced music quality Long will bring to the 'band'."
Bryan Lamb,former suite mate and Long's current agent, explained
that Long "would do anything to reunite Seven Day Jesus so they can make a new, soft, heather grey, t-shirt (perhaps long sleeve this time). Hopefully this dctalk thing will give him that platform and enable me to finally meet the band." However, Long himself was not available for comment but a melodic "my best friend was born in a manger" was repeatedly heard coming from under Long's door by residents of 2nd floor Towers West.
PHIL MEETS WITH KEVI-KEV TO DISCUSS COOLNESS
CAPE GIRARDEAU--SEMO is divided into basically two factions: the Philites, and the Kevikevites. For this reason, Kevin Cundiff and Phil Long held lengthy meetings in Long's room last week to discuss coolness.
Trace Webster, who presided over the meeting (by Kevi-Kev's suggestion) had this to say: "Well, the first day it was decided that being a CA was not cool. We all know what happened after that. The next day, it was decided that living with Dr. Jennie Cooper was cool. The day after that, it was decided that having a goat-tee and a moustache was cool, provided that they were in no way connected to one another by that cumbersome 'side of your mouth' hair. Do you see where I'm going here?"
Phil's obvious dominance of the Long-Cundiff Summit was just another assurance to his followers that Phil is the absolute authority on what is cool and what is not.
"Well, I don't care how many underwear ads I pose for," said a humbled (but not too much) Kevi-Kev. "I can't top that guy! I might as well change my license plate."
Phil, being the good and gracious Phil we all know, permitted Kevi-Kev to continue driving his car with the old license plate, provided he place bumper stickers on it which read "My best friend was born in North County," "My boss is a Chemistry teacher," and/or a picture of Phil swallowing a Darwin legged fish.
Kevi-Kev is now planning to devote his life to sharing Phil with others. Apparently, he has written letters to his followers at Thessolonica and Ephesus that he is not to be held in the same regard as Phil. He is merely an instrument of Phil.
We hope you enjoyed the issue. We're back!!! In all seriousness, we encourage all of our readers to be in prayer for the Long family as they deal with a personal loss in the family. Phil and Brandon are dear friends to us all, and we wish to extend our condolences and pledge our thoughts and prayers to them and their loved ones.
A Weakly(!) Publication dedicated
to the Year of Phil Long
December 2, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 86, No. 3
TOP STORY: PHIL DISCOVERS "PANTS DIMENSION"
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Whoever said that humans beings can only comprehend three dimensions should now be eating their words like so many Pop-tarts.
Chemistry student/Goblin Cleaver Phil Long, in a recent lab experiment, stumbled into what has become known to experts and Science laypeople alike as the "pants dimension."
"Perhaps what was most surprising, besides the fact that the dimension was already named like so many Word Documents, was that I discovered it in Chemistry class, not physics," stated a beaming Long. "I just did a simple litmus test and I was smack-dab in the middle of the Pants Dimension."
Long was reportedly working on a double-barreled, do-it-yourself flamethrower, which simultaneously shot lithium from one barrel and water from the other, when he and his phenolthalein became transformed. Unfortunately, since Long was the only one to enter into the dimension, no one else knew what was happening.
"To the rest of us, it just looked like his pants imploded," stated misplaced Rec major Stephanie Patrick. "I don't even need this class, but I'm sure glad I took it now."
Phil tried his hardest to explain the Pants dimension to this three dimensional YOPNEWS reporter. "Picture yourself on a boat on the sea...marmalade dreams and Mike Parry with kaliedoscope pants. The pants are on you, too, but it is knowing their universal station which causes your eyes to give way to the otherness which is Mike Parry on the Dark Side of the Moon. The has became the had not in an orange second, but neatness dominated a floating portrait of Zoroastrian aura. Also, Ed Love was there."
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"There are too many beans in this chili; I'm going to have gas."
PHIL LONG CULTS POP UP ACROSS THE COUNTRY
ATLANTA--Recent Phil Long cults have been spotted throughout the country over the last month. Yes, readers. The Phil phenomenon is no longer contained. We knew something this great could not be kept a secret for long, despite Phil's attempts at "Philianic Secret." The source of the spread seems to be from two major fronts and one minor. All SEMO Phil lovers seems to be spreading the word about his greatness to all of their friends from their hometowns, causing Phil-mania to sweep the land.
One major spread has been to Nashville. Evidently, Bryan Lamb has been as one "crying in the non-wilderness," speaking of one whom Lamb is "not fit to loosen the waistline of." Fiancee Jenn Price said, "Yeah, I allow him to spend a little time spreading the word about Phil, as long as Phil keeps in his place. Hands off, Phil! Bryan is mine!"
A most mysterious spread of Phileo love has been to schools in Georgia. All it took was one picture of Phil and one lovely quote to go along with it, and males and females alike were sold on him. April Arnett and Rayal Mahaffie, founders of Valdosta State University division of Phil fans say it has been crazy how the Phileo love has spread. It is unexplainable.
Perhaps the most disturbing faction of Phil cults has arisen in O'Fallon, Illinois. No one knows how Phil's message reached O'Fallon, for there are absolutely no SEMO connections there. However, the once sinful town has turned from its evil ways. The graven images of tall Asians have been torn down. Cheerleading has become only "semi-insane," as one O'Falloner put it. One unidentified resident of the town has vowed "to never go on another board game until Phil's good news has spread throughout Jim Edgar's and Carol Mosley-Braun's beloved land."
DC TALK-BOUND PHIL?
Recent rumors are circulating that the highly acclaimed musical trio, dc talk will be losing their balladeer, Kevin Max. Forefront and Virgin Records have been slow in releasing any information to the public. Yet in a YOP News Exculsive, Dan Pitts of dctalk management announced "Kevin Max will be taking a break for a solo tour and Phil Long will be Max's replacement on the upcoming album."
Ryan Steck, concert promoter for Max's Spring Tour, denies all such claims. Steck says "rumors of a break are just rumors. The guys couldn't function without Max." Yet Steck did admit that if should Max leave, Long is the only choice for a replacement."
In a rare interview with Ross Gehler of 'Friends', Gehler reminds there is a distinct difference
between a "break and a break-up."
In more related news, Mark Oberhauser who converses with the band frequently, reported that as long as Toby doesn't leave the group, he doesn't care who joins the band. Dc talk critics such as YOP news' editor, Ryan Harper, feel that Long could to much better with his vocal talents than to join the freak show, dc talk. Harper clarified "I mean he could take Bono's place in U2 without anyone noticing, but dctalk fans are sure to notice the advanced music quality Long will bring to the 'band'."
Bryan Lamb,former suite mate and Long's current agent, explained
that Long "would do anything to reunite Seven Day Jesus so they can make a new, soft, heather grey, t-shirt (perhaps long sleeve this time). Hopefully this dctalk thing will give him that platform and enable me to finally meet the band." However, Long himself was not available for comment but a melodic "my best friend was born in a manger" was repeatedly heard coming from under Long's door by residents of 2nd floor Towers West.
PHIL MEETS WITH KEVI-KEV TO DISCUSS COOLNESS
CAPE GIRARDEAU--SEMO is divided into basically two factions: the Philites, and the Kevikevites. For this reason, Kevin Cundiff and Phil Long held lengthy meetings in Long's room last week to discuss coolness.
Trace Webster, who presided over the meeting (by Kevi-Kev's suggestion) had this to say: "Well, the first day it was decided that being a CA was not cool. We all know what happened after that. The next day, it was decided that living with Dr. Jennie Cooper was cool. The day after that, it was decided that having a goat-tee and a moustache was cool, provided that they were in no way connected to one another by that cumbersome 'side of your mouth' hair. Do you see where I'm going here?"
Phil's obvious dominance of the Long-Cundiff Summit was just another assurance to his followers that Phil is the absolute authority on what is cool and what is not.
"Well, I don't care how many underwear ads I pose for," said a humbled (but not too much) Kevi-Kev. "I can't top that guy! I might as well change my license plate."
Phil, being the good and gracious Phil we all know, permitted Kevi-Kev to continue driving his car with the old license plate, provided he place bumper stickers on it which read "My best friend was born in North County," "My boss is a Chemistry teacher," and/or a picture of Phil swallowing a Darwin legged fish.
Kevi-Kev is now planning to devote his life to sharing Phil with others. Apparently, he has written letters to his followers at Thessolonica and Ephesus that he is not to be held in the same regard as Phil. He is merely an instrument of Phil.
We hope you enjoyed the issue. We're back!!! In all seriousness, we encourage all of our readers to be in prayer for the Long family as they deal with a personal loss in the family. Phil and Brandon are dear friends to us all, and we wish to extend our condolences and pledge our thoughts and prayers to them and their loved ones.
Vol 2, No. 2 Nov. 4, 1999
********************* Y O P N E W S ************************
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
November 4, 1999
Vol. 2, No. 2
TOP STORY: YOPNEWS WRITER RECEIVES FATWA
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS staff now has its own personal Salman Rushdie.
Beth Lewis, noted columnist for YOPNEWS, was given the high honor of having a "fatwa," or "death warrant" issued on her life. This is due to her Arrow article in which she discussed the cruel treatment of women in Muslim-occupied Afghanistan. The article was promptly replied to by the President of the local chapter of the Islamic faith, who "condemned" the article and "warned" others not to write any similar articles.
"We feel that the fatwa was necessary to show people how peaceful we are," says Muslim leader El-Aziz. "Let's face it-- the quickest way to peace and nonviolence is to first threaten your opponent with death and condemnation, and then kill them."
"The warning is very serious, I would say," says YOPNEWS wizard Justin Osborne. "I mean, the Muslim leaders in Sikeston, Poplar Bluff, and Cape are all behind the condemnation of this article. That means FIVE different people are out to get (Beth)."
What is Lewis's reaction to the fatwa? She was not available for comment, but romours have it that she has gone into hiding with Salman Rushdie, and plans to co-author a book with him. Though Lewis is not crazy about the title of his book,, the two are apparently getting along. They plan to make an appearance on the next U2 tour.
YOPNEWS would like to dispel the rumours that Lewis intends to start a "jihad," or "holy war," against local Muslim groups. There were rumours that she intended to march on the Cape Islamic center with signs that read, "Bring back Cornerstone Baptist," but these are all fabrications.
Lewis has support from all of us here at YOPNEWS, and even members of the Christian Right have rushed to Lewis's aid, in a statement released yesterday:
>The Christian Right fully backs Beth Lewis's stance against the terrible treatment of women in Afghanistan. Although we do feel that women should not leave their homes, they should not be put to death for doing so. Sure, a few broken bones may be in order, but killing them is just barbaric. Anyway, like we said before, women should not write articles for newspapers.<
NOTE TO READERS: This is a spoof article. We are not implying that all Muslims believe in violence, nor are we saying that all members of the Christian Right think women should remain at home. However, if either one of these organizations would be interested in issuing a fatwa on a member of the YOPNEWS staff, please write "fatwa (victim's name here) on a 3x5 card, and send it to us. Thank you.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High" (sung by Phil at the last TNT meeting in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel)
PHIL'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER
CAPE GIRARDEAU-– When YOPNEWS went to press last night it was still uncertain if Phil “Kingfish” Long, the youngest ancestor of the most powerful political family in Louisiana history, would survive the night. “Kingfish” has been suffering symptoms of what is being called the Huanta virus, which was thought to be contracted on his latest bayou expedition.
Huey Pierce Long, family political founder and deceased United States senator, had this to say, “Kingfish loves to ride the hovercraft through the swamps. Some Haunta must have crawled up the side of the boat, into his tight pants and gestated there all day. It was a sight. They had to cut them tighties right off his leg!” During the last press conference at Southeast Missouri Hospital Rachel Inman, nurse and R&;B fanatic, gave word of Phil’s condition. “Y’all, Kingfish is doing pretty bad. He’s got the Haunta all down his one side. He just lies there mumbling about the first Blue Devil sweatshirt day. He’s really sick.”
