Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Ho, ho, ho
Will you make the Naughty or Nice list? The YOP News is sponsoring a Yes, West Virginia, there is a Phil Claus contest. What would a holiday in honor of the Phil be called? Please comment!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Phil Rumor Report: Phil to Become Sixth Backstreet Boy?
As the Backstreet Boys, teen icons of the late 1990s, attempt to make a comeback into cultural relevancy, it is apparent that they seem to want it Phil’s way.
“He is our fire, and, indeed, our one desire,” claimed Brian Littrell, when contacted by YOPNews.
As longtime Phil Phans will remember, Phil was devastated when not chosen by Justin Osborne, Ryan Harper, Ryan Steck, and Scott Dankel to assist them in the well-remembered Backstreet Boys “Mission Aid” skit at the BSU in 2000, a decision today’s rumor may cause some to regret.
“I can’t take any blame,” said Harper, who abandoned his own Backstreet Boy dream in favor of pursuing a doctoral degree from an Ivy League university. “In my opinion, Phil just wasn’t the singer we were looking for. However, clearly the professionals are correct in this matter. If true, I wish him well.”
Others, however, feel Phil’s heretofore unknown singing talents will serve the Boys well in their attempted comeback.
“I have sat next to Phil in church and heard firsthand the power of his voice,” said Crossing member Eli Marchbanks, who sang with the William Jewell College choir in his own college days. “It was nothing but a heartache for me. Phil’s phlexing of the golden pipes put me to shame.”
The Object of Our Affection remained humble, as always, promising to revive the Boys with not just the power of his shapely buttocks, but a steady stream of medieval historical comparisons sure to appeal to a more sophisticated audience.
Rumors also abound that the Boys are willing to change their group name to Philibusters, but those are unconfirmed as yet.
“He is our fire, and, indeed, our one desire,” claimed Brian Littrell, when contacted by YOPNews.
As longtime Phil Phans will remember, Phil was devastated when not chosen by Justin Osborne, Ryan Harper, Ryan Steck, and Scott Dankel to assist them in the well-remembered Backstreet Boys “Mission Aid” skit at the BSU in 2000, a decision today’s rumor may cause some to regret.
“I can’t take any blame,” said Harper, who abandoned his own Backstreet Boy dream in favor of pursuing a doctoral degree from an Ivy League university. “In my opinion, Phil just wasn’t the singer we were looking for. However, clearly the professionals are correct in this matter. If true, I wish him well.”
Others, however, feel Phil’s heretofore unknown singing talents will serve the Boys well in their attempted comeback.
“I have sat next to Phil in church and heard firsthand the power of his voice,” said Crossing member Eli Marchbanks, who sang with the William Jewell College choir in his own college days. “It was nothing but a heartache for me. Phil’s phlexing of the golden pipes put me to shame.”
The Object of Our Affection remained humble, as always, promising to revive the Boys with not just the power of his shapely buttocks, but a steady stream of medieval historical comparisons sure to appeal to a more sophisticated audience.
Rumors also abound that the Boys are willing to change their group name to Philibusters, but those are unconfirmed as yet.
Monday, October 26, 2009
We're Back!
That’s right! We’re back. Before there were blogs, vlogs, Twitter, Facebook, and the near extinct MySpace, there was YOP News. A small group of folks decided to declare the school year of 1999-2000 as the Year of Phil. In honor of the event, we created this idea to keep people informed on the object of our affections. It’s been ten long years since our premier of this little publication, and we thought it was worthy of pulling out of the past and honoring the object of our affection.
This post and the previous two posts include new articles. Please view, enjoy, and comment. Also, please sign the guestbook at the bottom, so we know who is enjoying the site. Also, check out the items along the side. We hope to update regularly so check back often. Enjoy!
If you haven’t caught up with Phil in a while, a lot has changed. He moved to Columbia to attend the University of Missouri for a Master’s program in history. Not long after graduating Phil met his better half, and they tied the knot in 2008. He’s now back in the classroom. That’s it in a nutshell.
Enough particulars. Let’s hear it for the boy. Let’s give the boy a hand.
Mexico to receive blessing from the Pope
Pope sends Mexico a present for their passing on the Swine Flu: Mexico, MO prepares for new, famous teacher. Yes, folks, his popularity preceded him, and our beloved Phil left for Mexico in August. He is teaching biology, physics, love potions, herbology, art history, and alchemy as well as fulfilling responsibilities as lunch lady and playground supervisor. When asked by Gina Dankel nee Garner—“Why the hell did you spend so much time in school getting history degrees, when you’re not even teaching history.” Phil replied, “Well, I had to meet a wife somewhere. When asked how busy he would be with all of his responsibilities, the object of our affection replied, “’t’s nawthin. I’m used to tutoring people in subjects I had no expertise about at Sylvan, so I’m not worried in the least. If Brian Beard can be a principal then I can keep some kumkwats in line on the playground.” Pope refused to comment on blessing. When asked how he feels about being placed by the Pope, Phil commented, “it helps to have connections with the big guy upstairs—even though I don’t worship the Pope or anything dumb like that.”
Phil to topple boy wizard on blogosphere. Bloggers everywhere discuss the rising popularity of little heard of, yet much loved, man-wonder Phil Long. Warner Brothers look out. YOPNews productions plans to take over their spots in fall 2010 with the release of Phil in Real Life starring Steve Carrell as Phil.
