Vol 1, No. 3 Oct. 4, 1999

*********************** Y O P N E W S *************************


A Weekly Publication dedicated to

The Year of Phil Long



October 4, 1999 A.D.

Vol. 1, No. 3





TOP STORY: PHIL WINS WRESTLING MATCH WITH RODENT



CAPE GIRARDEAU -- In a YOPNEWS exclusive, YOPNEWS has learned that the very object of our affections showcased his North County High wrestling talents at the SEMO District Fair a few weeks ago. Phil Long, our man of the hour, engaged in a wrestling bout the likes of

which has never been seen in Southeast Missouri. In an unprecedented

accomplishment, Phil took on the 100 pound rat caged at the fair.

"It was simply unbelievable," pronounced Lynn Casteel, witness to the

event. "I can safely say I've never seen anything like it in my life."

A hush fell over the crowd as Phil emerged clad in his old North County High wrestling uniform -- "I can't believe it still fits him!" exclaimed Phil's cousin and noted prophet Brandon Long. The rat, by contrast, wore a neon pink tutu.

Phil tried to pin the rat with a simple takedown, but only came away with a handful of fur. The rat, enraged at the pain, leaped at Phil, but landed on the mat as Phil deftly evaded the lunge.

"I couldn't believe Phil's agility!" said Julie Clover. "He just rolled out of the way like it was nothing!"

The rat bared its teeth and circled, snarling. Phil, undaunted, tackled the rat again. Dodging the razor-sharp snaps of the rat, Phil took the rat down with a fireman's carry and pinned him with a Phil Long special move-- which is too amazing to even begin to describe here.

The rat was infuriated at its loss and continued to snap at Phil for

moments after referee Sarah Adams awarded the win to Phil. The rat had to be restrained and eventually tranquilized by SEMO carnies.

"It was nothing," Phil modestly proclaimed. "That rat was some fierce

competition, and I thought I was a goner. But my special move came through for me again, as it did so many times in high school."

When asked to comment upon his unseen move, Phil refused for fear of

recrimination by WWF officials.





PHIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Brandon stuck a steak down his pants."





DARWIN'S OTHER RIB

by Georges Pisado

'The Cheese Stands Alone': Subtitle Befuddles Hundreds



CAPE GIRARDEAU (YOP)- Hundreds of subscribers to YOPNEWS (Year of Phil News) awoke this morning to find confusion and disorientation waiting on their doorsteps. Many readers were found scratching their heads and wondering what to make of the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone'. Phil Long, icon and local titration fountain of knowledge explains, "I woke up at 7 am as usual and put on my robe. I walked to Magill Hall of Science room 237 (the computer lab) to check my mail. I was extremely pumped to get 'the scoop' from YOPNEWS. The first few articles were really funny, but then there was 'Darwin's Other Rib.'"

As many of our readers know, Darwin's Other Rib is a weekly column written by Georges Pisado, chancellor of YOPNEWS, which is really an alias used by Justin Osborne who goes by Big Booty #1 around the office. The column usually contains some Chemistry/Biology fun facts tying them into Phil Long's life, but today's column is not so usual. Long further explains, "I just couldn't get over the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone'. Where did that come from?" Ryan Harper, legend of Ste. Genevieve and editing-editor of YOPNEWS also was one of those caught off guard by the subtitle. "It may have been an oversight on my part," says Harper as he chuckles to himself and high-fives Osborne as

they enjoy the joke.

Osborne creator of the subtitle relays his philosophy behind this

gimmick. "Its really a boxing strategy. People are expecting the

witty/funny Phil chemistry references, the left jab. Then out of nowhere comes the subtitle 'The Cheese Stands Alone', the right hook. Its your basic rope-a-dope technique."

Out of all the confusion and turmoil this subtitle has caused, YOPNEWS has found one person who seemed to enjoy it. Grace Parry, owner/ Old Cape merchant of A Touch of Grace coffee shop really loved the subtitle. "A lot the articles YOPNEWS provides are Phil oriented, which is funny, but I've reached my Phil max for the month. After a while it's a little hard to swallow. Sometimes new ideas and taking chances are what's best. Why do you think I married a much, MUCH older man?"



*YOPNEWS would like to thank the Farmer in the Dell for allowing the use of the subtitle 'The Cheese stands Alone'. We at YOPNEWS applaud your efforts in easy, yet catchy musical lyrics.







BAPTIST FUNDAMENTALISTS BEFUDDLED AS RUPAUL ENTERS MINISTRY



SAN FRANSISCO--The long-debated issue of women in the ministry has taken an unusual turn in the case of one California Baptist church.

RuPaul, the towering diva/she-male stepped forward last Sunday at his/her church and declared that he/she intends to enter into the Baptist ministry.

The announcement came as a shock to even the freaky-deaky California Baptists, who rank a startling 3.7 on the Buchanan Conservative meter, as opposed to the rest of the nation's Baptist's score of 13.5.

Naturally, YOPNEWS turned to its only true source for doctrinal wisdom on this matter.

"Well, there are several things that confuse me about this issue," says Phil Long. "One, RuPaul is both a man and a woman. That makes it possible only for half of RuPaul to be a minister. Which half? We're not too sure."

Phil also had a response for those people who would consider RuPaul a man.

"If RuPaul is a man, then he is probably gay, and the matter is solved. However, this is not clear, so the confusion remains."

YOPNEWS has learned that SEMO's own Heather Hall went before the Southern Baptist Conference and presented the most logical solution for the RuPaul matter, but since her head was uncovered and she was adorned with gold earrings, the Conference dismissed her statements as "heretical genius," and decided that they would remain in limbo over the matter until a man came forward with the exact same statement.

As for now, the RuPaul ordination has been delayed, though he/she has begun her own church. Since no one is sure about precisely which Baptist doctrine RuPaul is offending, the Conference has appointed to RuPaul a team of male deacons with which to raise money and talk intelligently, and a team of female "silent witnesses" with which to cook and be supportive of the aforementioned deacons.



STUDY REVEALS THAT PHIL'S ELECTRONS ARE AT SEMBIANCE



CAPE GIRARDEAU--Southeast Hospital has recently published the long-awaited report on Phil Long's atoms. The study's results will be no surprise to his large, prosperous nations of fans, but they may come as a shock to his swarthy third world village of opponents.

"The most exciting find we have...well...found, is that Phil's electrons are very much at sembiance," says Samantha Russell's dad, who headed up the research team. "Never before have I come across electrons that were so at sembiance as Phil's (electrons)."

Dr. Russell could not specify precisely who or what Phil's electrons were at sembiance with, but he reassured YOPNEWS that whatever it is, it "TASTES LIKE BUTTA."

Dr. Russell then apologized for quoting Clay Eubanks. He then apologized again.

Other findings in the research concluded that Phil has the capacity to birth children and memorize the Pentateuch.

"Phil's DNA is unusual," says Russell. "In most people, thymine usually pairs with adenine, but (Phil's) thymine pairs with a very obscure particle-- flubber."

The flubber-thymine combo, says Russell, has resulted in a dormant yet fertile womb near Phil's shapely buttocks, as well as a copy of the Torah lodged near Phil's notoriously active pituitary gland.

"The combination of Pentateuch knowledge and birthing ability will prove to be a powerful ally in my desire to clone myself as a Jewish man," said Phil.

Keep reading for more reports as they come in about Phil's genetic makeup.