Long was born near Winfield, LA and passed the Louisiana Bar examination after studying law briefly at ISU. Sarah Adams, YOPNEWS fact finder and warlord explains, “We at YOPNEWS are confident that Kingfish was born in Louisiana. As for which ISU he attended we are not sure. Indiana State, Illinois State, Iowa State. Take your pick.” Long currently attends Southeast Missouri State University where he and cousin/recluse Brandon Long reside together. An emotional Brandon Long relays his sentiments, “Kingfish doesn’t deserve this. He’s lived a moral life, he's said his prayers. Man, if I get my hands on this Huanta virus. If only Huanta was in the navy, I’d punch it in the gut, look it in the eye and yell ‘Swab the deck, Haunta’. I guess all we can do now is sit back, cross our fingers and play NHL ’99 on the computer.”
Though Phil ‘Kingfish’ Long may lay sick and dying in a Southeast Hospital bed, we should all still hope for the best. It seems that his tight pants may have prevented the spread of the Haunta above the waist. Val Lawless, BSU Christmas banquet date and now "just friend" of Phil states, “If they take a leg but keep
the Kingfish alive, that’s cool with me. ¾ of Phil & 0 Phil anyday!” She then began to practice the filler words “Precious” and “Holy”, used in the song "All ‘n All." And so you the reader should also pray and hope for the very best.
PHIL RECEIVES TONY AWARD
NEW YORK--Much to everyone's surprise, there are still Tony Awards. The Tonies (or "Tony's") are usually given to stars of the TV screen and theater, but Phil Long broke the tradition last Monday night when he became the first non-actor to win a Tony.
Long became the recipient of a brand new Tony. It is somewhat like a Lifetime Achievement Award, and it is called "Da Man," Award.
After many years of being "Da Man' at Southeast, Phil has finally been recognized on a national scale by the four Americans who give a crap about the Tonies (or "Tony's").
"I am overwhelmed by my sudden mediocre bliss," sighed Long to an audience of well over ten people. The audience roared with applause, which was made stronger by the timely "switching on" of the Appollo Theater air conditioner.
Long was nominated two weeks ago by the Tony Board to receive the highly touted "Da Man" Award. He beat out some tough competition in the form of fellow nominees Gary Belcher, Mandy Patinkin, Jason Alexander, and John Bechtold. Rumours have it that Bechtold was a close second in the balloting, but since he was operating the Powerpoint for the Awards Show, the Board thought it would be unfair to have him win.
Long plans to continue his career as "Da Man," and he will likely be nominated again next year.
FALL BRAWL UPDATE
CAPE GIRARDEAU-- The air is buzzing with the sound of men hitting the canvas. Yes, it is Fall Brawl Time.
This year's Fall Brawl will prove to be like no others in history. Some of the BSU's top grapplers will be engaged in the typically Baptist ritual of hitting, spearing, elbowing, and eating fried chicken in the Fellowship Hall (YOPNEWS has discovered that the chicken ritual may be removed from the program).
Topping off the card are som every interesting match-ups. Scott Dankel is getting ready for his big match, in which he plans to use his patented "D'Ankle Submission Clutch." One can bet that he'll bring those nasty triplets to ringside, too; opponents, beware!
Nathan Speer will certainly prove to be a formidable adversary this November, with his "Geek Stink Bomb" off of the top rope. Though Speer is a slender man, he can pack a wallop.
The wrestling community is filled with hearsay about an "E-Mail Challenge" bout which will take place between Moe-Pac and reigning champ Nathan Cromwell. Nathan could be putting his U.S. E-mail Belt on the line against the Scott Hallesque Moe-Pac.
Of course, one still must wonder about Phil Long's role in this Fall Brawl. Will he wrestle? Are the rumours of his partnership with Ryan Harper true? Long has already beaten the 100-pound rat this year, and anybody who comes up against him has to be a step down from a large rodent. Long has been seen lurking in the rafters of Fluhrer Memorial Chapel, watching like a hawk the every move of his potential victims. No one knows what the mysterious man will have in store.
Fall Brawl...Saturday, November 14...BE THERE!!
STAFF
RH---- Fatwa Issuer
Lynn Casteel--- Jihad Starter
Beth Lewis----- Salman Rushdie
Gina Garner---- Sunni Methodist
Sarah Adams---- Shiite Presbyterian
Justin Osborne- Peaceful Agnostic
Phil Long------ The Object of Our Affections
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
November 4, 1999
Vol. 2, No. 2
TOP STORY: YOPNEWS WRITER RECEIVES FATWA
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS staff now has its own personal Salman Rushdie.
Beth Lewis, noted columnist for YOPNEWS, was given the high honor of having a "fatwa," or "death warrant" issued on her life. This is due to her Arrow article in which she discussed the cruel treatment of women in Muslim-occupied Afghanistan. The article was promptly replied to by the President of the local chapter of the Islamic faith, who "condemned" the article and "warned" others not to write any similar articles.
"We feel that the fatwa was necessary to show people how peaceful we are," says Muslim leader El-Aziz. "Let's face it-- the quickest way to peace and nonviolence is to first threaten your opponent with death and condemnation, and then kill them."
"The warning is very serious, I would say," says YOPNEWS wizard Justin Osborne. "I mean, the Muslim leaders in Sikeston, Poplar Bluff, and Cape are all behind the condemnation of this article. That means FIVE different people are out to get (Beth)."
What is Lewis's reaction to the fatwa? She was not available for comment, but romours have it that she has gone into hiding with Salman Rushdie, and plans to co-author a book with him. Though Lewis is not crazy about the title of his book,
YOPNEWS would like to dispel the rumours that Lewis intends to start a "jihad," or "holy war," against local Muslim groups. There were rumours that she intended to march on the Cape Islamic center with signs that read, "Bring back Cornerstone Baptist," but these are all fabrications.
Lewis has support from all of us here at YOPNEWS, and even members of the Christian Right have rushed to Lewis's aid, in a statement released yesterday:
>The Christian Right fully backs Beth Lewis's stance against the terrible treatment of women in Afghanistan. Although we do feel that women should not leave their homes, they should not be put to death for doing so. Sure, a few broken bones may be in order, but killing them is just barbaric. Anyway, like we said before, women should not write articles for newspapers.<
NOTE TO READERS: This is a spoof article. We are not implying that all Muslims believe in violence, nor are we saying that all members of the Christian Right think women should remain at home. However, if either one of these organizations would be interested in issuing a fatwa on a member of the YOPNEWS staff, please write "fatwa (victim's name here) on a 3x5 card, and send it to us. Thank you.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High" (sung by Phil at the last TNT meeting in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel)
PHIL'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER
CAPE GIRARDEAU-– When YOPNEWS went to press last night it was still uncertain if Phil “Kingfish” Long, the youngest ancestor of the most powerful political family in Louisiana history, would survive the night. “Kingfish” has been suffering symptoms of what is being called the Huanta virus, which was thought to be contracted on his latest bayou expedition.
Huey Pierce Long, family political founder and deceased United States senator, had this to say, “Kingfish loves to ride the hovercraft through the swamps. Some Haunta must have crawled up the side of the boat, into his tight pants and gestated there all day. It was a sight. They had to cut them tighties right off his leg!” During the last press conference at Southeast Missouri Hospital Rachel Inman, nurse and R&;B fanatic, gave word of Phil’s condition. “Y’all, Kingfish is doing pretty bad. He’s got the Haunta all down his one side. He just lies there mumbling about the first Blue Devil sweatshirt day. He’s really sick.”
Long was born near Winfield, LA and passed the Louisiana Bar examination after studying law briefly at ISU. Sarah Adams, YOPNEWS fact finder and warlord explains, “We at YOPNEWS are confident that Kingfish was born in Louisiana. As for which ISU he attended we are not sure. Indiana State, Illinois State, Iowa State. Take your pick.” Long currently attends Southeast Missouri State University where he and cousin/recluse Brandon Long reside together. An emotional Brandon Long relays his sentiments, “Kingfish doesn’t deserve this. He’s lived a moral life, he's said his prayers. Man, if I get my hands on this Huanta virus. If only Huanta was in the navy, I’d punch it in the gut, look it in the eye and yell ‘Swab the deck, Haunta’. I guess all we can do now is sit back, cross our fingers and play NHL ’99 on the computer.”
Though Phil ‘Kingfish’ Long may lay sick and dying in a Southeast Hospital bed, we should all still hope for the best. It seems that his tight pants may have prevented the spread of the Haunta above the waist. Val Lawless, BSU Christmas banquet date and now "just friend" of Phil states, “If they take a leg but keep
the Kingfish alive, that’s cool with me. ¾ of Phil & 0 Phil anyday!” She then began to practice the filler words “Precious” and “Holy”, used in the song "All ‘n All." And so you the reader should also pray and hope for the very best.
PHIL RECEIVES TONY AWARD
NEW YORK--Much to everyone's surprise, there are still Tony Awards. The Tonies (or "Tony's") are usually given to stars of the TV screen and theater, but Phil Long broke the tradition last Monday night when he became the first non-actor to win a Tony.
Long became the recipient of a brand new Tony. It is somewhat like a Lifetime Achievement Award, and it is called "Da Man," Award.
After many years of being "Da Man' at Southeast, Phil has finally been recognized on a national scale by the four Americans who give a crap about the Tonies (or "Tony's").
"I am overwhelmed by my sudden mediocre bliss," sighed Long to an audience of well over ten people. The audience roared with applause, which was made stronger by the timely "switching on" of the Appollo Theater air conditioner.
Long was nominated two weeks ago by the Tony Board to receive the highly touted "Da Man" Award. He beat out some tough competition in the form of fellow nominees Gary Belcher, Mandy Patinkin, Jason Alexander, and John Bechtold. Rumours have it that Bechtold was a close second in the balloting, but since he was operating the Powerpoint for the Awards Show, the Board thought it would be unfair to have him win.
Long plans to continue his career as "Da Man," and he will likely be nominated again next year.
FALL BRAWL UPDATE
CAPE GIRARDEAU-- The air is buzzing with the sound of men hitting the canvas. Yes, it is Fall Brawl Time.
This year's Fall Brawl will prove to be like no others in history. Some of the BSU's top grapplers will be engaged in the typically Baptist ritual of hitting, spearing, elbowing, and eating fried chicken in the Fellowship Hall (YOPNEWS has discovered that the chicken ritual may be removed from the program).
Topping off the card are som every interesting match-ups. Scott Dankel is getting ready for his big match, in which he plans to use his patented "D'Ankle Submission Clutch." One can bet that he'll bring those nasty triplets to ringside, too; opponents, beware!
Nathan Speer will certainly prove to be a formidable adversary this November, with his "Geek Stink Bomb" off of the top rope. Though Speer is a slender man, he can pack a wallop.
The wrestling community is filled with hearsay about an "E-Mail Challenge" bout which will take place between Moe-Pac and reigning champ Nathan Cromwell. Nathan could be putting his U.S. E-mail Belt on the line against the Scott Hallesque Moe-Pac.
Of course, one still must wonder about Phil Long's role in this Fall Brawl. Will he wrestle? Are the rumours of his partnership with Ryan Harper true? Long has already beaten the 100-pound rat this year, and anybody who comes up against him has to be a step down from a large rodent. Long has been seen lurking in the rafters of Fluhrer Memorial Chapel, watching like a hawk the every move of his potential victims. No one knows what the mysterious man will have in store.
Fall Brawl...Saturday, November 14...BE THERE!!
STAFF
RH---- Fatwa Issuer
Lynn Casteel--- Jihad Starter
Beth Lewis----- Salman Rushdie
Gina Garner---- Sunni Methodist
Sarah Adams---- Shiite Presbyterian
Justin Osborne- Peaceful Agnostic
Phil Long------ The Object of Our Affections
Vol 2, No. 1 Oct. 28, 1999
********************* Y O P N E W S *************************
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
October 28, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 2, No. 1
LONG STARTS, STOPS UCONN COLD
NEW YORK (YOP)- In a NCAA Final Four first senior transfer Phillip Long, formerly of Southeast Missouri State University, started at shooting guard for the Duke Blue Devils in tonight's NCAA men's basketball championship game against the University of Conneticut Huskies. Long, a recent transfer and Blue Devil fanatic, is in his first semester at Duke and also played his first ever collegiate basketball game.