Phil seeks new catchphrase.
Emeril has "Bam!" Michael Scott has "That's what she said." What will Phil's catchprase be? Catch phrase to be revealed in coming posts.
This post and the previous two posts include new articles. Please view, enjoy, and comment. Also, please sign the guestbook at the bottom, so we know who is enjoying the site. Also, check out the items along the side. We hope to update regularly so check back often. Enjoy!
If you haven’t caught up with Phil in a while, a lot has changed. He moved to Columbia to attend the University of Missouri for a Master’s program in history. Not long after graduating Phil met his better half, and they tied the knot in 2008. He’s now back in the classroom. That’s it in a nutshell.
Enough particulars. Let’s hear it for the boy. Let’s give the boy a hand.
Mexico to receive blessing from the Pope
Pope sends Mexico a present for their passing on the Swine Flu: Mexico, MO prepares for new, famous teacher. Yes, folks, his popularity preceded him, and our beloved Phil left for Mexico in August. He is teaching biology, physics, love potions, herbology, art history, and alchemy as well as fulfilling responsibilities as lunch lady and playground supervisor. When asked by Gina Dankel nee Garner—“Why the hell did you spend so much time in school getting history degrees, when you’re not even teaching history.” Phil replied, “Well, I had to meet a wife somewhere. When asked how busy he would be with all of his responsibilities, the object of our affection replied, “’t’s nawthin. I’m used to tutoring people in subjects I had no expertise about at Sylvan, so I’m not worried in the least. If Brian Beard can be a principal then I can keep some kumkwats in line on the playground.” Pope refused to comment on blessing. When asked how he feels about being placed by the Pope, Phil commented, “it helps to have connections with the big guy upstairs—even though I don’t worship the Pope or anything dumb like that.”
Phil to topple boy wizard on blogosphere. Bloggers everywhere discuss the rising popularity of little heard of, yet much loved, man-wonder Phil Long. Warner Brothers look out. YOPNews productions plans to take over their spots in fall 2010 with the release of Phil in Real Life starring Steve Carrell as Phil.
Phil seeks new catchphrase.
Emeril has "Bam!" Michael Scott has "That's what she said." What will Phil's catchprase be? Catch phrase to be revealed in coming posts.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Phil Marries Non-Elf
Boonville, MO--In what many pundits are calling a "major coupe for the world of Men," Tolkien fan and noted Man Phil Long wedded a fellow mortal in August of 2008.
"None of us saw this coming," said area elf Galadriel. "Phil hung out with us all of the time. He listened to our music, played our games, looked into our forbidden mirrors, drank our vials of arcane power...he even spoke Qenya really well. I thought sure he would end up with one of us. Maybe a QUEEEEEN!"
Few disguised their gasps as Alicia soon-to-be-Long walked down the aisle on a balmy August day.
"She was quite striking, for sure." Said Eowyn, friend of the groom. "But I was pretty surprised that her ears were not pointed."
The wedding was quite the cross-cultural affair, as humans, elves, hobbits, wizards, and Freewill Baptists all temporarily put aside their differences and celebrated the blissful union of Alicia and Phil.
"Hey, some of us believe in security of the believer, some of us retreat into the West after the end of the Third Age. But in the end, we all are united in our love for Phil," said long-time Phil friend Gandalf. "They wish to cure us. I say WE ARE THE CURE!!!" Gandalf continued, bending a metal door with his mind. Gandalf was then reminded to stay in character.
The wedding went off with few snags--the only exception being a dispute over who would bear the ring down the aisle. Frodo Baggins, originally chosen for the task, faltered several times as he approached the front of the church. Fortunately, usher Samwise Gamgee was able to stabilize the ashen and catatonic Baggins as he lurched ahead.
"I can't carry the ring, Mr. Frodo, but I can carry you!" Gamgee was reported to have said.
Phil was most pleased with the day, citing the absence of black riders and cave trolls. He also commented on his choice to marry a fellow mortal.
"Hey, I have nothing against elves. Some of my best friends are elves. But an elf-man union is not as easy as some would think, even in this day and age. [Would-be elf bride] would have had to forsake her immortal life, her family would have been resentful to me...it would have been a whole thing."
"I'm happy to be married to a human woman."
The post-ceremony reception included musical performances by Enya and a fireworks display by Gandalf. The couple honeymooned at the Lothlorien Resort and Casino.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Breaking Story!
Phil Looks to the Cardinals for Strong Phinish by Grammatica
When we last left lifelong Cardinals fan Phil Long 10 years ago, the Cardinals had come off of a fourth-place, sub-.500 finish in the National League Central Division, and were led by now-beleaguered, steroid-accused slugger Mark McGwire and a parade of journeymen. Phil was dismayed, as were many Cardinals fans, and doubted whether Tony La Russa could restore the team to championship glory.
But in the ten years since, the Cardinals have made the postseason six times, even winning a World Series in 2006—after giving Phil a heart attack by nearly giving the entire season away.
“Boy,” Phil said, “‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ was certainly the Cardinals’ theme song that year.”