Asked about the last minute transfer Long explained, "I have always loved Duke basketball, that's no secret. I saw that no one on the Blue Devils could stop UConn's Richard Hamilton. I decided I would step up and take the challenge. I can't stand to watch my team lose."
Coach Mike Krzyzewski of Duke divulges part of his thought process behind the >insertion of Long into the starting five. "Trajan Langdon just >hasn't been getting it done in the tourney. He (Langdon), being from Alaska, is neither white nor black. I need it one way or the other. Besides, this kid Long bleeds Devil blue. He might not be a Bobby Hurley, but does Bobby Hurley have 2 championship banners hanging in his dorm room?"
Before the game new teammate of Long's, Elton Brand, had this to say, "He's slow, white, and can't really shoot from anywhere. I've heard talk that he's never even played D-1 before. He can be damn sure I'm not throw'n him the rock!"
YOPNEWS has learned that the NCAA had no rule regarding the addition of totally worthless and unexperienced players to a championship caliber team, until Long came onto the scene. One can be sure the NCAA will have to review this policy. Long explains his philosphy, "Most people.... okay, anyone would be nuts to add me to their roster before the last game of the season. I'm pathetic. I mean I've played intermurals for the BSU, but beyond that, there is no way I can compete at this level. I just got lucky tonight"
As gametime came and went the Blue Devils were crowned National Champs. Long was hoisted on the shoulders of his new teammates and paraded around the Garden as a hero. He had captured his dream by clinching the game with a winning free throw. This YOPNEWS reporter would just like to add his personal congratulations to Phil, and remind him that he is no Christian Laettner.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: (Pointing to Jen Avery) "Don't listen to her; I'm Phil!"
LEWIS RISES FROM THE DEAD; ADDS NEW 'LOVE' TO FAMOUS BOOK
In a not-so-shocking revelation, it has been found that renowned theologian and philosopher C.S. Lewis has risen from the grave and plans to add a new love to his revealing book "The Four Loves."
"The Four Loves" shall now be known as "The Five Loves." To true Phil Long fans, the fifth love Lewis writes of should come as no real surprise.
"We've been misinterpreting the true meaning of phileo all along," said Lewis in a prepared statement. "The term should actually be PHILeo, because in my travels, I have found none who extol virtue, brotherly love, and acceptance like Phil Long."
"As a longtime alleged eros lover and avid reader of C.S. Lewis, I commend him for this decision," commented RH, Editor of Misrepresentation of YOPNews. "I mean, Phil just welcomes everyone into his life. He says, 'Come into me, you who are living as another in the other nothing I can feel.' The silence has nothing to show without Phil Long, and I thank C.S. for recognizing the love of Phil as a Need-love in this world."
"The greatest love of all is easy to receive," said Whitney Houston in an off-the-wall 80's reference. "It's not in Bobby Brown, but in Phil Long."
YOPNews would like to point out that, coincidentally, Phil Long was in fact a child of the 80's.
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB by Georges Pisado
"Phil Gets Phreaky"
COMPTON--Phil Long will probably not become a hardcore rapper for a punk band, but all of the pieces are there.
Phil was raised in North County. He had at least a loving brother (we do not know of Phil's parents. It is possible he could have been produced by a divinely inspired spore). He was a champion wrestler and he was valedictorian of his high school.
This is the natural path for most any angsty pop star today. Upper middle-class white kid, happy family, successful student and leader, completely contented...these are just the type of people who become the spokespersons for all of the "horrible" crap teenagers must face every day, perhaps like not having cavier with your Eggs Benedict, or having to choose between the Benz or the Rolls.
Yeah, Mr. Big Shot North County Boy thinks he's pretty cool. Maybe he'll be the next Kid Rock, or Eminem, or both. He struts around campus, perfectly contented, while some of us have to write for a crappy e-mail magazine that not even Mike Parry subscribes to. What do you think of that, Mr. Long? Mr. "I didn't evolve," Mr. "I have free choice," Mr. "I like to wear lingerie" (wait...scratch that last one).
Well, Phil, I don't care if you want to become a hardcore rapper. Take your friend Mo-Pac with you, too. You lead a freaking easy life, and you take it all for granted. Oh, and another thing...BOBBY HURLEY EVOLVED BECAUSE HE WAS PREDESTINED TO BE CRAPPY!"
GEORGES PISADO DISAPPEARS MYSTERIOUSLY
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS family received a schocking blow when its famed columnist Georges Pisado strangely vanished from the office and was never heard from since.
"You reap what you sow," said YOPNEWS rep. Gina Garner. She then ran away.
YOPNEWS resident scientist, Dr. Valerie Lawless has described the event as an unusual phenonema called "reverse rapture."
"Basically, reverse rapture occurs when a human being disappears from the earth, but seems to go deeper into the earth rather than above it," Lawless says.
Lawless's study of Pisado's office revealed a large hole below his desk, which seemed to be stitched up with a material described by Lawless's expert team as "freaking tough silly string." The string was bright blue.
Later studies of the office revealed that Pisado had typed "help me, I'm being reverse raptured" onto a Word file. Since his reverse rapture took approximately an hour, he probably did not know if he successfully saved the document.
"We will definitely miss Pisado," says writer/framer Lynn Casteel. "But he was pushing the envelope of heresy in some of his Phil-related articles."
"Dude, I just want to play ping-pong, BOO-YAA!" said Clay Eubanks. We asked him no more.
Lawless will continue to research the case of Pisado in between her renditions of "Draw Me Close" and "Sanctuary." We at YOPNEWS would like to extend our condolences to the Pisado family, and extend our undying loyalty to Phil Long. We have nothing to do with that nasty man who just got reverse-raptured.
STAFF
RH--- The Great Gazoo
Lynn Casteel--- Lyrical Terrorist
Gina Garner--- Mambo No. 5
Sarah Adams--- Big Nasty
Beth Lewis--- Henchman to Kevin Max
Justin Osborne---Big Billy Goat Gruff
Goerges Pisado---DEAD
Phil Long--- The object of our affections
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
October 28, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 2, No. 1
LONG STARTS, STOPS UCONN COLD
NEW YORK (YOP)- In a NCAA Final Four first senior transfer Phillip Long, formerly of Southeast Missouri State University, started at shooting guard for the Duke Blue Devils in tonight's NCAA men's basketball championship game against the University of Conneticut Huskies. Long, a recent transfer and Blue Devil fanatic, is in his first semester at Duke and also played his first ever collegiate basketball game.
Asked about the last minute transfer Long explained, "I have always loved Duke basketball, that's no secret. I saw that no one on the Blue Devils could stop UConn's Richard Hamilton. I decided I would step up and take the challenge. I can't stand to watch my team lose."
Coach Mike Krzyzewski of Duke divulges part of his thought process behind the >insertion of Long into the starting five. "Trajan Langdon just >hasn't been getting it done in the tourney. He (Langdon), being from Alaska, is neither white nor black. I need it one way or the other. Besides, this kid Long bleeds Devil blue. He might not be a Bobby Hurley, but does Bobby Hurley have 2 championship banners hanging in his dorm room?"
Before the game new teammate of Long's, Elton Brand, had this to say, "He's slow, white, and can't really shoot from anywhere. I've heard talk that he's never even played D-1 before. He can be damn sure I'm not throw'n him the rock!"
YOPNEWS has learned that the NCAA had no rule regarding the addition of totally worthless and unexperienced players to a championship caliber team, until Long came onto the scene. One can be sure the NCAA will have to review this policy. Long explains his philosphy, "Most people.... okay, anyone would be nuts to add me to their roster before the last game of the season. I'm pathetic. I mean I've played intermurals for the BSU, but beyond that, there is no way I can compete at this level. I just got lucky tonight"
As gametime came and went the Blue Devils were crowned National Champs. Long was hoisted on the shoulders of his new teammates and paraded around the Garden as a hero. He had captured his dream by clinching the game with a winning free throw. This YOPNEWS reporter would just like to add his personal congratulations to Phil, and remind him that he is no Christian Laettner.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: (Pointing to Jen Avery) "Don't listen to her; I'm Phil!"
LEWIS RISES FROM THE DEAD; ADDS NEW 'LOVE' TO FAMOUS BOOK
In a not-so-shocking revelation, it has been found that renowned theologian and philosopher C.S. Lewis has risen from the grave and plans to add a new love to his revealing book "The Four Loves."
"The Four Loves" shall now be known as "The Five Loves." To true Phil Long fans, the fifth love Lewis writes of should come as no real surprise.
"We've been misinterpreting the true meaning of phileo all along," said Lewis in a prepared statement. "The term should actually be PHILeo, because in my travels, I have found none who extol virtue, brotherly love, and acceptance like Phil Long."
"As a longtime alleged eros lover and avid reader of C.S. Lewis, I commend him for this decision," commented RH, Editor of Misrepresentation of YOPNews. "I mean, Phil just welcomes everyone into his life. He says, 'Come into me, you who are living as another in the other nothing I can feel.' The silence has nothing to show without Phil Long, and I thank C.S. for recognizing the love of Phil as a Need-love in this world."
"The greatest love of all is easy to receive," said Whitney Houston in an off-the-wall 80's reference. "It's not in Bobby Brown, but in Phil Long."
YOPNews would like to point out that, coincidentally, Phil Long was in fact a child of the 80's.
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB by Georges Pisado
"Phil Gets Phreaky"
COMPTON--Phil Long will probably not become a hardcore rapper for a punk band, but all of the pieces are there.
Phil was raised in North County. He had at least a loving brother (we do not know of Phil's parents. It is possible he could have been produced by a divinely inspired spore). He was a champion wrestler and he was valedictorian of his high school.
This is the natural path for most any angsty pop star today. Upper middle-class white kid, happy family, successful student and leader, completely contented...these are just the type of people who become the spokespersons for all of the "horrible" crap teenagers must face every day, perhaps like not having cavier with your Eggs Benedict, or having to choose between the Benz or the Rolls.
Yeah, Mr. Big Shot North County Boy thinks he's pretty cool. Maybe he'll be the next Kid Rock, or Eminem, or both. He struts around campus, perfectly contented, while some of us have to write for a crappy e-mail magazine that not even Mike Parry subscribes to. What do you think of that, Mr. Long? Mr. "I didn't evolve," Mr. "I have free choice," Mr. "I like to wear lingerie" (wait...scratch that last one).
Well, Phil, I don't care if you want to become a hardcore rapper. Take your friend Mo-Pac with you, too. You lead a freaking easy life, and you take it all for granted. Oh, and another thing...BOBBY HURLEY EVOLVED BECAUSE HE WAS PREDESTINED TO BE CRAPPY!"
GEORGES PISADO DISAPPEARS MYSTERIOUSLY
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS family received a schocking blow when its famed columnist Georges Pisado strangely vanished from the office and was never heard from since.
"You reap what you sow," said YOPNEWS rep. Gina Garner. She then ran away.
YOPNEWS resident scientist, Dr. Valerie Lawless has described the event as an unusual phenonema called "reverse rapture."
"Basically, reverse rapture occurs when a human being disappears from the earth, but seems to go deeper into the earth rather than above it," Lawless says.
Lawless's study of Pisado's office revealed a large hole below his desk, which seemed to be stitched up with a material described by Lawless's expert team as "freaking tough silly string." The string was bright blue.
Later studies of the office revealed that Pisado had typed "help me, I'm being reverse raptured" onto a Word file. Since his reverse rapture took approximately an hour, he probably did not know if he successfully saved the document.
"We will definitely miss Pisado," says writer/framer Lynn Casteel. "But he was pushing the envelope of heresy in some of his Phil-related articles."
"Dude, I just want to play ping-pong, BOO-YAA!" said Clay Eubanks. We asked him no more.
Lawless will continue to research the case of Pisado in between her renditions of "Draw Me Close" and "Sanctuary." We at YOPNEWS would like to extend our condolences to the Pisado family, and extend our undying loyalty to Phil Long. We have nothing to do with that nasty man who just got reverse-raptured.
STAFF
RH--- The Great Gazoo
Lynn Casteel--- Lyrical Terrorist
Gina Garner--- Mambo No. 5
Sarah Adams--- Big Nasty
Beth Lewis--- Henchman to Kevin Max
Justin Osborne---Big Billy Goat Gruff
Goerges Pisado---DEAD
Phil Long--- The object of our affections
Vol 1, No. 4 Oct. 19, 1999
*********************** Y O P N E W S ******************
A Weekly Publication dedicated
To The Year of Phil Long
October 19, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 1, No. 4
TOP STORY: PHIL'S PANTS REACH ABSOLUTE ZERO
On Sunday, scientists were at a stand-still when Phil Long proved absolute zero could be attained.
"We never thought zero degrees Kelvin was possible in the existing average molecular state of our environment," said noted Geologist and BSU alumnus Scott Chilicut.
At a Discussion Group meeting at Cape LaCroix apt. 6-B, Long and RH bantered back and forth about religious symbolism in Dante's "Inferno," while the rest of the group read, reread, and cried over "Footprints." Feeling threatened by H's C-cup pectorals and high molecular average kinetic energy, Long decided to show a little "religious symbolism" of his very own.
"I never expected Phil to perform such a sign. He is a generous and gracious Phil," said Gina Garner, discussion group publicist.
With a blink of an eye, the excited atoms of Phil's pants came to a screeching halt at zero Kelvin. His fans were in disbelief.
"Atoms in matter just don't stop moving. Akinetic atoms--that's unheard of!" said a startled Nik Maxwell, who promptly hugged dating "hello," beat his djembe to Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation," stomped off to Pizza Inn, and vowed never to listen to Caedmon's Call again until Phil's pants returned to a kinetic state.
"Not since telling my preacher that I had to learn evolution and quitting drama team have I experienced such abnormally cold conditions. The crystals in geodes come close, but not as close as Phil's pants (to absolute zero)," said Chilicut.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Jennifer Love Hewitt is NAPPY!"
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB
by Georges Pisado
Tower's West 2nd Floor Declared 'Holy Zone'
Cape Girardeau (YOP)- In a predestined act of faithfulness, God's sovereign nature was clearly displayed when residents of Southeast Missouri State University dormatory Tower's West 2nd floor established a "Holy Zone" this past Thursday. The idea stems from the 1730's and 40's, a time period known as the "Great Awakening". During this time period, determined British ministers held a series of Christian meetings on the newly discovered colonial frontier. The impact and stimulation of the religious meetings was so great that many outsiders deemed certain cities as "Holy Zones," knowing that even by passing through town meant a certain salvation experience.
Holly Roach, triplet and Joe McEwing fanatic explains, "We have so many BSU people on the floor, someone is bound to be saved by just walking the hall."
There has been much debate over the perimeter of the "Holy Zone," yet most residents are comfortable with the designated boundaries. Phil Long, icon and long-time 2nd floor resident stresses that, "Though the lobby of 2nd floor West is part of the 2nd floor, it will not be included in the 'Holy Zone.' The lobby is so heavily traveled by students and dormies of other floors, it would be unrealistic and be beyond God's capabilities for them to be saved. We have to have limits people!"
YOPNEWS has learned that the 'Holy Zone' hours will be from 8am to 5pm, M-F. It will also be open 8-to 12 noon on Sundays. Heather Hall, former CA of 7th floor North and ROTC hottie, (not Darious Rucker),tells YOPNEWS that, "The hours are established so that we as Christians can truly maximize our 'Holy Zone' potential. If it were a 24-7 thing, we wouldn't have time for public pooping or other important things like deciding which part of the Bible is inspired and which part is to be 'taken with a grain of salt.'"
Contrary to popular belief Jonathan Edwards and George Whitefeild are not residents of Towers West.
Due to the abundance of salvation experiences since 'Holy Zone' conception many of the new converts have been directed away from 2nd floor West, and towards Dave Sheets. He in turn has been handing out a vast majority of his Max Lucado collection.
PHIL LONG ACTION FIGURES CREATE MAD RUSH AT BSU
Due to the recent victory of Phil Long at Getaway, his popularity with his fellow BSUers has soared. As if he wasn't cool enough before, he has practically achhieved Mike Parry (a god in his own right) status. Upon the return from Windermere, important people started waking up and taking notice of Phil. Masterminds were set to work and the novel idea of a Phil Long action figure was born. When questioned about his creation, genius Mark Oberhauser reminisced, "I was busy battling the Mormon elders when it hit me-- Phil Long would make an awesome god of his own planet, that is, if he had one." He threw the idea by the dazed elders and gained their support. A beautiful partnership was forged between Mormons and Baptists from this day forward.
The dolls hit the walls for sale yesterday, creating a mad rush in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel. There was a sea of freshman girls pushing and shoving for one of the priceless dolls. BSU secretary Sarah Blevins said about the day, "I knew it was gonna be big, but I didn't know how big. I had just sent Kindra off with my usual 'make an A' encouragement, when from the depths of Fluhrer I heard the savage cries of outraged females. I ran to the chapel and there were freshman girls strewn across the pews and laid out in the floor from the crush." Evidently Mark Oberhauser and the Mormons miscalculated the magnitude of demand for the doll and the shortage was soon felt by all.
Not only were freshman girls the victims of this crush, but also several notorious upperclassmen were spotted on the scene. A fued broke out between Sarah Adams and Julie Clover over who would get the final doll. Clover, when asked about the incident, said, "Sarah may be the President, but I was there first. It was a good thing there were people to break us up."
Eyewitness Nathan Speer said, "Dude these chicks were animals. They were ready to maul each other. I was geeked, but I knew I had to stop them."
Oberhauser and the Mormons plan to donate .001% of the sales to BSU missions.
Rachel Inman, upon hearing of the donation, gladly exclaimed, "When I found out about it I was just put in the mood for some R & B."
The Phil Long doll comes equipped with the ability to calculate all chemical equations as well as the power to conquer evolutionists. Of course, the doll is also true to form, in that it had a shapely butt.
DEBATE CONTINUES OVER YOPNEWS'S INERRANCY
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The issue of inerrancy has long plagued biblical scholars and Christians everywhere. Lately, though, another issue has sprung from the bile-ridden bowels of Christendom.
Is YOPNEWS Phil-breathed, or is it Phil's followers merely writing down their story, making it flawed and inconsistent?
"Well, if you can question any part of YOPNEWS, then the whole thing is messed up," inerrancy proponent Ryan Steck told YOPNEWS. "Phil either inspired it or he didn't. You can't say that the writers just did their own thing, because it wouldn't be holy."
"I think there are differences about what 'inspired' means," said Justin "Big Bobby" Osborne. "I mean, Phil is naturally bigger than a newspaper, but that doesn't mean that a newspaper can't be inspired by Phil just because regular humans are writing it."
There are some actual Phil followers, though, who maintain that YOPNEWS can be seen as a flawed human creation but still very powerful as a source of divine wisdom.
Lynn Casteel said, "I think you have to separate what is cultural from what is actually Phil's will. Phil was working in all of the articles, but in some of the verses, he was working to those people of his time period, not the many who would come after "
"I have a problem with the article that said Phil changed his mind," said errancy-believer/heretic Ryan Harper. "I mean, in one place, YOPNEWS claims that Phil is unchanging, but in another, it says that he changed his mind. That is a blatant contradiction."
Regardless of the debate, both sides of the argument want to let the public know that they all still believe in the fundamental importance of YOPNEWS as the written account of Phil's story. YOPNEWS would also like to say right now that YOPNEWS is completely flawless.
STAFF
RH-- Red Chief
Lynn Casteel-- Editor of tildas
Beth Lewis-- Understander of that which is misunderstood
Gina Garner-- Daddy Warbucks
Sarah Adams-- Despot
Justin Osborne-Big Booty #2
Georges Pisado-Total Package
Phil Long-- Object of our affections
A Weekly Publication dedicated
To The Year of Phil Long
October 19, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 1, No. 4
TOP STORY: PHIL'S PANTS REACH ABSOLUTE ZERO
On Sunday, scientists were at a stand-still when Phil Long proved absolute zero could be attained.
"We never thought zero degrees Kelvin was possible in the existing average molecular state of our environment," said noted Geologist and BSU alumnus Scott Chilicut.
At a Discussion Group meeting at Cape LaCroix apt. 6-B, Long and RH bantered back and forth about religious symbolism in Dante's "Inferno," while the rest of the group read, reread, and cried over "Footprints." Feeling threatened by H's C-cup pectorals and high molecular average kinetic energy, Long decided to show a little "religious symbolism" of his very own.
"I never expected Phil to perform such a sign. He is a generous and gracious Phil," said Gina Garner, discussion group publicist.
With a blink of an eye, the excited atoms of Phil's pants came to a screeching halt at zero Kelvin. His fans were in disbelief.
"Atoms in matter just don't stop moving. Akinetic atoms--that's unheard of!" said a startled Nik Maxwell, who promptly hugged dating "hello," beat his djembe to Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation," stomped off to Pizza Inn, and vowed never to listen to Caedmon's Call again until Phil's pants returned to a kinetic state.
"Not since telling my preacher that I had to learn evolution and quitting drama team have I experienced such abnormally cold conditions. The crystals in geodes come close, but not as close as Phil's pants (to absolute zero)," said Chilicut.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"Jennifer Love Hewitt is NAPPY!"
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB
by Georges Pisado
Tower's West 2nd Floor Declared 'Holy Zone'
Cape Girardeau (YOP)- In a predestined act of faithfulness, God's sovereign nature was clearly displayed when residents of Southeast Missouri State University dormatory Tower's West 2nd floor established a "Holy Zone" this past Thursday. The idea stems from the 1730's and 40's, a time period known as the "Great Awakening". During this time period, determined British ministers held a series of Christian meetings on the newly discovered colonial frontier. The impact and stimulation of the religious meetings was so great that many outsiders deemed certain cities as "Holy Zones," knowing that even by passing through town meant a certain salvation experience.
Holly Roach, triplet and Joe McEwing fanatic explains, "We have so many BSU people on the floor, someone is bound to be saved by just walking the hall."
There has been much debate over the perimeter of the "Holy Zone," yet most residents are comfortable with the designated boundaries. Phil Long, icon and long-time 2nd floor resident stresses that, "Though the lobby of 2nd floor West is part of the 2nd floor, it will not be included in the 'Holy Zone.' The lobby is so heavily traveled by students and dormies of other floors, it would be unrealistic and be beyond God's capabilities for them to be saved. We have to have limits people!"
YOPNEWS has learned that the 'Holy Zone' hours will be from 8am to 5pm, M-F. It will also be open 8-to 12 noon on Sundays. Heather Hall, former CA of 7th floor North and ROTC hottie, (not Darious Rucker),tells YOPNEWS that, "The hours are established so that we as Christians can truly maximize our 'Holy Zone' potential. If it were a 24-7 thing, we wouldn't have time for public pooping or other important things like deciding which part of the Bible is inspired and which part is to be 'taken with a grain of salt.'"
Contrary to popular belief Jonathan Edwards and George Whitefeild are not residents of Towers West.
Due to the abundance of salvation experiences since 'Holy Zone' conception many of the new converts have been directed away from 2nd floor West, and towards Dave Sheets. He in turn has been handing out a vast majority of his Max Lucado collection.
PHIL LONG ACTION FIGURES CREATE MAD RUSH AT BSU
Due to the recent victory of Phil Long at Getaway, his popularity with his fellow BSUers has soared. As if he wasn't cool enough before, he has practically achhieved Mike Parry (a god in his own right) status. Upon the return from Windermere, important people started waking up and taking notice of Phil. Masterminds were set to work and the novel idea of a Phil Long action figure was born. When questioned about his creation, genius Mark Oberhauser reminisced, "I was busy battling the Mormon elders when it hit me-- Phil Long would make an awesome god of his own planet, that is, if he had one." He threw the idea by the dazed elders and gained their support. A beautiful partnership was forged between Mormons and Baptists from this day forward.
The dolls hit the walls for sale yesterday, creating a mad rush in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel. There was a sea of freshman girls pushing and shoving for one of the priceless dolls. BSU secretary Sarah Blevins said about the day, "I knew it was gonna be big, but I didn't know how big. I had just sent Kindra off with my usual 'make an A' encouragement, when from the depths of Fluhrer I heard the savage cries of outraged females. I ran to the chapel and there were freshman girls strewn across the pews and laid out in the floor from the crush." Evidently Mark Oberhauser and the Mormons miscalculated the magnitude of demand for the doll and the shortage was soon felt by all.