Living on a prayer is exactly what the Cardinals did the first months of this year, trotting out Todd Wellemeyer every fifth day to give up a loss. As the trade deadline approached, Phil was adamant about the need to give up on Wellemeyer, even going so far as to say he’d take a “player to be named later” for him. But instead of giving up on Wellemeyer, the Cardinals went out and traded for Matt Holliday and Mark DeRosa, thus giving protection to the great Albert Pujols. Wellemeyer, not coincidentally, was demoted to the bullpen and later placed on the disabled list for a “sore elbow.”
“Sore brain’s more like it,” Phil commented.
However, even after a torrid August and those trades to retool the offense, doubts remain in the heart of Phil. Closer Ryan Franklin, once saver of 35 games in 37 opportunities, finds himself having blown two saves in the last week, one against the minor-league Pittsburgh Pirates.
“I think Tony just needs to shut Franklin down for a little while,” Phil said. “It’s time for what have you done for me lately? Blake Hawksworth looks good to fill in for a while. I say relax, Frankie.”
Will La Russa take Phil’s advice about the now-beleaguered Franklin? Only time (and Phil) will tell.
UPDATE: My apologies to Grammatica for the tardiness of this posting. She was on the ball getting this ready for the debut.
Tony didn't listen. Frankie says, Relax! Don't Do It. When ya' wanna come? Come!
When we last left lifelong Cardinals fan Phil Long 10 years ago, the Cardinals had come off of a fourth-place, sub-.500 finish in the National League Central Division, and were led by now-beleaguered, steroid-accused slugger Mark McGwire and a parade of journeymen. Phil was dismayed, as were many Cardinals fans, and doubted whether Tony La Russa could restore the team to championship glory.
But in the ten years since, the Cardinals have made the postseason six times, even winning a World Series in 2006—after giving Phil a heart attack by nearly giving the entire season away.
“Boy,” Phil said, “‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ was certainly the Cardinals’ theme song that year.”
Living on a prayer is exactly what the Cardinals did the first months of this year, trotting out Todd Wellemeyer every fifth day to give up a loss. As the trade deadline approached, Phil was adamant about the need to give up on Wellemeyer, even going so far as to say he’d take a “player to be named later” for him. But instead of giving up on Wellemeyer, the Cardinals went out and traded for Matt Holliday and Mark DeRosa, thus giving protection to the great Albert Pujols. Wellemeyer, not coincidentally, was demoted to the bullpen and later placed on the disabled list for a “sore elbow.”
“Sore brain’s more like it,” Phil commented.
However, even after a torrid August and those trades to retool the offense, doubts remain in the heart of Phil. Closer Ryan Franklin, once saver of 35 games in 37 opportunities, finds himself having blown two saves in the last week, one against the minor-league Pittsburgh Pirates.
“I think Tony just needs to shut Franklin down for a little while,” Phil said. “It’s time for what have you done for me lately? Blake Hawksworth looks good to fill in for a while. I say relax, Frankie.”
Will La Russa take Phil’s advice about the now-beleaguered Franklin? Only time (and Phil) will tell.
UPDATE: My apologies to Grammatica for the tardiness of this posting. She was on the ball getting this ready for the debut.
Tony didn't listen. Frankie says, Relax! Don't Do It. When ya' wanna come? Come!
Vol. 86, No. 3 Dec. 2, 1999
*********************** Y O P N E W S *****************
A Weakly(!) Publication dedicated
to the Year of Phil Long
December 2, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 86, No. 3
TOP STORY: PHIL DISCOVERS "PANTS DIMENSION"
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Whoever said that humans beings can only comprehend three dimensions should now be eating their words like so many Pop-tarts.
Chemistry student/Goblin Cleaver Phil Long, in a recent lab experiment, stumbled into what has become known to experts and Science laypeople alike as the "pants dimension."
"Perhaps what was most surprising, besides the fact that the dimension was already named like so many Word Documents, was that I discovered it in Chemistry class, not physics," stated a beaming Long. "I just did a simple litmus test and I was smack-dab in the middle of the Pants Dimension."
Long was reportedly working on a double-barreled, do-it-yourself flamethrower, which simultaneously shot lithium from one barrel and water from the other, when he and his phenolthalein became transformed. Unfortunately, since Long was the only one to enter into the dimension, no one else knew what was happening.
"To the rest of us, it just looked like his pants imploded," stated misplaced Rec major Stephanie Patrick. "I don't even need this class, but I'm sure glad I took it now."
Phil tried his hardest to explain the Pants dimension to this three dimensional YOPNEWS reporter. "Picture yourself on a boat on the sea...marmalade dreams and Mike Parry with kaliedoscope pants. The pants are on you, too, but it is knowing their universal station which causes your eyes to give way to the otherness which is Mike Parry on the Dark Side of the Moon. The has became the had not in an orange second, but neatness dominated a floating portrait of Zoroastrian aura. Also, Ed Love was there."
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"There are too many beans in this chili; I'm going to have gas."
PHIL LONG CULTS POP UP ACROSS THE COUNTRY
ATLANTA--Recent Phil Long cults have been spotted throughout the country over the last month. Yes, readers. The Phil phenomenon is no longer contained. We knew something this great could not be kept a secret for long, despite Phil's attempts at "Philianic Secret." The source of the spread seems to be from two major fronts and one minor. All SEMO Phil lovers seems to be spreading the word about his greatness to all of their friends from their hometowns, causing Phil-mania to sweep the land.