Not only were freshman girls the victims of this crush, but also several notorious upperclassmen were spotted on the scene. A fued broke out between Sarah Adams and Julie Clover over who would get the final doll. Clover, when asked about the incident, said, "Sarah may be the President, but I was there first. It was a good thing there were people to break us up."
Eyewitness Nathan Speer said, "Dude these chicks were animals. They were ready to maul each other. I was geeked, but I knew I had to stop them."
Oberhauser and the Mormons plan to donate .001% of the sales to BSU missions.
Rachel Inman, upon hearing of the donation, gladly exclaimed, "When I found out about it I was just put in the mood for some R & B."
The Phil Long doll comes equipped with the ability to calculate all chemical equations as well as the power to conquer evolutionists. Of course, the doll is also true to form, in that it had a shapely butt.
DEBATE CONTINUES OVER YOPNEWS'S INERRANCY
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The issue of inerrancy has long plagued biblical scholars and Christians everywhere. Lately, though, another issue has sprung from the bile-ridden bowels of Christendom.
Is YOPNEWS Phil-breathed, or is it Phil's followers merely writing down their story, making it flawed and inconsistent?
"Well, if you can question any part of YOPNEWS, then the whole thing is messed up," inerrancy proponent Ryan Steck told YOPNEWS. "Phil either inspired it or he didn't. You can't say that the writers just did their own thing, because it wouldn't be holy."
"I think there are differences about what 'inspired' means," said Justin "Big Bobby" Osborne. "I mean, Phil is naturally bigger than a newspaper, but that doesn't mean that a newspaper can't be inspired by Phil just because regular humans are writing it."
There are some actual Phil followers, though, who maintain that YOPNEWS can be seen as a flawed human creation but still very powerful as a source of divine wisdom.
Lynn Casteel said, "I think you have to separate what is cultural from what is actually Phil's will. Phil was working in all of the articles, but in some of the verses, he was working to those people of his time period, not the many who would come after "
"I have a problem with the article that said Phil changed his mind," said errancy-believer/heretic Ryan Harper. "I mean, in one place, YOPNEWS claims that Phil is unchanging, but in another, it says that he changed his mind. That is a blatant contradiction."
Regardless of the debate, both sides of the argument want to let the public know that they all still believe in the fundamental importance of YOPNEWS as the written account of Phil's story. YOPNEWS would also like to say right now that YOPNEWS is completely flawless.
STAFF
RH-- Red Chief
Lynn Casteel-- Editor of tildas
Beth Lewis-- Understander of that which is misunderstood
Gina Garner-- Daddy Warbucks
Sarah Adams-- Despot
Justin Osborne-Big Booty #2
Georges Pisado-Total Package
Phil Long-- Object of our affections
Vol 1, No. 3 Oct. 4, 1999
*********************** Y O P N E W S *************************
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
October 4, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 1, No. 3
TOP STORY: PHIL WINS WRESTLING MATCH WITH RODENT
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- In a YOPNEWS exclusive, YOPNEWS has learned that the very object of our affections showcased his North County High wrestling talents at the SEMO District Fair a few weeks ago. Phil Long, our man of the hour, engaged in a wrestling bout the likes of
which has never been seen in Southeast Missouri. In an unprecedented
accomplishment, Phil took on the 100 pound rat caged at the fair.
"It was simply unbelievable," pronounced Lynn Casteel, witness to the
event. "I can safely say I've never seen anything like it in my life."
A hush fell over the crowd as Phil emerged clad in his old North County High wrestling uniform -- "I can't believe it still fits him!" exclaimed Phil's cousin and noted prophet Brandon Long. The rat, by contrast, wore a neon pink tutu.
Phil tried to pin the rat with a simple takedown, but only came away with a handful of fur. The rat, enraged at the pain, leaped at Phil, but landed on the mat as Phil deftly evaded the lunge.
"I couldn't believe Phil's agility!" said Julie Clover. "He just rolled out of the way like it was nothing!"
The rat bared its teeth and circled, snarling. Phil, undaunted, tackled the rat again. Dodging the razor-sharp snaps of the rat, Phil took the rat down with a fireman's carry and pinned him with a Phil Long special move-- which is too amazing to even begin to describe here.
The rat was infuriated at its loss and continued to snap at Phil for
moments after referee Sarah Adams awarded the win to Phil. The rat had to be restrained and eventually tranquilized by SEMO carnies.
"It was nothing," Phil modestly proclaimed. "That rat was some fierce
competition, and I thought I was a goner. But my special move came through for me again, as it did so many times in high school."
When asked to comment upon his unseen move, Phil refused for fear of
recrimination by WWF officials.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Brandon stuck a steak down his pants."
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB
by Georges Pisado
'The Cheese Stands Alone': Subtitle Befuddles Hundreds
CAPE GIRARDEAU (YOP)- Hundreds of subscribers to YOPNEWS (Year of Phil News) awoke this morning to find confusion and disorientation waiting on their doorsteps. Many readers were found scratching their heads and wondering what to make of the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone'. Phil Long, icon and local titration fountain of knowledge explains, "I woke up at 7 am as usual and put on my robe. I walked to Magill Hall of Science room 237 (the computer lab) to check my mail. I was extremely pumped to get 'the scoop' from YOPNEWS. The first few articles were really funny, but then there was 'Darwin's Other Rib.'"
As many of our readers know, Darwin's Other Rib is a weekly column written by Georges Pisado, chancellor of YOPNEWS, which is really an alias used by Justin Osborne who goes by Big Booty #1 around the office. The column usually contains some Chemistry/Biology fun facts tying them into Phil Long's life, but today's column is not so usual. Long further explains, "I just couldn't get over the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone'. Where did that come from?" Ryan Harper, legend of Ste. Genevieve and editing-editor of YOPNEWS also was one of those caught off guard by the subtitle. "It may have been an oversight on my part," says Harper as he chuckles to himself and high-fives Osborne as
they enjoy the joke.
Osborne creator of the subtitle relays his philosophy behind this
gimmick. "Its really a boxing strategy. People are expecting the
witty/funny Phil chemistry references, the left jab. Then out of nowhere comes the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone', the right hook. Its your basic rope-a-dope technique."
Out of all the confusion and turmoil this subtitle has caused, YOPNEWS has found one person who seemed to enjoy it. Grace Parry, owner/ Old Cape merchant of A Touch of Grace coffee shop really loved the subtitle. "A lot the articles YOPNEWS provides are Phil oriented, which is funny, but I've reached my Phil max for the month. After a while it's a little hard to swallow. Sometimes new ideas and taking chances are what's best. Why do you think I married a much, MUCH older man?"
*YOPNEWS would like to thank the Farmer in the Dell for allowing the use of the subtitle 'The Cheese stands Alone'. We at YOPNEWS applaud your efforts in easy, yet catchy musical lyrics.
BAPTIST FUNDAMENTALISTS BEFUDDLED AS RUPAUL ENTERS MINISTRY
SAN FRANSISCO--The long-debated issue of women in the ministry has taken an unusual turn in the case of one California Baptist church.
RuPaul, the towering diva/she-male stepped forward last Sunday at his/her church and declared that he/she intends to enter into the Baptist ministry.
The announcement came as a shock to even the freaky-deaky California Baptists, who rank a startling 3.7 on the Buchanan Conservative meter, as opposed to the rest of the nation's Baptist's score of 13.5.
Naturally, YOPNEWS turned to its only true source for doctrinal wisdom on this matter.
"Well, there are several things that confuse me about this issue," says Phil Long. "One, RuPaul is both a man and a woman. That makes it possible only for half of RuPaul to be a minister. Which half? We're not too sure."
Phil also had a response for those people who would consider RuPaul a man.
"If RuPaul is a man, then he is probably gay, and the matter is solved. However, this is not clear, so the confusion remains."
YOPNEWS has learned that SEMO's own Heather Hall went before the Southern Baptist Conference and presented the most logical solution for the RuPaul matter, but since her head was uncovered and she was adorned with gold earrings, the Conference dismissed her statements as "heretical genius," and decided that they would remain in limbo over the matter until a man came forward with the exact same statement.
As for now, the RuPaul ordination has been delayed, though he/she has begun her own church. Since no one is sure about precisely which Baptist doctrine RuPaul is offending, the Conference has appointed to RuPaul a team of male deacons with which to raise money and talk intelligently, and a team of female "silent witnesses" with which to cook and be supportive of the aforementioned deacons.
STUDY REVEALS THAT PHIL'S ELECTRONS ARE AT SEMBIANCE
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Southeast Hospital has recently published the long-awaited report on Phil Long's atoms. The study's results will be no surprise to his large, prosperous nations of fans, but they may come as a shock to his swarthy third world village of opponents.
"The most exciting find we have...well...found, is that Phil's electrons are very much at sembiance," says Samantha Russell's dad, who headed up the research team. "Never before have I come across electrons that were so at sembiance as Phil's (electrons)."
Dr. Russell could not specify precisely who or what Phil's electrons were at sembiance with, but he reassured YOPNEWS that whatever it is, it "TASTES LIKE BUTTA."
Dr. Russell then apologized for quoting Clay Eubanks. He then apologized again.
Other findings in the research concluded that Phil has the capacity to birth children and memorize the Pentateuch.
"Phil's DNA is unusual," says Russell. "In most people, thymine usually pairs with adenine, but (Phil's) thymine pairs with a very obscure particle-- flubber."
The flubber-thymine combo, says Russell, has resulted in a dormant yet fertile womb near Phil's shapely buttocks, as well as a copy of the Torah lodged near Phil's notoriously active pituitary gland.
"The combination of Pentateuch knowledge and birthing ability will prove to be a powerful ally in my desire to clone myself as a Jewish man," said Phil.
Keep reading for more reports as they come in about Phil's genetic makeup.
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
October 4, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 1, No. 3
TOP STORY: PHIL WINS WRESTLING MATCH WITH RODENT
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- In a YOPNEWS exclusive, YOPNEWS has learned that the very object of our affections showcased his North County High wrestling talents at the SEMO District Fair a few weeks ago. Phil Long, our man of the hour, engaged in a wrestling bout the likes of
which has never been seen in Southeast Missouri. In an unprecedented
accomplishment, Phil took on the 100 pound rat caged at the fair.
"It was simply unbelievable," pronounced Lynn Casteel, witness to the
event. "I can safely say I've never seen anything like it in my life."
A hush fell over the crowd as Phil emerged clad in his old North County High wrestling uniform -- "I can't believe it still fits him!" exclaimed Phil's cousin and noted prophet Brandon Long. The rat, by contrast, wore a neon pink tutu.
Phil tried to pin the rat with a simple takedown, but only came away with a handful of fur. The rat, enraged at the pain, leaped at Phil, but landed on the mat as Phil deftly evaded the lunge.
"I couldn't believe Phil's agility!" said Julie Clover. "He just rolled out of the way like it was nothing!"
The rat bared its teeth and circled, snarling. Phil, undaunted, tackled the rat again. Dodging the razor-sharp snaps of the rat, Phil took the rat down with a fireman's carry and pinned him with a Phil Long special move-- which is too amazing to even begin to describe here.
The rat was infuriated at its loss and continued to snap at Phil for
moments after referee Sarah Adams awarded the win to Phil. The rat had to be restrained and eventually tranquilized by SEMO carnies.
"It was nothing," Phil modestly proclaimed. "That rat was some fierce
competition, and I thought I was a goner. But my special move came through for me again, as it did so many times in high school."
When asked to comment upon his unseen move, Phil refused for fear of
recrimination by WWF officials.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Brandon stuck a steak down his pants."
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB
by Georges Pisado
'The Cheese Stands Alone': Subtitle Befuddles Hundreds
CAPE GIRARDEAU (YOP)- Hundreds of subscribers to YOPNEWS (Year of Phil News) awoke this morning to find confusion and disorientation waiting on their doorsteps. Many readers were found scratching their heads and wondering what to make of the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone'. Phil Long, icon and local titration fountain of knowledge explains, "I woke up at 7 am as usual and put on my robe. I walked to Magill Hall of Science room 237 (the computer lab) to check my mail. I was extremely pumped to get 'the scoop' from YOPNEWS. The first few articles were really funny, but then there was 'Darwin's Other Rib.'"
As many of our readers know, Darwin's Other Rib is a weekly column written by Georges Pisado, chancellor of YOPNEWS, which is really an alias used by Justin Osborne who goes by Big Booty #1 around the office. The column usually contains some Chemistry/Biology fun facts tying them into Phil Long's life, but today's column is not so usual. Long further explains, "I just couldn't get over the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone'. Where did that come from?" Ryan Harper, legend of Ste. Genevieve and editing-editor of YOPNEWS also was one of those caught off guard by the subtitle. "It may have been an oversight on my part," says Harper as he chuckles to himself and high-fives Osborne as
they enjoy the joke.
Osborne creator of the subtitle relays his philosophy behind this
gimmick. "Its really a boxing strategy. People are expecting the
witty/funny Phil chemistry references, the left jab. Then out of nowhere comes the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone', the right hook. Its your basic rope-a-dope technique."
Out of all the confusion and turmoil this subtitle has caused, YOPNEWS has found one person who seemed to enjoy it. Grace Parry, owner/ Old Cape merchant of A Touch of Grace coffee shop really loved the subtitle. "A lot the articles YOPNEWS provides are Phil oriented, which is funny, but I've reached my Phil max for the month. After a while it's a little hard to swallow. Sometimes new ideas and taking chances are what's best. Why do you think I married a much, MUCH older man?"
*YOPNEWS would like to thank the Farmer in the Dell for allowing the use of the subtitle 'The Cheese stands Alone'. We at YOPNEWS applaud your efforts in easy, yet catchy musical lyrics.
BAPTIST FUNDAMENTALISTS BEFUDDLED AS RUPAUL ENTERS MINISTRY
SAN FRANSISCO--The long-debated issue of women in the ministry has taken an unusual turn in the case of one California Baptist church.
RuPaul, the towering diva/she-male stepped forward last Sunday at his/her church and declared that he/she intends to enter into the Baptist ministry.
The announcement came as a shock to even the freaky-deaky California Baptists, who rank a startling 3.7 on the Buchanan Conservative meter, as opposed to the rest of the nation's Baptist's score of 13.5.
Naturally, YOPNEWS turned to its only true source for doctrinal wisdom on this matter.
"Well, there are several things that confuse me about this issue," says Phil Long. "One, RuPaul is both a man and a woman. That makes it possible only for half of RuPaul to be a minister. Which half? We're not too sure."
Phil also had a response for those people who would consider RuPaul a man.
"If RuPaul is a man, then he is probably gay, and the matter is solved. However, this is not clear, so the confusion remains."
YOPNEWS has learned that SEMO's own Heather Hall went before the Southern Baptist Conference and presented the most logical solution for the RuPaul matter, but since her head was uncovered and she was adorned with gold earrings, the Conference dismissed her statements as "heretical genius," and decided that they would remain in limbo over the matter until a man came forward with the exact same statement.
As for now, the RuPaul ordination has been delayed, though he/she has begun her own church. Since no one is sure about precisely which Baptist doctrine RuPaul is offending, the Conference has appointed to RuPaul a team of male deacons with which to raise money and talk intelligently, and a team of female "silent witnesses" with which to cook and be supportive of the aforementioned deacons.
STUDY REVEALS THAT PHIL'S ELECTRONS ARE AT SEMBIANCE
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Southeast Hospital has recently published the long-awaited report on Phil Long's atoms. The study's results will be no surprise to his large, prosperous nations of fans, but they may come as a shock to his swarthy third world village of opponents.
"The most exciting find we have...well...found, is that Phil's electrons are very much at sembiance," says Samantha Russell's dad, who headed up the research team. "Never before have I come across electrons that were so at sembiance as Phil's (electrons)."
Dr. Russell could not specify precisely who or what Phil's electrons were at sembiance with, but he reassured YOPNEWS that whatever it is, it "TASTES LIKE BUTTA."
Dr. Russell then apologized for quoting Clay Eubanks. He then apologized again.
Other findings in the research concluded that Phil has the capacity to birth children and memorize the Pentateuch.
"Phil's DNA is unusual," says Russell. "In most people, thymine usually pairs with adenine, but (Phil's) thymine pairs with a very obscure particle-- flubber."
The flubber-thymine combo, says Russell, has resulted in a dormant yet fertile womb near Phil's shapely buttocks, as well as a copy of the Torah lodged near Phil's notoriously active pituitary gland.
"The combination of Pentateuch knowledge and birthing ability will prove to be a powerful ally in my desire to clone myself as a Jewish man," said Phil.
Keep reading for more reports as they come in about Phil's genetic makeup.
Vol. 1, No. 2 Sept, 27, 1999
*********************** Y O P N E W S **********************
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
September 27, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 1, No. 2
TOP STORY: ANTICHRIST NO LONGER ANTI-CHRIST
Madrid, Spain (YOP) – In an unforeseen monumental twist of fate this past Tuesday, September 21, the prophetically foretold antichrist of the Bible became a Christian. “We were just going door to door with the Faith Ministry,” explains Phil Long, Lynwood Baptist Church member, “and we came to his house. He opened the door and my friend Gina Garner started singing Jennifer Knapp’s His Grace is Sufficient, and to my surprise he had never heard the message and was ready to accept!” YOPNEWS has learned that the Lynwood Church group was overseas with a mission project and had some free time to spare, so they decided to share the gospel. “It’s a good thing,” says Pastor Mark Anderson. “The Tribulation would have been hell on earth.” Surprising too most, Long did not know right away that he was witnessing to the antichrist. “It’s always in the back of your mind-- ‘Hey, this guy could be him,' but it's hard to know for sure. I just got lucky I guess,” Long told YOPNEWS.
After receiving the visit from the Lynwood Faith Team, the antichrist looked a changed man. “It is a real crappy feeling to know that you were gonna be the central figure of evil in the end times. I’m glad I got my issues squared away before that whole time, time and a ½ time crap. It’s nice to know there isn’t going to be an apocalypse,” the used-to-be-incarnate Satan told YOPNEWS. After preparing his entire life for world domination and to proclaim himself as god, one has to wonder what is next for the ruler who was to come. A source close to YOPNEWS has relayed that the once prince of darkness is quoted as saying, “I think I might just hang out with the Four Riders of the Apocalypse for a while. They have been waiting for my arrival on the world scene for a long time. I feel like I owe them something. After that though, who knows. Maybe EuroDisney.”
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I wouldn't mind kissing a girl."
PHIL WINS FIDDLE CONTEST WITH THE DEVIL
GEORGIA—Phil was in Lucifer’s head for the entire week of September 20, 1999. After converting the Anti-Christ and disappointing the Prince of Darkness and all of his assorted minions, Phil met up with Ol’ Scratch once again in Georgia, this time to settle a score Charlie Daniels style.
Few at Southeast know about Phil Long’s hidden talent. In reality, he has secretly been playing the violin for years, and has worked his way up to the level of virtuoso. For the past four years Phil has managed to sneak his mandatory practice time of four hours a day under the cover of his “chem test study time.” Oh, and that “quiet time” Phil claims to have every morning? He is actually running arpeggios in his large mind the whole time.
Young Phil cuts his teeth on Panginini, Mozart, Vivaldi, and Schumann, but his real love is acid-jazz. This took his nemesis by surprise, as the Lord of the Nether Regions had prepared a bluegrass piece for the contest.
“I was really expecting him to come out with either one of Vivaldi’s ‘Four Seasons’ or the interlude in Jars of Clay’s ‘Flood’,” a befuddled Mephistopheles told YOPNEWS. “But when he hit that first half-diminished chord and slid into that cool II-V-I progression, I knew that my sin-loving butt was gone.”
“Well, we were in bluegrass country,” said Phil, “so I knew Mr. MacPhisto was counting on (bluegrass). But I had told him once, the ol’ son of a gun, I’m the best that’s ever been.”
Phil did not win anything out of the contest except bragging rights (referred to by Phil as “humility rights”) and a free two-year subscription to Oprah’s Book of the Month club, the most widely-read literature in Hades.
Phil plans to put the violin down for a while and concentrate on what he calls “the more important things in life…the viola.”
STURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This article contains six euphemisms for “devil,” which is three more than U.S.D.A. Recommended Daily Allowances. Over-reading this article may result in pustules and Spontaneous John Grisham Affinity.
1989 PHIL ERROR CARD FOUND
NEW YORK—As if the sporting card industry were not already running amuck over the Phil Long craze, one more crazy ingredient has been added to the entropic catastrophe which is modern-day sports collecting.
Mike Parry, noted minister and baseball card enthusiast, was thumbing through his card album one day when he came across a discrepancy in his “Phil Long” section.
“Really, anyone would have noticed it,” said Mike in an effort to hide his obvious elitist attitude. “I mean, it sticks out to anyone who is in the ‘elect’.”
The card is a 1989 Topps Phil Long, and it contains numerous mistakes, the most blatant of which is the highly suspect photo. The picture depicts Phil Long in a San Fransisco Giants uniform (a team which he never played for. He is playing first base.
“We assume we accidentally superimposed the Giants uniform onto Phil’s body,” stated Topps CEO Nat “King” Turner. “Since the player is left-handed, we can only assume that it is (Phil’s) body.
The second error occurs in the spelling of Phil’s name. Phil’s first name is misspelled “Will,” and his last name is misspelled “Clark.”
“It is an embarrassing error, and we would rectify the situation if this card were not produced ten years ago,” said Turner.
Phil’s management has yet to publish a statement concerning the legalities involved in the bizarre case. It is anticipated that a settlement will be reached. Meanwhile, Phil’s name entered Beckett Monthly’s Hot List at No. 12 last month.
GETAWAY UPDATE: LONG VOTED BSU STATE PRESIDENT
WINDERMERE—From North County High School valedictorian to BSU icon, Phil Long consistently responds to his fan’s desires. This past weekend at Getaway 1999, Long proved not only to be a local hero, but also a statewide celebrity.
“We all knew at SEMO’s BSU that Long’s presence is transcendent. We prayed that others would find him at Getaway,” said BSU president Sarah Adams.
Long’s motto, “doin it all for the nookie” was looked upon as “cool,” “hip,” and “open-minded” by BSUers statewide.
“We knew Long’s motto would make or break him. It had to be cool, creative, and innovative. That’s why we put a Christian spin on Limp Bizkit’s 'Nookie,'" said Long campaigner, Robbie Britt.
To help promote Long’s vie for presidency, he knew he’d need the help from BSU’s Interpretive Dance Guild. Gina Garner, Jen Price, and Adams, wearing black t-shirts and khakis, creatively moved to Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie” to raise support for Long.
“It was hard to know when to scoop, when to sway, and when to do a dramatic half-turn,” stated Price, “But, we pulled it off.”
Other SEMO BSUers contributed their talents to the event. Ryan Steck played “Machine Head” on his guitar and traded turns on his play station for Phil votes. Julie Clover and Ed Love played a “one on one” hoopfest. Neil Sander ate his own neck while quoting John Calvin. However, it was a last minute contribution from an unexpected source that brought Long over the top.
“Brian Beard really came though for me. He’s a life saver,” Long said in quiet admiration.
Beard sold his red Jeep Grand Cherokee for two Long votes.
“Hey,” beamed a glowing Beard, “I’m just doin’ it all for the nookie—of course, we’re ultimately doin’ it all for Phil.”
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB
By Georges Pisado
“Fertile Crescent Bound”
BABYLON (AP)- For days now King Nebuchadnezzar has awaken in a sweaty panic concerned about the visions he has been having as he sleeps. “Who can explain these visions and the meaning of my dreams,” pleads the King to all who can hear. As reported here first by YOPNEWS, Nebuchadnezzar’s inner-court searched far and wide and found one such man to interpret these dreams. His name, has now been released. It’s Brandon Long.
Brandon, an early 20’s student from Southeast Missouri State University was brought into meet with Persian King. Upon their first meeting, Brandon divulged vital information regarding dreams that he too had been having as of late. The King began to listen and marvel as the ex-navy man prophecied and interpreted. YOPNEWS has gained a special transcript of what was said in their meeting.