One major spread has been to Nashville. Evidently, Bryan Lamb has been as one "crying in the non-wilderness," speaking of one whom Lamb is "not fit to loosen the waistline of." Fiancee Jenn Price said, "Yeah, I allow him to spend a little time spreading the word about Phil, as long as Phil keeps in his place. Hands off, Phil! Bryan is mine!"
A most mysterious spread of Phileo love has been to schools in Georgia. All it took was one picture of Phil and one lovely quote to go along with it, and males and females alike were sold on him. April Arnett and Rayal Mahaffie, founders of Valdosta State University division of Phil fans say it has been crazy how the Phileo love has spread. It is unexplainable.
Perhaps the most disturbing faction of Phil cults has arisen in O'Fallon, Illinois. No one knows how Phil's message reached O'Fallon, for there are absolutely no SEMO connections there. However, the once sinful town has turned from its evil ways. The graven images of tall Asians have been torn down. Cheerleading has become only "semi-insane," as one O'Falloner put it. One unidentified resident of the town has vowed "to never go on another board game until Phil's good news has spread throughout Jim Edgar's and Carol Mosley-Braun's beloved land."
DC TALK-BOUND PHIL?
Recent rumors are circulating that the highly acclaimed musical trio, dc talk will be losing their balladeer, Kevin Max. Forefront and Virgin Records have been slow in releasing any information to the public. Yet in a YOP News Exculsive, Dan Pitts of dctalk management announced "Kevin Max will be taking a break for a solo tour and Phil Long will be Max's replacement on the upcoming album."
Ryan Steck, concert promoter for Max's Spring Tour, denies all such claims. Steck says "rumors of a break are just rumors. The guys couldn't function without Max." Yet Steck did admit that if should Max leave, Long is the only choice for a replacement."
In a rare interview with Ross Gehler of 'Friends', Gehler reminds there is a distinct difference
between a "break and a break-up."
In more related news, Mark Oberhauser who converses with the band frequently, reported that as long as Toby doesn't leave the group, he doesn't care who joins the band. Dc talk critics such as YOP news' editor, Ryan Harper, feel that Long could to much better with his vocal talents than to join the freak show, dc talk. Harper clarified "I mean he could take Bono's place in U2 without anyone noticing, but dctalk fans are sure to notice the advanced music quality Long will bring to the 'band'."
Bryan Lamb,former suite mate and Long's current agent, explained
that Long "would do anything to reunite Seven Day Jesus so they can make a new, soft, heather grey, t-shirt (perhaps long sleeve this time). Hopefully this dctalk thing will give him that platform and enable me to finally meet the band." However, Long himself was not available for comment but a melodic "my best friend was born in a manger" was repeatedly heard coming from under Long's door by residents of 2nd floor Towers West.
PHIL MEETS WITH KEVI-KEV TO DISCUSS COOLNESS
CAPE GIRARDEAU--SEMO is divided into basically two factions: the Philites, and the Kevikevites. For this reason, Kevin Cundiff and Phil Long held lengthy meetings in Long's room last week to discuss coolness.
Trace Webster, who presided over the meeting (by Kevi-Kev's suggestion) had this to say: "Well, the first day it was decided that being a CA was not cool. We all know what happened after that. The next day, it was decided that living with Dr. Jennie Cooper was cool. The day after that, it was decided that having a goat-tee and a moustache was cool, provided that they were in no way connected to one another by that cumbersome 'side of your mouth' hair. Do you see where I'm going here?"
Phil's obvious dominance of the Long-Cundiff Summit was just another assurance to his followers that Phil is the absolute authority on what is cool and what is not.
"Well, I don't care how many underwear ads I pose for," said a humbled (but not too much) Kevi-Kev. "I can't top that guy! I might as well change my license plate."
Phil, being the good and gracious Phil we all know, permitted Kevi-Kev to continue driving his car with the old license plate, provided he place bumper stickers on it which read "My best friend was born in North County," "My boss is a Chemistry teacher," and/or a picture of Phil swallowing a Darwin legged fish.
Kevi-Kev is now planning to devote his life to sharing Phil with others. Apparently, he has written letters to his followers at Thessolonica and Ephesus that he is not to be held in the same regard as Phil. He is merely an instrument of Phil.
We hope you enjoyed the issue. We're back!!! In all seriousness, we encourage all of our readers to be in prayer for the Long family as they deal with a personal loss in the family. Phil and Brandon are dear friends to us all, and we wish to extend our condolences and pledge our thoughts and prayers to them and their loved ones.
A Weakly(!) Publication dedicated
to the Year of Phil Long
December 2, 1999 A.D.
Vol. 86, No. 3
TOP STORY: PHIL DISCOVERS "PANTS DIMENSION"
CAPE GIRARDEAU--Whoever said that humans beings can only comprehend three dimensions should now be eating their words like so many Pop-tarts.
Chemistry student/Goblin Cleaver Phil Long, in a recent lab experiment, stumbled into what has become known to experts and Science laypeople alike as the "pants dimension."
"Perhaps what was most surprising, besides the fact that the dimension was already named like so many Word Documents, was that I discovered it in Chemistry class, not physics," stated a beaming Long. "I just did a simple litmus test and I was smack-dab in the middle of the Pants Dimension."
Long was reportedly working on a double-barreled, do-it-yourself flamethrower, which simultaneously shot lithium from one barrel and water from the other, when he and his phenolthalein became transformed. Unfortunately, since Long was the only one to enter into the dimension, no one else knew what was happening.