BRANDON LONG: “In your dream, oh great king Nebuchadnezzar there is a tall statue of a man. Its head is gold, arms of bronze, legs of iron and feet of coal. The head, Oh King, represents Phil Long my cousin and best friend. The gold symbolizes his quality of character and purity of heart. Next the upper torso is representational of Jacob Lily’s chest. Its amazing plain and simple. So is Jake. The legs of iron represent Brian Lamb, and his journey to Nashville. Also, Brian has iron will in his relationship with Jen Price. Finally, oh great king, black coal feet represent the fake story told by Shawn Whitnell on the BSU hayride. It basically involved slaves being killed, and it scared everybody. That is the end of my vision, oh worthy king.” After hearing this Nebuchadnezzar begins to laugh. He reaches into his trench coat and pulls out his gat. He shoots Brandon right in the face. “Thankx for the info, biznatch!#” shouted the king as he went back to his royal duties.
#YOPNEWS apologizes for the use of the word biznatch in the above article. The use of the word biznatch is humorous in nature and should not be taken offensively. Thank you.
WOULD YOU OR SOMEONE YOU SORT OF LOVE LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOPNEWS?
E-mail lyricljessejames@hotmail.com and type SUBSCRIBE YOPNEWS in your subject line!
STAFF
RH Editor of Misrepresentation
Lynn Casteel Coordinator
Beth Lewis Gaffer
Justin Osborne Big Booty #1
Gina Garner Director of Kent Library
Sarah Adams CEO and Team Leader in Triples
Georges Pisado Chancellor
Phil Long The object of our affections
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
September 27, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 1, No. 2
TOP STORY: ANTICHRIST NO LONGER ANTI-CHRIST
Madrid, Spain (YOP) – In an unforeseen monumental twist of fate this past Tuesday, September 21, the prophetically foretold antichrist of the Bible became a Christian. “We were just going door to door with the Faith Ministry,” explains Phil Long, Lynwood Baptist Church member, “and we came to his house. He opened the door and my friend Gina Garner started singing Jennifer Knapp’s His Grace is Sufficient, and to my surprise he had never heard the message and was ready to accept!” YOPNEWS has learned that the Lynwood Church group was overseas with a mission project and had some free time to spare, so they decided to share the gospel. “It’s a good thing,” says Pastor Mark Anderson. “The Tribulation would have been hell on earth.” Surprising too most, Long did not know right away that he was witnessing to the antichrist. “It’s always in the back of your mind-- ‘Hey, this guy could be him,' but it's hard to know for sure. I just got lucky I guess,” Long told YOPNEWS.
After receiving the visit from the Lynwood Faith Team, the antichrist looked a changed man. “It is a real crappy feeling to know that you were gonna be the central figure of evil in the end times. I’m glad I got my issues squared away before that whole time, time and a ½ time crap. It’s nice to know there isn’t going to be an apocalypse,” the used-to-be-incarnate Satan told YOPNEWS. After preparing his entire life for world domination and to proclaim himself as god, one has to wonder what is next for the ruler who was to come. A source close to YOPNEWS has relayed that the once prince of darkness is quoted as saying, “I think I might just hang out with the Four Riders of the Apocalypse for a while. They have been waiting for my arrival on the world scene for a long time. I feel like I owe them something. After that though, who knows. Maybe EuroDisney.”
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I wouldn't mind kissing a girl."
PHIL WINS FIDDLE CONTEST WITH THE DEVIL
GEORGIA—Phil was in Lucifer’s head for the entire week of September 20, 1999. After converting the Anti-Christ and disappointing the Prince of Darkness and all of his assorted minions, Phil met up with Ol’ Scratch once again in Georgia, this time to settle a score Charlie Daniels style.
Few at Southeast know about Phil Long’s hidden talent. In reality, he has secretly been playing the violin for years, and has worked his way up to the level of virtuoso. For the past four years Phil has managed to sneak his mandatory practice time of four hours a day under the cover of his “chem test study time.” Oh, and that “quiet time” Phil claims to have every morning? He is actually running arpeggios in his large mind the whole time.
Young Phil cuts his teeth on Panginini, Mozart, Vivaldi, and Schumann, but his real love is acid-jazz. This took his nemesis by surprise, as the Lord of the Nether Regions had prepared a bluegrass piece for the contest.
“I was really expecting him to come out with either one of Vivaldi’s ‘Four Seasons’ or the interlude in Jars of Clay’s ‘Flood’,” a befuddled Mephistopheles told YOPNEWS. “But when he hit that first half-diminished chord and slid into that cool II-V-I progression, I knew that my sin-loving butt was gone.”
“Well, we were in bluegrass country,” said Phil, “so I knew Mr. MacPhisto was counting on (bluegrass). But I had told him once, the ol’ son of a gun, I’m the best that’s ever been.”
Phil did not win anything out of the contest except bragging rights (referred to by Phil as “humility rights”) and a free two-year subscription to Oprah’s Book of the Month club, the most widely-read literature in Hades.
Phil plans to put the violin down for a while and concentrate on what he calls “the more important things in life…the viola.”
STURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This article contains six euphemisms for “devil,” which is three more than U.S.D.A. Recommended Daily Allowances. Over-reading this article may result in pustules and Spontaneous John Grisham Affinity.
1989 PHIL ERROR CARD FOUND
NEW YORK—As if the sporting card industry were not already running amuck over the Phil Long craze, one more crazy ingredient has been added to the entropic catastrophe which is modern-day sports collecting.
Mike Parry, noted minister and baseball card enthusiast, was thumbing through his card album one day when he came across a discrepancy in his “Phil Long” section.
“Really, anyone would have noticed it,” said Mike in an effort to hide his obvious elitist attitude. “I mean, it sticks out to anyone who is in the ‘elect’.”
The card is a 1989 Topps Phil Long, and it contains numerous mistakes, the most blatant of which is the highly suspect photo. The picture depicts Phil Long in a San Fransisco Giants uniform (a team which he never played for. He is playing first base.
“We assume we accidentally superimposed the Giants uniform onto Phil’s body,” stated Topps CEO Nat “King” Turner. “Since the player is left-handed, we can only assume that it is (Phil’s) body.
The second error occurs in the spelling of Phil’s name. Phil’s first name is misspelled “Will,” and his last name is misspelled “Clark.”
“It is an embarrassing error, and we would rectify the situation if this card were not produced ten years ago,” said Turner.
Phil’s management has yet to publish a statement concerning the legalities involved in the bizarre case. It is anticipated that a settlement will be reached. Meanwhile, Phil’s name entered Beckett Monthly’s Hot List at No. 12 last month.
GETAWAY UPDATE: LONG VOTED BSU STATE PRESIDENT
WINDERMERE—From North County High School valedictorian to BSU icon, Phil Long consistently responds to his fan’s desires. This past weekend at Getaway 1999, Long proved not only to be a local hero, but also a statewide celebrity.
“We all knew at SEMO’s BSU that Long’s presence is transcendent. We prayed that others would find him at Getaway,” said BSU president Sarah Adams.
Long’s motto, “doin it all for the nookie” was looked upon as “cool,” “hip,” and “open-minded” by BSUers statewide.
“We knew Long’s motto would make or break him. It had to be cool, creative, and innovative. That’s why we put a Christian spin on Limp Bizkit’s 'Nookie,'" said Long campaigner, Robbie Britt.
To help promote Long’s vie for presidency, he knew he’d need the help from BSU’s Interpretive Dance Guild. Gina Garner, Jen Price, and Adams, wearing black t-shirts and khakis, creatively moved to Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie” to raise support for Long.
“It was hard to know when to scoop, when to sway, and when to do a dramatic half-turn,” stated Price, “But, we pulled it off.”
Other SEMO BSUers contributed their talents to the event. Ryan Steck played “Machine Head” on his guitar and traded turns on his play station for Phil votes. Julie Clover and Ed Love played a “one on one” hoopfest. Neil Sander ate his own neck while quoting John Calvin. However, it was a last minute contribution from an unexpected source that brought Long over the top.
“Brian Beard really came though for me. He’s a life saver,” Long said in quiet admiration.
Beard sold his red Jeep Grand Cherokee for two Long votes.
“Hey,” beamed a glowing Beard, “I’m just doin’ it all for the nookie—of course, we’re ultimately doin’ it all for Phil.”
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB
By Georges Pisado
“Fertile Crescent Bound”
BABYLON (AP)- For days now King Nebuchadnezzar has awaken in a sweaty panic concerned about the visions he has been having as he sleeps. “Who can explain these visions and the meaning of my dreams,” pleads the King to all who can hear. As reported here first by YOPNEWS, Nebuchadnezzar’s inner-court searched far and wide and found one such man to interpret these dreams. His name, has now been released. It’s Brandon Long.
Brandon, an early 20’s student from Southeast Missouri State University was brought into meet with Persian King. Upon their first meeting, Brandon divulged vital information regarding dreams that he too had been having as of late. The King began to listen and marvel as the ex-navy man prophecied and interpreted. YOPNEWS has gained a special transcript of what was said in their meeting.
BRANDON LONG: “In your dream, oh great king Nebuchadnezzar there is a tall statue of a man. Its head is gold, arms of bronze, legs of iron and feet of coal. The head, Oh King, represents Phil Long my cousin and best friend. The gold symbolizes his quality of character and purity of heart. Next the upper torso is representational of Jacob Lily’s chest. Its amazing plain and simple. So is Jake. The legs of iron represent Brian Lamb, and his journey to Nashville. Also, Brian has iron will in his relationship with Jen Price. Finally, oh great king, black coal feet represent the fake story told by Shawn Whitnell on the BSU hayride. It basically involved slaves being killed, and it scared everybody. That is the end of my vision, oh worthy king.” After hearing this Nebuchadnezzar begins to laugh. He reaches into his trench coat and pulls out his gat. He shoots Brandon right in the face. “Thankx for the info, biznatch!#” shouted the king as he went back to his royal duties.
#YOPNEWS apologizes for the use of the word biznatch in the above article. The use of the word biznatch is humorous in nature and should not be taken offensively. Thank you.
WOULD YOU OR SOMEONE YOU SORT OF LOVE LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOPNEWS?
E-mail lyricljessejames@hotmail.com and type SUBSCRIBE YOPNEWS in your subject line!
STAFF
RH Editor of Misrepresentation
Lynn Casteel Coordinator
Beth Lewis Gaffer
Justin Osborne Big Booty #1
Gina Garner Director of Kent Library
Sarah Adams CEO and Team Leader in Triples
Georges Pisado Chancellor
Phil Long The object of our affections
The Debut Edition of YOP News: Vol 1, No. 1 Sept 20, 1999:
******************** Y O P N E W S ***********************
A weekly publication dedicated to the
Year of Phil Long
Vol 1, No. 1, September 20, 1999 A.D.
Top Story: YOPNEWS COFOUNDERS COFIND YOPNEWS
After much anticipation and many sleepless nights, the dreams of several men and women became a reality one Monday afternoon. Big business guru and marketing warlock RH pushed the "send" button on his computer, and the entire world felt the shockwaves.
"It almost seemed like a dream," said Harper. "For so long, we have waited for YOPNEWS to become a reality, and now the whole world bears testimony to our vision."
YOPNEWS is a weekly e-mail journal/newspaper/magazine dedicated to one man and one man alone: Phil Long. The YOPNEWS team prides itself in obtaining and relaying information concerning the "Year of Phil" to its many readers.
"We feel like we are filling a 'big bang-sized' hole in pop culture," says Gina Garner, spokesperson and registrar for YOPNEWS. "the world wants to know what's up with its cultural icons, and we at YOPNEWS believe that (Phil) is perhaps the most cultural of icons anywhere."
YOPNEWS's reputation seems to have preceded it. On its first run, the newsletter found its way into over ten different mailboxes-- a new record.
"We don't plan to do much advertising," H said. "When one has a quality product, good ol' fashioned beauty parlor gossip and campus buzz will do the trick." H also requested we inform readers that "old" will always be spelled "ol'" in his quotations.
Subscribing to YOPNEWS has never been easier.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"My butt is very shapely"*
* Phil quotes will always be completely true...not like anything we report is ever untrue...