"To the rest of us, it just looked like his pants imploded," stated misplaced Rec major Stephanie Patrick. "I don't even need this class, but I'm sure glad I took it now."
Phil tried his hardest to explain the Pants dimension to this three dimensional YOPNEWS reporter. "Picture yourself on a boat on the sea...marmalade dreams and Mike Parry with kaliedoscope pants. The pants are on you, too, but it is knowing their universal station which causes your eyes to give way to the otherness which is Mike Parry on the Dark Side of the Moon. The has became the had not in an orange second, but neatness dominated a floating portrait of Zoroastrian aura. Also, Ed Love was there."
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"There are too many beans in this chili; I'm going to have gas."
PHIL LONG CULTS POP UP ACROSS THE COUNTRY
ATLANTA--Recent Phil Long cults have been spotted throughout the country over the last month. Yes, readers. The Phil phenomenon is no longer contained. We knew something this great could not be kept a secret for long, despite Phil's attempts at "Philianic Secret." The source of the spread seems to be from two major fronts and one minor. All SEMO Phil lovers seems to be spreading the word about his greatness to all of their friends from their hometowns, causing Phil-mania to sweep the land.
One major spread has been to Nashville. Evidently, Bryan Lamb has been as one "crying in the non-wilderness," speaking of one whom Lamb is "not fit to loosen the waistline of." Fiancee Jenn Price said, "Yeah, I allow him to spend a little time spreading the word about Phil, as long as Phil keeps in his place. Hands off, Phil! Bryan is mine!"
A most mysterious spread of Phileo love has been to schools in Georgia. All it took was one picture of Phil and one lovely quote to go along with it, and males and females alike were sold on him. April Arnett and Rayal Mahaffie, founders of Valdosta State University division of Phil fans say it has been crazy how the Phileo love has spread. It is unexplainable.
Perhaps the most disturbing faction of Phil cults has arisen in O'Fallon, Illinois. No one knows how Phil's message reached O'Fallon, for there are absolutely no SEMO connections there. However, the once sinful town has turned from its evil ways. The graven images of tall Asians have been torn down. Cheerleading has become only "semi-insane," as one O'Falloner put it. One unidentified resident of the town has vowed "to never go on another board game until Phil's good news has spread throughout Jim Edgar's and Carol Mosley-Braun's beloved land."
DC TALK-BOUND PHIL?
Recent rumors are circulating that the highly acclaimed musical trio, dc talk will be losing their balladeer, Kevin Max. Forefront and Virgin Records have been slow in releasing any information to the public. Yet in a YOP News Exculsive, Dan Pitts of dctalk management announced "Kevin Max will be taking a break for a solo tour and Phil Long will be Max's replacement on the upcoming album."
Ryan Steck, concert promoter for Max's Spring Tour, denies all such claims. Steck says "rumors of a break are just rumors. The guys couldn't function without Max." Yet Steck did admit that if should Max leave, Long is the only choice for a replacement."
In a rare interview with Ross Gehler of 'Friends', Gehler reminds there is a distinct difference
between a "break and a break-up."
In more related news, Mark Oberhauser who converses with the band frequently, reported that as long as Toby doesn't leave the group, he doesn't care who joins the band. Dc talk critics such as YOP news' editor, Ryan Harper, feel that Long could to much better with his vocal talents than to join the freak show, dc talk. Harper clarified "I mean he could take Bono's place in U2 without anyone noticing, but dctalk fans are sure to notice the advanced music quality Long will bring to the 'band'."
Bryan Lamb,former suite mate and Long's current agent, explained
that Long "would do anything to reunite Seven Day Jesus so they can make a new, soft, heather grey, t-shirt (perhaps long sleeve this time). Hopefully this dctalk thing will give him that platform and enable me to finally meet the band." However, Long himself was not available for comment but a melodic "my best friend was born in a manger" was repeatedly heard coming from under Long's door by residents of 2nd floor Towers West.
PHIL MEETS WITH KEVI-KEV TO DISCUSS COOLNESS
CAPE GIRARDEAU--SEMO is divided into basically two factions: the Philites, and the Kevikevites. For this reason, Kevin Cundiff and Phil Long held lengthy meetings in Long's room last week to discuss coolness.
Trace Webster, who presided over the meeting (by Kevi-Kev's suggestion) had this to say: "Well, the first day it was decided that being a CA was not cool. We all know what happened after that. The next day, it was decided that living with Dr. Jennie Cooper was cool. The day after that, it was decided that having a goat-tee and a moustache was cool, provided that they were in no way connected to one another by that cumbersome 'side of your mouth' hair. Do you see where I'm going here?"
Phil's obvious dominance of the Long-Cundiff Summit was just another assurance to his followers that Phil is the absolute authority on what is cool and what is not.
"Well, I don't care how many underwear ads I pose for," said a humbled (but not too much) Kevi-Kev. "I can't top that guy! I might as well change my license plate."
Phil, being the good and gracious Phil we all know, permitted Kevi-Kev to continue driving his car with the old license plate, provided he place bumper stickers on it which read "My best friend was born in North County," "My boss is a Chemistry teacher," and/or a picture of Phil swallowing a Darwin legged fish.