PHIL MEETS WITH JAR-JAR BINKS AT GERONIMO'S
TOWERS--America's most loved man and most hated gungin met together last week in SEMO's own Geronimo's. The meeting concerned the unsuccessful trade negotiations which have been going on between the planet Naboo and North County High School.
"The combination of Binks and Long is natural," Phil manager Mo Crow told YOPNEWS. "I cannot believe we were not approached earlier by North County or Naboo."
Anonymous sources tell us that Phil was somewhat annoyed about having to travel through the planet core in order to meet Jar-Jar, who had unknowingly landed in China upon his arrival. However, tempers cooled and the talks were quite successful.
"(Phil) said that Jar-Jar was a prince of a gungin, and they are close to striking a deal," said brother Ryan Long.
"Meesa tink dat Phil issa shwewd yet tactaful," Jar-Jar said. "Plus hissa booty bery, bery shapely."
Talks will resume between Phil and Binks at an undisclosed date next week.
PHIL MEETS TONY LARUSSA
ST. LOUIS--Phil has the good fortune to meet Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa at Ozzie's Bar and Grill this weekend. Phil was quite shell-shocked at the chance encounter, but recovered enough to offer Tony his opinions concerning this season and beyond.
"Well, I was very saddened at Tony's cynicism concerning Willie McGee's aging talents," Phil told YOPNEWS. "I was forced to regulate."
Nate Dogg was not available for comment.
Phil apparently also expressed his dissatisfaction with Tony's sentence of rookie phenom Rick Ankiel to the bullpen.
"After all," Phil expressed to Tony, "why NOT blow out another young arm?"
Phil was naturally referring to the demise of Donovan Osborne, Alan Benes, and Matt Morris. After removing LaRussa's cleats from his @#$?, he decided that some closed-minded people wil never learn.
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB by Georges Pisado
"Monkey Man Say 'No More Creation'"
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Tunes have changed for the Bonne Terre native Phil Long. Having believed for most of his adult life in the Judeo-Christian "creation," this North County High School graduate has now "seen the light" so to speak.
In an unanticipated freak event of natural selection, Phil has himself become the missing link-- the undiscovered (until now) evidence which has separated man, monkey, and Australian funnel spider for over 10,000 years. After waking many a night in cold sweats, Phil began to experience extensive hair growth on various body parts other than his chin. At first it seemed onlt slightly irregular, but it quickly became unbearable, as Phil explains.
"I'm freaking Teen Wolf; Michael J. Fox has nothing on me."
Jason Bateman was not available for comment.
Throughout human existence, man has always been challenged with two questions: where did we come from, and where are we going? Phil now has answered at least one of these questions for all of us.
"I've spent the lion's share of my life studying the Bible and my science books searching for an answer (pauses to peel a banana and pick a conspicuous-looking parasite off of the interviewer's head). I had convinced myself that Creation was the only way and that I was a special, created being set apart in this world. Boy, was I way off.
As the world is presented with more and more cases of reverse evolution like my freaky-deaky self, people will realize that the Bible is just literature and Darwin's Galapagos-loving butt was right all along, aw yeah."
Phil plans to give lectures at the Stephen Jay Gould institute next summer, become a bitter existentialist hermit, and die an old, Albert Camus-loving gorilla.
FREEWILL BAPTIST LOSES FREEWILL IN TWO CAR COLLISION WITH PREDESTINY
FARMINGTON--Phil Long, friend to all and proponent of Freewill Baptist doctrine, lost his free will on Saturday when an intoxicated Predestiny traveled the wrong way onto the Farmington exit, striking Long's vehicle and free will head on. Although Long suffered little bodily harm, his free will died upon impact.
Friends and family gathered Saturday at an open-casket memorial service held at SEMO's BSU.
"It was hard to see the free will of our best friend just lying there. It couldn't even answer a simple yes or no question," sobbed Sarah Adams, BSU president. Many mourners signed cards and spoke out pledging their lives to free will and condemning the reckless behavior of Predestiny.
"It's unfortunate that his 'date with destiny' came so unexpectedly. Usually, Predestiny uses good discernment when getting behing the wheel. But who am I to question Predestiny," questioned Calvinist Neil Sander. Sander and other members of Predestiny's immediate family (also known as "The Elect") came to express their condolences and sadly proclaim the uncompromising inevitability of every single death. They then returned to Salem, Massachusetts.
Christian bands Newsboys, Caedmon's Call, and Five-Iron Frenzy took the stage at the service and sang a tear-jerking dirge tribute to Long's free will, simply titled, "Why?"
"We felt a real calling--in fact, we felt predestined-- to demagnify Predestiny and focus on what really matters-- Phil. If your focus isn't Phil, then you better rethink your life," challenged FIF.
The crowd responded with fervent cries f "YES!" "NO!" "MAYBE!"
Sadly, Long was unable to muster a simple nod.
NEXT ISSUE:
--Complete report of fiddle contest between Phil and Ol' Scratch
--New Phil 1989 Topps error card found
--Plus much more!!
YOPNEWS IS:
RH-- Chief Editor and Acquisitions Editor
Justin Osborne-- Squaw Editor and Staff Contributor
Beth Lewis-- Marketing Editor and Doctrine Confuser
Lynn Casteel-- Editing Editor and Bursar
Gina Garner-- Registrar and Spokesperson
Sarah Adams-- Chancellor of Organization
Georges Pisado-- Czar
Phil Long-- The object of our affections
A weekly publication dedicated to the
Year of Phil Long
Vol 1, No. 1, September 20, 1999 A.D.
Top Story: YOPNEWS COFOUNDERS COFIND YOPNEWS
After much anticipation and many sleepless nights, the dreams of several men and women became a reality one Monday afternoon. Big business guru and marketing warlock RH pushed the "send" button on his computer, and the entire world felt the shockwaves.
"It almost seemed like a dream," said Harper. "For so long, we have waited for YOPNEWS to become a reality, and now the whole world bears testimony to our vision."
YOPNEWS is a weekly e-mail journal/newspaper/magazine dedicated to one man and one man alone: Phil Long. The YOPNEWS team prides itself in obtaining and relaying information concerning the "Year of Phil" to its many readers.
"We feel like we are filling a 'big bang-sized' hole in pop culture," says Gina Garner, spokesperson and registrar for YOPNEWS. "the world wants to know what's up with its cultural icons, and we at YOPNEWS believe that (Phil) is perhaps the most cultural of icons anywhere."
YOPNEWS's reputation seems to have preceded it. On its first run, the newsletter found its way into over ten different mailboxes-- a new record.
"We don't plan to do much advertising," H said. "When one has a quality product, good ol' fashioned beauty parlor gossip and campus buzz will do the trick." H also requested we inform readers that "old" will always be spelled "ol'" in his quotations.
Subscribing to YOPNEWS has never been easier.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"My butt is very shapely"*
* Phil quotes will always be completely true...not like anything we report is ever untrue...
PHIL MEETS WITH JAR-JAR BINKS AT GERONIMO'S
TOWERS--America's most loved man and most hated gungin met together last week in SEMO's own Geronimo's. The meeting concerned the unsuccessful trade negotiations which have been going on between the planet Naboo and North County High School.
"The combination of Binks and Long is natural," Phil manager Mo Crow told YOPNEWS. "I cannot believe we were not approached earlier by North County or Naboo."
Anonymous sources tell us that Phil was somewhat annoyed about having to travel through the planet core in order to meet Jar-Jar, who had unknowingly landed in China upon his arrival. However, tempers cooled and the talks were quite successful.
"(Phil) said that Jar-Jar was a prince of a gungin, and they are close to striking a deal," said brother Ryan Long.
"Meesa tink dat Phil issa shwewd yet tactaful," Jar-Jar said. "Plus hissa booty bery, bery shapely."
Talks will resume between Phil and Binks at an undisclosed date next week.
PHIL MEETS TONY LARUSSA
ST. LOUIS--Phil has the good fortune to meet Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa at Ozzie's Bar and Grill this weekend. Phil was quite shell-shocked at the chance encounter, but recovered enough to offer Tony his opinions concerning this season and beyond.
"Well, I was very saddened at Tony's cynicism concerning Willie McGee's aging talents," Phil told YOPNEWS. "I was forced to regulate."
Nate Dogg was not available for comment.
Phil apparently also expressed his dissatisfaction with Tony's sentence of rookie phenom Rick Ankiel to the bullpen.
"After all," Phil expressed to Tony, "why NOT blow out another young arm?"
Phil was naturally referring to the demise of Donovan Osborne, Alan Benes, and Matt Morris. After removing LaRussa's cleats from his @#$?, he decided that some closed-minded people wil never learn.
DARWIN'S OTHER RIB by Georges Pisado
"Monkey Man Say 'No More Creation'"
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Tunes have changed for the Bonne Terre native Phil Long. Having believed for most of his adult life in the Judeo-Christian "creation," this North County High School graduate has now "seen the light" so to speak.
In an unanticipated freak event of natural selection, Phil has himself become the missing link-- the undiscovered (until now) evidence which has separated man, monkey, and Australian funnel spider for over 10,000 years. After waking many a night in cold sweats, Phil began to experience extensive hair growth on various body parts other than his chin. At first it seemed onlt slightly irregular, but it quickly became unbearable, as Phil explains.
"I'm freaking Teen Wolf; Michael J. Fox has nothing on me."
Jason Bateman was not available for comment.
Throughout human existence, man has always been challenged with two questions: where did we come from, and where are we going? Phil now has answered at least one of these questions for all of us.
"I've spent the lion's share of my life studying the Bible and my science books searching for an answer (pauses to peel a banana and pick a conspicuous-looking parasite off of the interviewer's head). I had convinced myself that Creation was the only way and that I was a special, created being set apart in this world. Boy, was I way off.
As the world is presented with more and more cases of reverse evolution like my freaky-deaky self, people will realize that the Bible is just literature and Darwin's Galapagos-loving butt was right all along, aw yeah."
Phil plans to give lectures at the Stephen Jay Gould institute next summer, become a bitter existentialist hermit, and die an old, Albert Camus-loving gorilla.
FREEWILL BAPTIST LOSES FREEWILL IN TWO CAR COLLISION WITH PREDESTINY
FARMINGTON--Phil Long, friend to all and proponent of Freewill Baptist doctrine, lost his free will on Saturday when an intoxicated Predestiny traveled the wrong way onto the Farmington exit, striking Long's vehicle and free will head on. Although Long suffered little bodily harm, his free will died upon impact.
Friends and family gathered Saturday at an open-casket memorial service held at SEMO's BSU.
"It was hard to see the free will of our best friend just lying there. It couldn't even answer a simple yes or no question," sobbed Sarah Adams, BSU president. Many mourners signed cards and spoke out pledging their lives to free will and condemning the reckless behavior of Predestiny.
"It's unfortunate that his 'date with destiny' came so unexpectedly. Usually, Predestiny uses good discernment when getting behing the wheel. But who am I to question Predestiny," questioned Calvinist Neil Sander. Sander and other members of Predestiny's immediate family (also known as "The Elect") came to express their condolences and sadly proclaim the uncompromising inevitability of every single death. They then returned to Salem, Massachusetts.
Christian bands Newsboys, Caedmon's Call, and Five-Iron Frenzy took the stage at the service and sang a tear-jerking dirge tribute to Long's free will, simply titled, "Why?"
"We felt a real calling--in fact, we felt predestined-- to demagnify Predestiny and focus on what really matters-- Phil. If your focus isn't Phil, then you better rethink your life," challenged FIF.
The crowd responded with fervent cries f "YES!" "NO!" "MAYBE!"
Sadly, Long was unable to muster a simple nod.
NEXT ISSUE:
--Complete report of fiddle contest between Phil and Ol' Scratch
--New Phil 1989 Topps error card found
--Plus much more!!
YOPNEWS IS:
RH-- Chief Editor and Acquisitions Editor
Justin Osborne-- Squaw Editor and Staff Contributor
Beth Lewis-- Marketing Editor and Doctrine Confuser
Lynn Casteel-- Editing Editor and Bursar
Gina Garner-- Registrar and Spokesperson
Sarah Adams-- Chancellor of Organization
Georges Pisado-- Czar
Phil Long-- The object of our affections
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