Kevi-Kev is now planning to devote his life to sharing Phil with others. Apparently, he has written letters to his followers at Thessolonica and Ephesus that he is not to be held in the same regard as Phil. He is merely an instrument of Phil.
We hope you enjoyed the issue. We're back!!! In all seriousness, we encourage all of our readers to be in prayer for the Long family as they deal with a personal loss in the family. Phil and Brandon are dear friends to us all, and we wish to extend our condolences and pledge our thoughts and prayers to them and their loved ones.
Vol 2, No. 2 Nov. 4, 1999
********************* Y O P N E W S ************************
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
November 4, 1999
Vol. 2, No. 2
TOP STORY: YOPNEWS WRITER RECEIVES FATWA
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS staff now has its own personal Salman Rushdie.
Beth Lewis, noted columnist for YOPNEWS, was given the high honor of having a "fatwa," or "death warrant" issued on her life. This is due to her Arrow article in which she discussed the cruel treatment of women in Muslim-occupied Afghanistan. The article was promptly replied to by the President of the local chapter of the Islamic faith, who "condemned" the article and "warned" others not to write any similar articles.
"We feel that the fatwa was necessary to show people how peaceful we are," says Muslim leader El-Aziz. "Let's face it-- the quickest way to peace and nonviolence is to first threaten your opponent with death and condemnation, and then kill them."
"The warning is very serious, I would say," says YOPNEWS wizard Justin Osborne. "I mean, the Muslim leaders in Sikeston, Poplar Bluff, and Cape are all behind the condemnation of this article. That means FIVE different people are out to get (Beth)."
What is Lewis's reaction to the fatwa? She was not available for comment, but romours have it that she has gone into hiding with Salman Rushdie, and plans to co-author a book with him. Though Lewis is not crazy about the title of his book,, the two are apparently getting along. They plan to make an appearance on the next U2 tour.
YOPNEWS would like to dispel the rumours that Lewis intends to start a "jihad," or "holy war," against local Muslim groups. There were rumours that she intended to march on the Cape Islamic center with signs that read, "Bring back Cornerstone Baptist," but these are all fabrications.
Lewis has support from all of us here at YOPNEWS, and even members of the Christian Right have rushed to Lewis's aid, in a statement released yesterday:
>The Christian Right fully backs Beth Lewis's stance against the terrible treatment of women in Afghanistan. Although we do feel that women should not leave their homes, they should not be put to death for doing so. Sure, a few broken bones may be in order, but killing them is just barbaric. Anyway, like we said before, women should not write articles for newspapers.<
NOTE TO READERS: This is a spoof article. We are not implying that all Muslims believe in violence, nor are we saying that all members of the Christian Right think women should remain at home. However, if either one of these organizations would be interested in issuing a fatwa on a member of the YOPNEWS staff, please write "fatwa (victim's name here) on a 3x5 card, and send it to us. Thank you.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High" (sung by Phil at the last TNT meeting in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel)
PHIL'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER
CAPE GIRARDEAU-– When YOPNEWS went to press last night it was still uncertain if Phil “Kingfish” Long, the youngest ancestor of the most powerful political family in Louisiana history, would survive the night. “Kingfish” has been suffering symptoms of what is being called the Huanta virus, which was thought to be contracted on his latest bayou expedition.
Huey Pierce Long, family political founder and deceased United States senator, had this to say, “Kingfish loves to ride the hovercraft through the swamps. Some Haunta must have crawled up the side of the boat, into his tight pants and gestated there all day. It was a sight. They had to cut them tighties right off his leg!” During the last press conference at Southeast Missouri Hospital Rachel Inman, nurse and R&;B fanatic, gave word of Phil’s condition. “Y’all, Kingfish is doing pretty bad. He’s got the Haunta all down his one side. He just lies there mumbling about the first Blue Devil sweatshirt day. He’s really sick.”
Long was born near Winfield, LA and passed the Louisiana Bar examination after studying law briefly at ISU. Sarah Adams, YOPNEWS fact finder and warlord explains, “We at YOPNEWS are confident that Kingfish was born in Louisiana. As for which ISU he attended we are not sure. Indiana State, Illinois State, Iowa State. Take your pick.” Long currently attends Southeast Missouri State University where he and cousin/recluse Brandon Long reside together. An emotional Brandon Long relays his sentiments, “Kingfish doesn’t deserve this. He’s lived a moral life, he's said his prayers. Man, if I get my hands on this Huanta virus. If only Huanta was in the navy, I’d punch it in the gut, look it in the eye and yell ‘Swab the deck, Haunta’. I guess all we can do now is sit back, cross our fingers and play NHL ’99 on the computer.”
Though Phil ‘Kingfish’ Long may lay sick and dying in a Southeast Hospital bed, we should all still hope for the best. It seems that his tight pants may have prevented the spread of the Haunta above the waist. Val Lawless, BSU Christmas banquet date and now "just friend" of Phil states, “If they take a leg but keep
the Kingfish alive, that’s cool with me. ¾ of Phil & 0 Phil anyday!” She then began to practice the filler words “Precious” and “Holy”, used in the song "All ‘n All." And so you the reader should also pray and hope for the very best.
PHIL RECEIVES TONY AWARD
NEW YORK--Much to everyone's surprise, there are still Tony Awards. The Tonies (or "Tony's") are usually given to stars of the TV screen and theater, but Phil Long broke the tradition last Monday night when he became the first non-actor to win a Tony.
Long became the recipient of a brand new Tony. It is somewhat like a Lifetime Achievement Award, and it is called "Da Man," Award.
After many years of being "Da Man' at Southeast, Phil has finally been recognized on a national scale by the four Americans who give a crap about the Tonies (or "Tony's").
"I am overwhelmed by my sudden mediocre bliss," sighed Long to an audience of well over ten people. The audience roared with applause, which was made stronger by the timely "switching on" of the Appollo Theater air conditioner.
Long was nominated two weeks ago by the Tony Board to receive the highly touted "Da Man" Award. He beat out some tough competition in the form of fellow nominees Gary Belcher, Mandy Patinkin, Jason Alexander, and John Bechtold. Rumours have it that Bechtold was a close second in the balloting, but since he was operating the Powerpoint for the Awards Show, the Board thought it would be unfair to have him win.
Long plans to continue his career as "Da Man," and he will likely be nominated again next year.
FALL BRAWL UPDATE
CAPE GIRARDEAU-- The air is buzzing with the sound of men hitting the canvas. Yes, it is Fall Brawl Time.
This year's Fall Brawl will prove to be like no others in history. Some of the BSU's top grapplers will be engaged in the typically Baptist ritual of hitting, spearing, elbowing, and eating fried chicken in the Fellowship Hall (YOPNEWS has discovered that the chicken ritual may be removed from the program).
Topping off the card are som every interesting match-ups. Scott Dankel is getting ready for his big match, in which he plans to use his patented "D'Ankle Submission Clutch." One can bet that he'll bring those nasty triplets to ringside, too; opponents, beware!
Nathan Speer will certainly prove to be a formidable adversary this November, with his "Geek Stink Bomb" off of the top rope. Though Speer is a slender man, he can pack a wallop.
The wrestling community is filled with hearsay about an "E-Mail Challenge" bout which will take place between Moe-Pac and reigning champ Nathan Cromwell. Nathan could be putting his U.S. E-mail Belt on the line against the Scott Hallesque Moe-Pac.
Of course, one still must wonder about Phil Long's role in this Fall Brawl. Will he wrestle? Are the rumours of his partnership with Ryan Harper true? Long has already beaten the 100-pound rat this year, and anybody who comes up against him has to be a step down from a large rodent. Long has been seen lurking in the rafters of Fluhrer Memorial Chapel, watching like a hawk the every move of his potential victims. No one knows what the mysterious man will have in store.
Fall Brawl...Saturday, November 14...BE THERE!!
STAFF
RH---- Fatwa Issuer
Lynn Casteel--- Jihad Starter
Beth Lewis----- Salman Rushdie
Gina Garner---- Sunni Methodist
Sarah Adams---- Shiite Presbyterian
Justin Osborne- Peaceful Agnostic
Phil Long------ The Object of Our Affections
A Weekly Publication dedicated to
The Year of Phil Long
November 4, 1999
Vol. 2, No. 2
TOP STORY: YOPNEWS WRITER RECEIVES FATWA
CAPE GIRARDEAU--The YOPNEWS staff now has its own personal Salman Rushdie.
Beth Lewis, noted columnist for YOPNEWS, was given the high honor of having a "fatwa," or "death warrant" issued on her life. This is due to her Arrow article in which she discussed the cruel treatment of women in Muslim-occupied Afghanistan. The article was promptly replied to by the President of the local chapter of the Islamic faith, who "condemned" the article and "warned" others not to write any similar articles.
"We feel that the fatwa was necessary to show people how peaceful we are," says Muslim leader El-Aziz. "Let's face it-- the quickest way to peace and nonviolence is to first threaten your opponent with death and condemnation, and then kill them."
"The warning is very serious, I would say," says YOPNEWS wizard Justin Osborne. "I mean, the Muslim leaders in Sikeston, Poplar Bluff, and Cape are all behind the condemnation of this article. That means FIVE different people are out to get (Beth)."
What is Lewis's reaction to the fatwa? She was not available for comment, but romours have it that she has gone into hiding with Salman Rushdie, and plans to co-author a book with him. Though Lewis is not crazy about the title of his book,
YOPNEWS would like to dispel the rumours that Lewis intends to start a "jihad," or "holy war," against local Muslim groups. There were rumours that she intended to march on the Cape Islamic center with signs that read, "Bring back Cornerstone Baptist," but these are all fabrications.
Lewis has support from all of us here at YOPNEWS, and even members of the Christian Right have rushed to Lewis's aid, in a statement released yesterday:
>The Christian Right fully backs Beth Lewis's stance against the terrible treatment of women in Afghanistan. Although we do feel that women should not leave their homes, they should not be put to death for doing so. Sure, a few broken bones may be in order, but killing them is just barbaric. Anyway, like we said before, women should not write articles for newspapers.<
NOTE TO READERS: This is a spoof article. We are not implying that all Muslims believe in violence, nor are we saying that all members of the Christian Right think women should remain at home. However, if either one of these organizations would be interested in issuing a fatwa on a member of the YOPNEWS staff, please write "fatwa (victim's name here) on a 3x5 card, and send it to us. Thank you.
PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High" (sung by Phil at the last TNT meeting in Fluhrer Memorial Chapel)
PHIL'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER
CAPE GIRARDEAU-– When YOPNEWS went to press last night it was still uncertain if Phil “Kingfish” Long, the youngest ancestor of the most powerful political family in Louisiana history, would survive the night. “Kingfish” has been suffering symptoms of what is being called the Huanta virus, which was thought to be contracted on his latest bayou expedition.
Huey Pierce Long, family political founder and deceased United States senator, had this to say, “Kingfish loves to ride the hovercraft through the swamps. Some Haunta must have crawled up the side of the boat, into his tight pants and gestated there all day. It was a sight. They had to cut them tighties right off his leg!” During the last press conference at Southeast Missouri Hospital Rachel Inman, nurse and R&;B fanatic, gave word of Phil’s condition. “Y’all, Kingfish is doing pretty bad. He’s got the Haunta all down his one side. He just lies there mumbling about the first Blue Devil sweatshirt day. He’s really sick.”
Long was born near Winfield, LA and passed the Louisiana Bar examination after studying law briefly at ISU. Sarah Adams, YOPNEWS fact finder and warlord explains, “We at YOPNEWS are confident that Kingfish was born in Louisiana. As for which ISU he attended we are not sure. Indiana State, Illinois State, Iowa State. Take your pick.” Long currently attends Southeast Missouri State University where he and cousin/recluse Brandon Long reside together. An emotional Brandon Long relays his sentiments, “Kingfish doesn’t deserve this. He’s lived a moral life, he's said his prayers. Man, if I get my hands on this Huanta virus. If only Huanta was in the navy, I’d punch it in the gut, look it in the eye and yell ‘Swab the deck, Haunta’. I guess all we can do now is sit back, cross our fingers and play NHL ’99 on the computer.”
Though Phil ‘Kingfish’ Long may lay sick and dying in a Southeast Hospital bed, we should all still hope for the best. It seems that his tight pants may have prevented the spread of the Haunta above the waist. Val Lawless, BSU Christmas banquet date and now "just friend" of Phil states, “If they take a leg but keep
the Kingfish alive, that’s cool with me. ¾ of Phil & 0 Phil anyday!” She then began to practice the filler words “Precious” and “Holy”, used in the song "All ‘n All." And so you the reader should also pray and hope for the very best.
PHIL RECEIVES TONY AWARD
NEW YORK--Much to everyone's surprise, there are still Tony Awards. The Tonies (or "Tony's") are usually given to stars of the TV screen and theater, but Phil Long broke the tradition last Monday night when he became the first non-actor to win a Tony.
Long became the recipient of a brand new Tony. It is somewhat like a Lifetime Achievement Award, and it is called "Da Man," Award.
After many years of being "Da Man' at Southeast, Phil has finally been recognized on a national scale by the four Americans who give a crap about the Tonies (or "Tony's").
"I am overwhelmed by my sudden mediocre bliss," sighed Long to an audience of well over ten people. The audience roared with applause, which was made stronger by the timely "switching on" of the Appollo Theater air conditioner.
Long was nominated two weeks ago by the Tony Board to receive the highly touted "Da Man" Award. He beat out some tough competition in the form of fellow nominees Gary Belcher, Mandy Patinkin, Jason Alexander, and John Bechtold. Rumours have it that Bechtold was a close second in the balloting, but since he was operating the Powerpoint for the Awards Show, the Board thought it would be unfair to have him win.
Long plans to continue his career as "Da Man," and he will likely be nominated again next year.
FALL BRAWL UPDATE
CAPE GIRARDEAU-- The air is buzzing with the sound of men hitting the canvas. Yes, it is Fall Brawl Time.
This year's Fall Brawl will prove to be like no others in history. Some of the BSU's top grapplers will be engaged in the typically Baptist ritual of hitting, spearing, elbowing, and eating fried chicken in the Fellowship Hall (YOPNEWS has discovered that the chicken ritual may be removed from the program).
Topping off the card are som every interesting match-ups. Scott Dankel is getting ready for his big match, in which he plans to use his patented "D'Ankle Submission Clutch." One can bet that he'll bring those nasty triplets to ringside, too; opponents, beware!
Nathan Speer will certainly prove to be a formidable adversary this November, with his "Geek Stink Bomb" off of the top rope. Though Speer is a slender man, he can pack a wallop.
The wrestling community is filled with hearsay about an "E-Mail Challenge" bout which will take place between Moe-Pac and reigning champ Nathan Cromwell. Nathan could be putting his U.S. E-mail Belt on the line against the Scott Hallesque Moe-Pac.
Of course, one still must wonder about Phil Long's role in this Fall Brawl. Will he wrestle? Are the rumours of his partnership with Ryan Harper true? Long has already beaten the 100-pound rat this year, and anybody who comes up against him has to be a step down from a large rodent. Long has been seen lurking in the rafters of Fluhrer Memorial Chapel, watching like a hawk the every move of his potential victims. No one knows what the mysterious man will have in store.
Fall Brawl...Saturday, November 14...BE THERE!!
STAFF
RH---- Fatwa Issuer
Lynn Casteel--- Jihad Starter
Beth Lewis----- Salman Rushdie
Gina Garner---- Sunni Methodist
Sarah Adams---- Shiite Presbyterian
Justin Osborne- Peaceful Agnostic
Phil Long------ The Object of Our Affections
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